Instructions: Do the following questions right or you'll get them wrong. The answers are in our next $14 preparation book.
A. I live in a box so leave me alone
B. I get paid in pizza
C. just get me out of this blue jumpsuit uniform
D. it's so big they found another bug in the Pentium chip trying to calculate it
2. What drugs do you normally consume?
A. cocaine with a Yoo-hoo chaser
B. Flintstone's chewables with a wine cooler chaser
C. Dr. Quabble's saliva suppressant, no chaser
D. ill pills (pills that make you sick; for when you're
tired of being healthy and want to use up your remaining personal days watching soap operas
in bed drinking unrecognizable liquid stuff
for a couple days; it's good for you)
3. What's the worst criminal activity you've been involved in?
A. turned all the display video recorders on fast
forward and nuked rotten tomatoes in the microwaves in
a department store
B. broke into a modern art museum and spraypainted
graffiti on all the paintings ...
of course no one
realized it for a year and it only increased the
value of the paintings
C. exposed yourself to a mirror
D. did 20 miles an hour on a shopping cart and destroyed
an imposing pyramid structure of tomato sauce cans
4. Which is typical of the way you treat people?
A. I'm a serial killer, don't ask.
B. I never look people in the eye. I feel more
comfortable looking people in the nostril.
C. I crave sympathy and understanding, but never give
it back.
D. I give sympathy and understanding, but never get it
back.
E. Depends how much they pay me.
5. Read the following story while trying to make some sense out of it. Don't read it too carefully.
There's some strange stuff to think about in this world. If a high diver spit in the pool on the way down, would they lower his score? If you want to put artificial plastic food on your table, why does it have to be fruit? Artificial Pizza or a big plastic Roadkill- that's the kind of centerpiece I want.
STOP.
Okay, you can keep reading this now.
We were
just kidding about STOPPING.
If you die while you're reading
this, STOP.
Even if you don't want to STOP right now, STOP.
Now continue.
Don't STOP.
That feels so good.
Harder,
faster, PLEASE DON'T STOP, yes, yes, YYYEEESSSSSS!!!!!
You
may continue while I have a cigarette.
Was that paragraph
good for you?
I can't curl my tongue or wiggle my ears. It has always made me feel greatly inadequate.
After having read the compelling anecdote very carefully, pick the answer which best describes the main idea.
A. all of the above
B. the author supports the opinion that it's a good idea
to wallpaper your roof, force-feed lizards super-
muscle-dynamic-carbo-energizer-bulk-builder-unknown-substance-compressed-leftovers-growth pills to see
what dinosaurs really looked like, and genetically
make a plant that gives leaf-eating insects
indigestion and runny noses.
C. some people spend too much time sitting around
thinking stupid things.
D. someday someone's gonna figure out how to use all 80
buttons on one of those "scientific" calculators, then
discover they don't make batteries for it anymore.
E. If you took a bite out of the Hamburglar without his
consent, that would be rape. The courts have recently
concluded that drinking from Kool-Aid Man also
constitutes rape.
F. If you picked this answer, you're not reading this,
you're just marking bubbles at random and you've
probably forgotten to COMPLETELY erase a bubble when
correcting yourself and I DON'T think the scanning
machine is going to like that too much.
6. Was this a ha-ha funny story, a humorous-good-for-a-chuckle-or-two story, or a it's-so-stupid-it's-funny story?
A. It sucked.
B. Republican Gerald R. Ford
C. A or B or C, but not ABC Sports
7. Which of the following is the best answer to the question?
A. This one's definitely wrong. Only an idiot would
pick this answer.
B. This one just doesn't have that correct answer feel
to it. Better try the last two.
C. This could be the correct answer.
D. This could be the correct answer, too.
E. Is it any wonder these questions are always written
ANONYMOUSLY?
F. What question?
NEXT WEEK: The pyschological evaluation (i.e., questions that make even less sense).
Go to The Second Part of the Test
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