YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK PAGAN
Ya know, with so many city folk moving to the country, and the old ways
spreading into every corner of America, can it be too long before EVERY
segment of American society is represented in the Pagan community? Will
we someday see REDNECK PAGANS???
Here are some signs that you, yourself, may be a Redneck Pagan...
If your ceremonial garb consists of cut-offs and a tube top,
Or if you think a "family tradition" is a dating club...
If you've reached the 3rd degree but not the 3rd grade,
Or if your coven's secret names for the God and Goddess are
"Cooter" and "Sweet Cheeks".....
You may be a redneck Pagan.
If your ceremonial chalice says "Budweiser" on it...
If chewing tobacco is considered a sacred herb...
If your circle dance includes the words "dosey-do",
Or if your altar pentacle is a photo of John Wayne's star on the
Hollywood "Walk Of Fame".....
You may be a redneck Pagan.
Now if your coven chose it's High Priest at a belching contest,
Or if they chose their High Priestess at a wet t-shirt night...
If your annointing oil smells like "Old Spice"...
And if you have ever refilled your chalice from a keg...
You may be a redneck Pagan.
If your Goddess picture says "Miss September" at the bottom,
Or your God statue looks a little too much like Elvis Presley...
If you have ever written a spell on the back of a Denny's menu...
Or if you have ever cancelled a coven meeting to watch Pay-Per-
View wrestling on TV...
You may be a redneck Pagan.
If your children and your dog have the same magical name
(Skeeter! Get on over here and cast this circle!)...
If your cakes and ale consist of moonpies and a cold "Bud"...
Or if your coven sword says "Power Rangers" on it...
You may be a redneck Pagan!
If your Book Of Shadows has a picture of Kyle Petty or Dale
Earnhart on it....
If your divination kit consists of a picture of Dionne Warwick
and a 1-900 number...
Or if your idea of a pilgrimage to a sacred circle is going to the
Indy 500....
You're probably a redneck Pagan!
Now if your ceremonial head-dress has a bill and says
"Chevrolet" on it,
Or if your Sabbat Queen's head-dress is made out of those little
nylon flowers the veterans hand out in front of the
supermarket...
You're probably a redneck Pagan.
If you chose "Jim Bob" or "Stormin Normin" as a magickal name...
If you think charging is done with a Master Card...
Or if your Balefire says "Coleman" on it...
You might be.........
Now, if your covenstead says "Winnebago" on the side, you're NOT
neccesarily a redneck Pagan, but if your covenstead's up on blocks,
well....
Now if you Goddess visualizations look too much like Pamela Anderson...
Or if your initiatory ordeal consisted of being blind-folded
with a confederate flag and leg-wrestling...
If your idea of a Pagan festival consists of a tailgate party and
tickets to the superbowl...
Or if your ceremonial chants are by Garth Brooks...
You're probably a redneck Pagan!
If your coven's guided meditations start out with a burger at
"Hooter's",
Or if you think a "Gerald Gardner" is farm equipment...
You are definately a redneck Pagan!
And finally, if you have ever called the National Enquirer
because you raised a potato that resembled
the Willendorf Goddess,
Or if you have EVER worked love magick on livestock......
...AND FAILED....
You are definitely a Redneck Pagan!
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK PAGAN PART 2
You might be a Redneck Pagan...
If you think "widdershins" refers to the calves of the bereaved lady
next door....
If you think fetch deer is a command you give yer dawg....
If you think a goblet is a young turkey....
If you think Drawing Down the Moon means demolishing the outhouse....
If you call your coven mates "Bud" and "Sis"....
If you think a Great Rite is turning onto County Road 13....
If your Quarter candles smell like kerosene....
If you pronounce "athame" as "athaym" and "Samhain" as "Sammon" or
"Sam-hayn"....
If you think a "Sidhe" is a girl....
If your idea of the "Goddess" is the Coors Swedish Bikini Ski Team....
If your Bard plays the banjo....
If your 'Long Lost Friend' really IS....
If your lawn is decorated with at least one, preferably two or more,
plastic pink
flamingos, whom you regard as your familiars....
If your Wand of Power is a cattle prod....
If your ceremonial belt has your name on the back and a belt buckle
bigger than
your head....
If you call the quarter by invoking "Billy, Joe, Jim and Bob"....
If you call the Gods by hollerin' "Hey y'all, watch me!"....
If your favorite robe has the logo of a manufacturer of major farm
equipemnt on
the back....
If you've ever harvested ritual herbs with a weed wacker....
If your ritual staff is a double barrel shotgun....
If your ritual garments include any one of the following: plaid
flannels,
long johns, a pistol belt, or cowboy boots....
If you've ever blessed chewing tobacco or snuff....
If your ritual wine is Maddog 20/20, Night Train or White Lady 21....
If the instructions to get to your Covenstead include the words "After
you
turn off the paved road"....
