- FOLLOW YOUR DREAM! UNLESS IT'S THE ONE WHERE YOUR AT WORK IN YOUR UUNDERWARE DURING A FIRE DRILL.
- ALWAYS TAKE TIME TO STOP AND SMELL THE ROSES, AND SOONER OR LATER, YOU'LL INHALE A BEE.
- DO NOT WALK BEHIND ME FOR I MAY NOT LEAD. DO NOT WALK AHEAD OF ME, FOR I MAY NOT FOLLOW. DO NOT WALK BESIDE ME EITHER. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.
- IF YOU DON'T LIKE MY DRIVING, DON'T CALL ANYONE. JUST TAKE ANOTHER ROAD. THAT'S WHY THE HIGHWAY DEPARTMENT MADE SO MANY OF THEM.
- IF A MOTORIST CUTS YOU OFF, JUST TURN THE OTHER CHEEK. NOTHING GETS THE MESSAGE ACROSS LIKE A GOOD MOONING.
- WHEN I'M FEELING DOWN, I LIKE TO WHISTLE. IT MAKES THE NEIGHBORS DOG RUN TO THE END OF HIS CHAIN AND GAG HIMSELF.
- IT'S ALWAYS DARKEST BEFORE THE DAWN/ SO IF YOU'RE GOING TO STEAL THE NEIGHBORS NEWSPAPER, THAT'S THE TIME TO DO IT.
- A HANDY TELEPHONE TIP: KEEP A SMALL CHALKBOARD NEAR THE PHONE. THAT WAY, WHEN A SALESMAN CALLS, YOU CAN HOLD THE RECEIVER UP TO IT AND RUN YOUR FINGERNAILS ACROSS IT UNTIL HE HANGS UP.
- EACH DAY I TRY TO ENJOY SOMETHING FROM THE 4 FOOD GROUPS: THE BONBON GROUP, THE SALTY-SNACK GROUP, THE CAFFEINE GROUP, AND THE "WHATEVER -THE -THING -IN -THE -TINFOIL-IN-THE-BACK-OF-THE-FRIDG-IS."
- INTO EVERY LIFE SOME RAIN MUST FALL. USUALLY WHEN YOUR CAR WINDOWS ARE DOWN.
- JUST REMEMBER: YOU GOTTA BREAK SOME EGGS TO MAKE A REAL MESS OF THE NEIGHBORS CAR.
- WHEN YOU FIND YOURSELF GETTING IRRITATED WITH SOMEONE, TRY TO REMEMBER THAT ALL MEN ARE BROTHERS, AND JUST GIVE THEM A NOOGIE, OR AN INDIAN (CHINESE) BURN.
- THIS MORNING I WOKE UP TO THE UNMISTAKABLE SCENT OF PIGS IN A BLANKET. THAT'S THE PRICE YOU PAY FOR LETTING THE RELATIVES STAY OVER.
- IT'S A SMALL WORD, SO YOU GOTTA USE YOUR ELBOWS A LOT.
- KEEP YOUR NOSE TO THE GRINDSTONE AND YOUR SHOULDER TO THE WHEEL. IT'S A LOT CHEAPER THEN PLASTIC SURGERY.
- THIS LAND IS YOUR LAND. THIS LAND IS MY LAND. SO STAY ON YOUR LAND.
- LOVE IS LIKE A ROLLER COASTER. WHEN IT'S GOOD YOU DON'T WANT TO GET OFF, AND WHEN IT ISN'T, YOU CAN'T WAIT TO THROW UP.
AUTHOR UNKNOWN
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