i am pretty fucked up right now.  my mood swings are in full force lately.  it is making me really tired.  for the past couple of days i have been swinging back and forth from happy to scared to depressed and back again.  i know exactly why i am acting like this.  i am leaving.  not right now.  but soon enough.  3 weeks doesn't seem like enough time to make everything ok here and move on.  tonight i realized all of the things that i am going to miss.

i am going to miss the rides in the car.  i am going to miss days off doing absolutely nothing.

there is nothing to do in this town.  but somehow we manage to have fun.  i manage to laugh so hard that i am about to pee.  we sit at my house and complain that we are bored for hours.  we finally actually get out of the house and into someone's car.  we drive around and really don't go anywhere.  we sing songs at the top of our lungs.... without the radio.  we switch cars and make our way to a field in a park.  we lay on a blanket.

it doesn't really sound like much but it means the world to me.  what am i going to do when i can't just get up and leave??  how am i going to just sit and study ....or read.... or take a test?  i am not going to be able to call up my best friends and just go out with them.  they are going to be miles and miles away.  i have this sinking feeling that i am going to go nuts.

everyone keeps telling me that i am just paranoid, but i know that i am going to have the most terrible time making friends.  i'm not a "talker."  and i'm not talking about your everyday, "hi" on the street kind of friend.  i am talking about the kind of friends that i have now.  i am talking about the kind of friends that i can just sit with and not have to say anything.  those are the kind of friends that everyone should have at their disposal.  those are the kind of friends that i depend on.

but i do suppose that i am going to have to get through this with just phone calls and occasional visits.  i guess this is where i just remember the good times we had.  i guess this is when i really have to grow up.