If your altar-cloth is a rebel flag....
If you use junk cars to mark the four corners of your circle....
If your Eternal Flame just happens to be under a still....
If you use an engine block for an altar....
If your High Priestess is your cousin - as well as your wife....
If, when drawing down the moon, you say, "Ya'll come on down, ya
hear?"....
If your pickup truck has an athame rack....
If your crystal ball made of polystyrene (i.e., a bowling ball)....
If your High Priestess has a spitoon on her altar
Moses, Jesus, and an old man are golfing.
Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the
fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips
the ball onto the green.
Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the
fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and
chips the ball onto the green.
The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing
over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But just before it
falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth.
As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down
and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies off over the green,
where a lighting bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it.
Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the
ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.
Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop
fooling around, we won't bring you next time."
Take this simple test and find out if you're a god.
1. When you invite people over to your house for a party, they:
A) Laugh and question whether anyone will show up at all.
B) Come over but everyone just winds up watching TV.
C) Prostrate themselves and beg for forgiveness.
2. When you meet a girl you are attracted to, you:
A) Ask for her phone number so you can get together again some
time.
B) Flatter her incessantly and lavish her with gifts.
C) Turn into a bull and rape her.
3. Your children won't listen to you. You:
A) Threaten them with the loss of TV privileges for a week.
B) Try to talk out your differences to make the house a happier
place.
C) You ignite a bush and engrave your immutable rules into stone
tablets threatening to cast any who stray into flaming pits for
eternity.
4. You are bored. You decide now is the time to:
A) Organize your laundry into dark, and white wash.
B) Commit various random violent crimes.
C) Finally get around to separating the firmament from the earth
and start working on night and day.
5. When you return home from work you take:
A) The bus.
B) A carpool on the freeway.
C) The Rainbow bridge.
6. It's dinnertime. Unfortunately your cupboard is bare and you
have
no money. You:
A) Hunt for varmint.
B) Humbly ask your neighbor for assistance.
C) Transubstantiate and nibble on your limbs.
7. You are having a child! You:
A) Pass around cigars to all your friends.
B) Knit a bonnet.
C) Buy a lot of strong pain relievers because the doctor tells
you the kid will spring forth fully grown from your split head.
8. The people you hang around with have names like:
A) Joe, Bill, Mary, Ziggy.
B) Pedro, Maria, Zapata, Francisco.
C) He Who Has No Name, A'Thothton, Rah, Hera, Jesus, Michael
Jackson.
9. At sporting events you fondly remember the good 'ole days when:
A) Players didn't charge kids 20 bucks for an autograph.
B) The beer had bubbles in it.
C) The winners of the handball game would have their chests
splayed open, and their still-beating hearts' would be offered
to you in sacrifice.
10. Do you believe in God?
A) Yes.
B) No.
C) How dare you question my existence, puny mortal!
Total up the number of A's, B's and C's you scored. Compare the
result to the chart below.
1-3 C's: You'd like to think you are all-powerful, but lack
conviction. You probably only have one or two small altars in
someone's shed in the countryside. Apply yourself more in the realms
of subjugating mankind and exposing him to your whim. Try forcing
some
guy to write a book about you.
4-6 C's: You might very well be a God, but you can't be sure. Try
going outside every day and hurling thunderbolts around the park.
Randomly choose a city to be destroyed. Think happy thoughts.
6+ C's: You don't really need to be told this (since you're
omniscient) but most likely you are a God. Don't panic. It's not the
end of the world. Well, it could be if you get angry enough, so keep
that nasty temper in check. Perhaps you should quit your job and
start
a band or something. Send Ooze copious riches.
When Christian students at Texas A&M University donned pro-abstinence
T-shirts bearing the legend "Top 10 Reasons Jesus is Better Than
Beer", Steve Berry of Texas A&M's Agnostic and Atheist Student Group
knew how to respond:
Top 10 Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Christianity
10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.
7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
6. When you have Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to
give it away.
5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over
their brand of Beer.
4. You don't have to wait more than 2,000 years for a second Beer.
3. There are laws saying that Beer labels can't lie to you.
2. You can prove you have a Beer.
1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you
Mother Theresa is at the Gates of Heaven where St. Peter presents her
with her
halo. She joyfully strolls around heaven, and bumps into Princess
Diana. They
chat for a bit, and Mother Theresa notices that Diana's halo is a lot
bigger
than her own, so she seeks out St. Peterand says, "You know I devoted
my whole
life to taking care of the poor and infirm. I lived in the most
horrible
conditions for many years, and I would think that I deserve a bigger
halo than
the one Diana has. After all, she was married to royalty, never endured
any
real
hardships,and I just don't think it's fair that her halo is bigger than
mine."
"Dear Mother Theresa," finally said St. Peter, "Please calm down.
That's not a
halo -- it's a steering wheel."
TOTAL SITE COUNT