i realized glancing out the window today in my 17th century english literature class that when i see sunlight i don't ever expect it to last.  i always assume clouds and rain will follow.  part of me thinks that i've become that pessimistic about everything.  whenever anything even remotely good happens in my life i immediately expect it to end with something devastating and depressing.  i like to think that i'm optimistic, but i'm starting to think that if i am, it is only a little part of my that is, not the majority.  yet, again something positive ending up something depressing.  but, there really hasn't been anything in my life that has lasted as long asi wanted it to.  i can remember being happy when i was little.  and then the teasing started.  my only source of solace was my grandmother.  and like some cruel joke, she was taken from me.  i finally find someone to love me completely, make me feel normal, make me happy.  he left.  and in reality, that is where i still am.  caught in the wake of two amazing relationships that don't exist anymore.  i try my hardest to believe that i'll find something like that will happen to me again.  but i don't know.