I started feeling sick a little more than halfway through today. I've just been drained of energy and I feel nauseated. Then something else happens. I wish this did not have to be layered on top of it.

I can't say I had the best time as a little kid. But I can't say that she exacerbated the situation. We never lived like the rich families. We gradually worked our way up. We lived in an old apartment complex where the rent was affordable. I never got a new toy every month. I got sick very easily and VERY often. I went through and saw things [I'd rather not say].

She was always careful and looked after me. She would play with me when I didn't have anyone else to play with. She would bring food to my bed when I was sick. She spoon-fed me when I did not want to eat. Every night, she tucked me in to bed and kissed me on the forehead. They got rid of that criminal who tried to trick me and rob me of my innocence in elementary school. She also told me I was beautiful. She would put me in front of herself and she's a hell of a lot better than how I would be if I ever raise a kid. Sometimes she would be angry or disappointed or make me cry, but I realize that is part of the job too.

Now let's fast forward to the present. What the fuck happened? Suddenly I feel like I can't go to them to and tell them everything I feel. I have to keep secrets to prevent hurting & it gets all bottled up inside. She disapproves of some aspects of how I am. There is just not as much exchange of communication as there was before. I find myself thinking & doing things that would be shameful because things are so damn confusing & lonely. I come home everyday, stare at a computer screen, blare my music, and then do homework. I don't like it when they yell or lecture me, but I guess I deserve it... and this cycle goes on and on and it worsens every time.

So many relationships grow distant. A girl wanders through the dangerous city at night and exchanges sex with strangers for money. A boy runs away from home and does lots of drugs and is eventually found dead and alone with slit wrists. A kid is angry with her parents because she is not allowed to go out with her friends and she feels too protected. But I think they were all good at heart at one point. We are born uncorrupted, then life starts corrupting us by teaching wrongs and rights and how to feel. &when someone is just really different, they deject him or her because basically what it boils down to is he/she is not up to their standard... &we have all been guilty of doing this. Then you try to change yourself so you can live up to others' standards. All of these actions shape us into who we are. But sometimes I feel guilty for how I feel.

I never said I wanted to grow distant.