i should just resolve to be alone for being alone's sake.  there really isn't any use harboring any hope.  i know what everyone else sees compared to how i view myself.  i just can't help myself.  i can't help the way i feel merely being around him.  i wish i could lay all of these emotions out on the line.  nothing ventured.  nothing gained.  but i don't know if i can handle being hurt.  i can't chance verbalizing all of my feelings to see the piteous look in his eyes and hear the words "i'm sorry."
he only flirts with me when he is drunk.  and when he isn't drunk he acts embarrassed that he even considered flirting with me.  i know that when he is intoxicated he lets his guard down.  i know that i go to his apartment merely to take advantage of that fact.  i don't think there is anything wrong with wanting his attention, anyway that i can get it.  but it really hurts when he strains to make conversation with me on a daily basis.  we talk for hours when he is inebriated.  he'll touch my leg or whisper in my ear.  there are lots of hugs to be had.  but as soon as we are in daylight, it is like he wishes nothing had happened.
i just can't forget the way it all started.  i tried to hook him up with one of my friends.  she didn't like him so i was the one who tried to comfort him.  we started spending time together.  little bits of time.  but time, nonetheless.  i just can't forget his pain and how i made it all disappear.  he makes me laugh.  he makes me want to smile. i smile just thinking about him.  i haven't felt that way in a long time.

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i just was there.  and it was the same.  but i go.  and i subject myself to it over and over again.  what is wrong with me?
any hands?