i think i feel a rant coming on.  lol.  it is almost tomorrow and this has been officially the suckiest valentines day ever.   there were no boxes of chocolate or big stuffed animals.  there were no sweet kisses or romantic candle-light dinners.  it was just me and my blanket crying on my bed.  i don't like this "holiday."  you know, that word sort of implies some kind of joy.  but it is far from joyful.  i am stuck in a hall way full of girls.  i think there might be 2 of us that doesn't have a boyfriend.  that is two twentieths or for those of you who are sticklers for reduction one tenth.  yeah. 0.1. 10%. sad and pathetic at its best.
you wanna know how sad i was.... or should i say..... am.......?  i actually told my roommate why i was crying.  me.  the girl that very rarely tells anyone really what is going on.  and she was so sweet.  she told me that i shouldn't look for a college boyfriend.  i should wait till some one out of college realizes how smart and wonderful i am that will fall in love with me.  i really appreciate the sentiment, but it really isn't that easy to deal with.  i was fine all day.  i was running on pure adrenaline.  i got through classes and lunch.  i got through other girls getting ready for dates.  i got through flowers and cards.  i got through kisses and hugs.  i even got through the spaghetti dinner.  but i came into my room.  i was all alone.  it was incredibly quiet.  and then it dawned on me that i was all alone.  totally alone.  no one to call.  no one to kiss.  no one to go out with to some overly fancy restaurant with bad food.  no one at all.
i know that some people think that this problem is merely a commercialized holiday issue.  but tomorrow when i wake up i will have the same problem.  i will be in my cold bed alone.  i will walk to class alone.  i will come back from class alone.  my roommate will leave to see her boyfriend and all weekend i will be alone.  i am so tired of being alone.
there are sexual advantages to being with someone.  but i am starting to think that i'd rather just have someone hold me in their arms for the rest of my life than ever make love again for the rest of my life.  is that nuts?  i dunno.

in other news, i did really good in four classes.  i totally fucked up in the other.  my extra generous teacher gave me a second chance.  thank allah, buddah, god, crishna, whoever for small miracles.

i seriously think that this might be the longest journal entry that i've had in a long time.  i don't know what has come over me.  i just have a lot of stuff that i need to get out huh?

well.  i pitaed today.  i haven't done that in a while.  i think she missed me.  lol.

i think today was one of those days where i just needed to break down.  all sorts of tension was building up inside of me.  it is still all there.  but i let it out for a little bit.  and i think i might feel a little better.  but i am so tired now.  sitting in your bed and sobbing can do that to you.  i am just glad my roommate didn't have to see that part of this whole event.  that would have scared her.  i don't need to do that to her.  but she was here for some of it.  and that was really sweet of her.  there was a point where i said that i might have to pack my boxes and go home.  she told me that i'm not allowed.  she that i can't leave her.  sometimes i think that i truly get on her nerves.  but i guess it isn't bad enough that she wants me to leave.

so i went and clerked.  yeah, i'm practicing to be an RA.  in a little bit i'll know whether or not i get the job.  that wore me out completely.  i feel like a total vegetable now.  i should be working on the two papers that i have due next week.  but i just can't.  i just can't.