Ewan MacGregor, Liam Neeson, Natalie Portman, Jake Lloyd, Yoda
Ten Things I hate about this movie:
10) All the Star Wars fanatics who sat behind, in front, and next to me.
9) Jar Jar Binks
8) The fact that the 14 year old queen wanted to boink an 8 year old. Mr. Lucas, PLEASE!
7) No nude Ewan MacGregor scenes. (Which pissed off Ewan more than me, so I've heard)
6) Jar Jar Binks
5) The fact that all those damned high and mighty Jedi Masters couldn't figure out that this 8 year old twit was going to BE the dark side of the force in 25 years or so.
4) No Yoda karaoke scenes
3) The homosexual tension between Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan. That death scene was almost more risque than Eyes Wide Shut.
2) The hype. The months and months of hype and the stores filled to bursting with star wars toys and the fact that I will get flamed for this review.
1) I believe I mentioned a Jar Jar Binks hatred. That thing is a walking hemmroid. Someone hand me the preperation J
So essentially, I am not a SW fan. I dont' think I've seen the original trilogy, outside of Star Wars, Episode three that was really episode one but not really. Starring Cool Hand Luke Skywalker, Danish brain and Left Han Solo.
I cannot talk to you about the ins and outs of this plot and how it is essential in setting up five other movies. Personally, I think the only way that the second episode can be more painful than the first would be if Leonardo plays Teen Darth, Jar Jar Binks has a twenty minute monologue interrupted by loud shrieks and screams and car alarms, and the role of Queen Amidala is taken over by Britney Spears, who sings the entire script. ("Somtimes I boff a little boy, sometimes I wear big hair, but all I really want is to kick some ass, kill Jar Jar Binks...") That kind of thing. Meessa gonna rip my own brain out! Woohoo!
I appreciate George Lucas' genius. Really, I do. The first three movies were good. Okay, the first movie kicked ass. And the whole Indiana Jones thing was just Droolicious Harrison laughing all the way to the bank in sweaty, slightly torn, glistening splendour. But please, pretty please, get over the whole Star Wars thing. How is that tiny little boy Whine-a-kin supposed to become James Earl Jones? 85 twinkies a day and a Really good tan? Vocal Chord scrapings? It's just not right, damn you.
My advice: You don't need it. This puppy's so huge that you're going to see it anyway. If you survive, you'll see the next one too. Sooner or later you'll get sucked in to the humongous money machine that is the SW franchise and in the year 2020 you will buy all six episodes in widescreen THX Lucasfilm digitally exploded DVD in special gold-plated packaging for 70 million rupees and dammit, you'll enjoy yourself. You have no other choice!