P3

Time your spending, and spend your time as you wish.

31 Ways to Have an Extra-Specially Fun Time At K-Mart!

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding
them at strategic locations.

2. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they
don't realize it.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the
day.

4. Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs
together and practically yell at him "Where are your tampons?"

5. Try on bras over top of your clothes.

6. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms.

7. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "I
smell sex and candy"

8. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've
got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.

9. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn
the volumes to "10."

10. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

11. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

12. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

13. Put M&M's on layaway.

14. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

15. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite
them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

16. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air
fresheners.

17. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

18. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why don't you people just leave me alone?"

19. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you
pick your nose.

20. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield
with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

21. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

22. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if
he knows where the anti-depressants are.

23. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.

24. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission
Impossible."

25. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

26. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various
funnels.

27. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things
like "pick me !! pick me!!"

28. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal
position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

29. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.

30. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the
store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out
much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

31. Go into the dressing room and yell real loud..."Hey, we're out of toilet
paper in here!

April 2000

signs that you had too much of the 90's:

You tried to enter your password on the microwave.

You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."

You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and
he e-mails you back "What's for dinner?"

Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but
you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one
for your e-mail buddies via a web page.

Your daughter just bought a C.D. of all the records your college
roommate used to play.

You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if
it contains echinacea.

Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail Inbox, asking you to send her
a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

You pull up in your own driveway and use your cellphone to see if
anyone is home.

who thought up these?...
SIGNS On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.) On a Japanese product used to relieve painful haemorrhoids - LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL? (really?) On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!) On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?) On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You lose!) On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.) On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?) On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to use in outer space?) On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I'm curious.) On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. (Really? And that's bad why?) On an American Airlines packet of nuts - INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm glad they cleared that up.) On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?) On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

& these...
The following were actually taken from recent classified ads in newspapers. Most are ads, but some appear to be headlines: FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG ----------------------------------- FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG. ---------------------------------- 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer ---------------------------- AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED. ----------------------------- SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS. ------------------------------- FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART DOG ------------------------------ 2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15 ------------------------------ TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT'S OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800 ------------------------------- COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE. -------------------------------- 83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000 -------------------------------- STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15 --------------------------------- FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL. ----------------------------------- FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME. --------------------------------- NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED CALL CHUBBIE ------------------------------------- BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS" -------------------------------------- FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD. --------------------------------------- GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER. ----------------- HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB ----------------------------------------- GEORGIA PEACHES CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb. ------------------------------------------ NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE SLIGHTLY STAINED ------------------------------------------- FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT. ------------------------------------------ TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR. --------------------------------------------- EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS -$175. -------------------------------------------- OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER. ----------------------------------------------- JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300. ---------------------------------------------- LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY. ---------------------------------------------- ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER -------------------------------------------- GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb. ------------------------------ GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL. ---------------------------------- OPEN HOUSE BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON FREE COFFEE & DONUTS -------------------------------------- FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb. !

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are 300,000 species of living
organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children in the world (persons under 18). But since Santa doesn't (appear to) handle Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist children, that
reduces the workload by 85% of the total--leaving 378 million according to the
Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes.  One presumes there is at least one good child per house.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which
seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each
Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our
calculations we will accept), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household,
a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding, etc. That means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For purposes
of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, at tops, 25-30 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element.
Assuming each child gets nothing more then a medium sized LEGO set (2 lbs), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting the "flying reindeer" can pull TEN TIMES that normal amount, we can't do the job with eight, or even nine--we need 214,200 reindeer. This increased the payload--not even counting the weight of the sleigh--to 353,430 tons. Again for comparison, this is four times the weight of the HMS Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts
re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION
joules of energy per second, each. In short, they will burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and creating a deafening sonic boom in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26
thousandths of a second. Santa meanwhile, will be subject to centrifugal forces of 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 lb. Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by a 4,315,015 pound force.

In conclusion, if Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas eve, he's now dead.
<shrug>