Pete Nersesian's BRAIN CLUTTER ARCHIVE

THAT'S RIGHT — THERE'S A GALLERY NOW

Beginning August 3 ADVERTISING: Where Would Ads Be Without It? At the Index Page Gallery at Pete Nersesian's Brain Clutter Archive GAS PEOPLE, PART I This poor being was given life by the Amoco company back in the early 1960s. As far as I can tell, it's a gas pump wearing clothes, looking embarrassed.
YOU HAVE PERMISSION TO CRAVE "The television commercial features three generations coming together to prepare a family breakfast with eggs as the centerpiece. It includes mouthwatering footage of a variety of egg dishes in order to 'trigger the crave' for eggs. As permission to eat the eggs they love, the spot includes a protein message to educate consumers about the nutritional benefits of eggs." "When families celebrate, eggs are often part of the fun." [Both from your friends at the American Egg Board]
			GAS PEOPLE, PART II Tony Triumphs Kellogg’s spokescat Tony The Tiger [left] won a February 1998 lawsuit against the Esso Tiger [right, flaunting wealth]. The tiger suit contended the gas station mascot resembled the cereal mascot too closely. Conditions of the settlement include provisions that the Esso Tiger not speak, work (i.e. pump gas) or demonstrate "personality." —UTIink/U. of Calgary
GROUNDS FOR DEPORTATION This thing at right kind of frightened me when I found it at www.toymuseum.com, which seems to be more a museum of ads than toys. According to them, "This orange alien with big bug eyes and a friendly smile crash-landed on earth during the 1950's and became so fond of Tango Soda that he requested permanent residency status, and took up a job as Tango's head spokesalien." Guess that explains why I've never heard of Tango Soda.
		OH, THAT COULD NEVER HAPPEN, RIGHT? Say you're reading the paper, and a newspaper contest promises a wild vacation, which readers might not expect to win, and dismiss out of hand. It reassures you that "hey, it could happen." If you did indeed see this, you would be bearing witness to a crime. Why? Simple. The phrase "hey, it could happen" is not in the public domain. You may not publicly employ it in the commercial world. It belongs to McDonald's. According to London's The Independent, the company owns "a total of 131 words and phrases." While this includes many invented nonwords such as "McGrilled" and "twoallbeef- pattiesspecialsaucelettucecheesepicklesoniononasesame- seedbun" (yes, all one word), it also includes such not-particularly-unique-to-McDonald's lines like "changing the face of the world." Don't cross them, or your name might be next. Hey, it could happen.

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Familiar
Marks

They seemed like they'd be around forever

"WHY NOT BUY THREE?"
The other day I had a conversation with noted media critic Bill Landesman about trademarks that describe themselves at length. Not like "Cool Ranch Doritos"—I'm talking about whole self-referential sentences either directly or indirectly conjuring up some positive image in the potential buyer's mind. So far we came up with:

"Gee, Your Hair Smells Terrific" A shampoo/conditioner line around in the 80's (I have no idea of its current whereabouts). Apparently targetting unseemly hair odor.

"I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" - Everyone knows this artificial butter substitute. Made further bizzarre by the commercials featuring Fabio. My mother once mistakenly referred to this as "I Bet You Don't Think It's Butter," which is probably a little bit closer to the truth.

"Nobody Beats the Wiz" - TV/appliance/ electronics warehouse in Greater NY. Started as "The Wiz," got big ideas about itself, and incorporated its slogan into its name (see: Marvelous Marvin Hagler). Times got tough after a failed expansion, and they dropped the "Nobody Beats the...." in the late 90s.

Iffy - "T.G.I. Friday's" - Since I've never actually heard this referred to as "Thank God It's Friday's," this doesn't necessarily qualify. But it's the perfect opportunity to point out that they use that new "produce detergent" stuff, which indicates to me that their produce is especially in need of cleaning, which indicates to me maybe I don't want to be eating it to begin with.