Elizabeth - 1999
Cate Blanchette, Joseph Fiennes, Geoffrey Rush
I waited forever for this movie to come out in this little berg of an island stuck in the atlantic. Now that that's off my chest, let me tell you all it was worth the wait. There should be nothing stopping you from seeing this movie. If you have the IQ of a truck, there is still nothing stopping you. After all, you'd make it to Wing Commander, and Elizabeth has the same amount of syllables! It's not REAL culture, people, it's still a movie! If you're still worried, there's sex. Oh yes. Wild 16th century monkey sex. It won't hurt too much.
For the rest of you, there's Cate Blanchette. Oh, she makes up about eight Gwyneth Paltrows, which reminds me, if a certain blond yank wins that oscar, Whoopi will be seeing the flat end of my flatbed, let me tell you. She and about 100 of the top Academy voting people. I told you before, spay and neuter your Oscar voters! Please, help control the tool population, because it's growing at a rate faster than loose $100 bills in Bill Gates' couch.
As you might have guessed from my pathetic ramblings, Cate is spectacular in this movie. She delivers a smooth, even, wonderfully beautiful performance as the (not-so) virgin queen. She plays it happy, sad, and cold all in one breath and she does it like grease on a monkey. This girl fell out of the womb quoting Hamlet and watching Merchant-Ivory films.
I would be completely remiss in my duties as a female if I did not mention that this is the first time I got to see Joe Fiennes. Shove over, Ralph, your little brother is coming! This man, a consumate actor and man with the ability to pronounce his own name, plays Robert Dudley, lover to the Queen (now you get the not-so virgin part). He is tortured to the utmost level of human angst, yet he does not overplay it with simpering soliloquys and raving hand motions. He looses himself completely in a woman who will not be lost. He takes on the rare and difficult challenge of loving a woman whose heart is a country, instead of just one woman. And he does it in cute pants! All hail Joe, God O' the Moment!
I did also mention Geoffrey Rush who is a cunning spy/smooth operator/slick-tongued devil that is colder than Hockey in Inuktitut. But it's such a huge jump from angsty-pianoman that you just want to jump up and say, "Look ma, it's talent!" Something you would not say if you were watching, say, the latest attempt of Gwyneth Paltrow's to become british. (By the way, if there are any REAL british people who would like to turn Gwyneth into mash with bangers, I think Geoffrey Rush might have her address...for a price, of course).
Lastly, go see this movie. I mean it. And I'm watching you.
Nota Bene: I would like to mention the death of Gene Siskel, who I affectionately called 'Slinky' who died a while
ago from a brain tumour. You were a man of convictions, Slinky, and you made it through years with Roger Ebert.
You will be missed.
Also, I would like to note that Stanley Kubrick, famous perfectionist director of A Clockwork Orange and the upcoming Eyes Wide Shut, died this past week. A brilliant man of strange taste, you made my virginal Malcolm MacDowall experience something I will never forget. Live on, Ludwig van!