how do you go from being everything that you've ever wished you could be to being this pathetic, lonely lump?  how do you tell your heart and head and soul not to cry out loud?  how do you not collapse the second you stand?  how do you wake up in the morning?  how do you concentrate on math and communications when they are the last thing in this world that matter?  how do you not scream at everyone that laughs and is carefree?