Minneapolis Miscarries
by Peni Griffin
[ed. note: (I've always wanted to write one of these! My
apologies in advance for ranting.)
We maud-lers
do not like Demi Moore. Why do we not like
Demi Moore? My personal reasons
are her take on The Scarlet Letter and her comments
about it. She changed the ending! She made it a happy
ending, and when people objected, she replied that it didn't matter,
and that no one had read the book anyhow. And then she said that
both she and Hester Prynne live in puritanical societies. Demi's
society is puritanical because it objects to changing the endings
of books. Excuse me while I go weep for Demi. To quote Wayne's
World, "Demi Moore, how 'bout a little Demi-less?" --NRSC]
As it happens, I got a look at the script, the title of which has been
changed from *Betsy's Wedding* to *Minneapolis Miscarries.* Betsy is
already pregnant when she marries Joe (Jean-Claude van Damme) who must
fight
for a place of respect among the other reporters. Although Bettina is
born
surprisingly large and surprisingly-Italian looking after only 7
months, Joe
stands by Betsy as she writes her first novel. Tacy is going to law
school
to distract herself from her husband's philandering, and Tib's (Pamela
Anderson) promiscuous search for the Right Man leads to tragedy when
Rocky
(Christian Slater)gets too spoony and she kills him with her ice
skates.
The Crowd rally round and help her hide the body, but Joe's aunt
(Susan
Sarandon) lets slip the dreadful truth when she starts drinking again.
Mr.
Ray (Anthony Hopkins), who has been made DA by the graft-ridden
Minneapolis
political machine, in a complex deal involving Queen Quality Shoes and
the
peddling of yellowback novels, is forced to prosecute. Tib is
apprehended
after an agonizing chase sequence involving the Ray family car and the
streetcar boat. Tacy is engaged for the defense although she is
pregnant
again. As war looms, anti-German mobs disrupt the courtroom
proceedings.
Joe and Tony (Denzel Washington) race to defuse the bomb planted under
the
courthouse as Tacy goes into labor during the summation. Tib delivers
the
baby while Betsy steps in and gives a stirring speech about tolerance,
love,
and the rights of women . The bomb goes off and everyone dies except
Margaret (Clare Danes) who picks through the rubble and meditates upon
the
devastation of it all before volunteering to go to France as a nurse.
(Sorry not to cast Tacy there -- I couldn't pick a redhead. One
thing I
promise you, she is *not* played by Gillian Anderson.)