Sarah Michelle Gellar, Ryan Phillipe, Reese Witherspoon, Joshua Jackson
Buffy gets naughty on her summers away from Sunnydale High! She's got Angel thinking that she's such a goody-goody but really she's this big ole sexual predator. Gosh dammit, why wasn't I born into a snotty pretentious rich upper east side family?
Apparantly, Buffy wasn't born into one either, she spawned test-tube like sans parents, because we never see hers in this one. She and her brother, vampire Ryan Phillpe (Is that Fil-eep, Fil-eep-ay or Fil-ip-ay? Screw it.) Lounge around an apartment the size of a small east european country complaining about the poor quality of stakes and Christian-oriented accsessories. However, young Buffy has been able to snag herself a little cross filled with some curious white powder. Freeze-Dried holy water, perhaps? Ryan, or Sebastian as he is called in this film, spends most of his time taking naughty photos of young virgins, writing in his diary a la Anne Frank or giving cunningulus lessons at the local YMCA. He's a busy boy, and goes everywhere in a 1956 roadster complete with 'I'm a bitch boy' theme song.
Enter Reese Witherspoon, cute blond virgin. Those vampires obviously have a thing for deflowering virgins. Can you believe that Ryan and Reese are married avec une bun in zee oven? They look about 13! As Cathy, my movie pal pointed out, we could arrest one for statutory rape, but we can't figure out which one is legal!
Buffy and Sebastian live for screwing people over and up. It's a game, it's a farce, it's a french movie called 'Les Liasons Dangereuses'. Anyway, Buffy wants one thing, Sebastian wants another, they fight and bicker and lust after everyone and their upper east side lapdogs.
Meanwhile, Cruel Inentions is also an educational film. Cathy and I learned that Homosexuals are 'fudge packers'. Can anyone explain this? Oh don't bother, I know what it means. Joshua Jackson plays one such packer in this movie, and dammit if I will not be able to watch Dawson's Creek without wondering when Pacey is going to break down and beg to pack jack's fudge. Up Fudge Creek with Dawson might be a better title for it.
Reese Witherspoon is very sweet. In fact, I had to stop the movie, go to the dentist, get three fillings and then come back because my teeth were rotting out. Everything she does is sweet, and dammit that pisses me off. Buffy, however, Daytime Emmy award winner, knows how to play a bitch. But she's a bitch who gets it in the end. No no, I'm not talking about fudge packing again. This movie was interesting. How many women want to have a big enough mean streak to make men break down and cry. Next season on Buffy: Willow and the Slayer go on a Thelma and Louise romp, leaving trails of Xanders, Ozes and Angels in their wake.
This movie taints everything sacred about the WB. Dawson and Buffy are now just shallow mockeries of what the stars obviously do on their days off. I don't want to know.
My Advice: See this film. It's well acted, even if it's a little unbelieveable. A good night's rental.