do you ever just feel out of the loop? like everyone else knows what the hell they are doing, where they are going, what the outcome is gonna be and you are just fumbling around waiting for someone to turn on the lights? i feel like that a lot lately. i feel like i'm just wandering around from class to class, having moments of lucidity, and then just wandering back to my dorm room staring at this screen.
sometimes i feel like this computer is keeping me from reality. other times i think that this machine is my only link to reality. i have friends that i only talk to on messengers. that is my only contact with them, and they are part of the group of people that keep me grounded. if i didn't have my computer i wouldn't know them. if there were no internet i wouldn't even know that they exist. i talk to my parents more online than i do on the phone or even in person lately.
the reason i'm contemplating the validity of my computer is because i've realized that i am one of the laziest fuckers on the planet. go ahead and argue that you know someone lazier. that is fine with me. i'm too lazy to argue back. i rearranged my desk and computer just so i could use my computer from the comfort of my bed. that is just plain sad. i just couldn't take the cheap ass chair that came with my desk that came with my dorm room. and now i sit on my ultra-comfortable bed and type to my heart's content. and playing dx-ball while in your bed is a feeling close to sex. this really is sad. and don't get me wrong, i know that if i didn't want to be so lazy i could just turn it all back around and use the painful chair again. but that would be too much work for a lazy person. maybe i'm not the only person that has fallen into this slump. i think most of society has. i mean it started out with the remote control. and then we get cordless phones. cell phones. laptops (*drools with jealousy*). and now wireless connections to networks and the internet. all of this "technology" stems from peoples lack of desire to get up and go somewhere else. i don't want to wait till i get home to call someone. i'll use my cell phone and drive at the same time. i don't want to get up and answer the phone that is a mere 10 steps away. i'll just buy a cordless phone and have it next to me while i watch tv and use my remote to change the channels. i don't want to have to plug my great big computer into the wall and the phone line. i'll just get a laptop and a wireless connection so i don't have to go to my desk ever. i can just sit my lazy ass on the couch with my cordless phone, my cell phone, my laptop, and my remote. i'll never move. that is the key. it is a sad sad world.
now that i've finished my rant on society i'm going to start a new one on the insanity of relationships. i don't know if it matters how i came to this realization, but i'm going to tell you anyway. i HATE the fact that i feel the need to be with someone. i HATE the fact that there is such a feeling as loneliness. i hate that i can't just live my life without being romantically attracted to someone. wouldn't that be so much easier? friendships are so much easier to obtain and maintain.
another thing that i hate is the fact that my desire to have a relationship leads me to desire to change myself. usually i think of myself as a pretty grounded person. i have a pretty firm grasp on reality. it is very rare that i even consider being someone other than what i am. but today i was walking back from my lit. class thinking, "damn, if i could just get skinny and keep these tits of mine, i'd could murder and get away with it." was that me? this was me thinking that. i am the girl that falls for anyone who can make me laugh. crack a witty joke and i'm putty in your hands. oh, and i'm really screwed if you can make a literary reference and crack a witty joke all in the same conversation. i'll just ball up in a puddle of lust. and i don't even like guys to be skinny. i like a 'huggable' guy. and you know what? i'm the kind of girl that falls for chubby girls. i don't like skinny girls at all (with the exception of ms. spears and ms. theron, my weaknesses). i like a girl with a bit of meat on her bones. i like to know that a girl is healthy. and there i was, walking on the back path back to the good ol' dorm and i thought those exact thoughts. what the hell has happened to me? what the hell has the thought of a relationship made me think of myself?
i told a friend today that i am just going to become a nun. she told me that from her experience, celibacy and loneliness are pretty much equal pains in the ass. and you know what? i can't even become a nun. i don't believe in god. so i'm just fucked. or rather, i'm not...... and i haven't been for the longest time..... and i probably wont be for a while either.
how's that for a long-ass update? *gasp*