I don't know what it is about me right now that is making me feel like a waste [breath/time/space].

I went to Crystal's big party last night. Met some cool people. Got picked up & violently tickled. Tried to start a mosh pit in the living room to the Warped Tour Compilation CD [it was pathetic]. It beat staying at home but I really don't think I had the best time for various reasons.

The feeling has returned again. Like nothing is complete. They say they understand what you're going through but you know they don't. & you can't hear the compassion in their voice & they all give useless advice & tell you to lighten up. I don't want to return to those days.

I'm not a big, extended, beautiful metaphor that seduces minds with the slightest sentence. I'm always in the middle, never day or night. I don't belong in any of the places that I see. Broken reassurance & comforting lies that don't like to admit to its falseness is what I used to feed on but not anymore. Someone just take me in & give me some security.

I remember writing an entry in my old diary on 2.14.03. It was an entry overflowing with the hope of experiencing infinity once one breaks free & drives away from heartbreak to a "city of bright lights" where one can "go fucking crazy" without a care in the universe. This is how it started out:

I want to stand in front of my mirror & trace an outline of my body. In it, I want to scribble all these thoughts I feel but cannot say. This is the anatomy of a being, waiting to explode. This is the anatomy of a being, waiting to escape the confinement of authority [and society]. I do not think they'll ever understand what I go through everyday. Wake up every morning from a dream [or nightmare] and realize how gray this reality is. Can I ever tell you just how much I want to _____________________f l y ?

I want to fucking break this mirror & watch my body shatter into a thousand pieces. Then I can try to piece this puzzle back together & learn a little more about the anatomy of my body before flying without the right wings.