How I came out to my mother

My mother had known I cross dressed as a teenager, because she caught me more than once. She did not approve of that to say the least. Each time I was caught she would cry, saying she didn't want a "gay" son. She had even told me that if I was gay she would disown me. I was 13 the first time she told me that.

I could never talk to her as a kid, or even as an adult. If I came to her with a problem she would grab a drink, a cigarette, and then have this look on her face like the world was going to end with what I was going to tell her. She was an alcoholic that could not handle any pressure. Is it any wonder I never came to her?

What did she do when she did catch me? Well, she would cry, make me promise to stop, and throw out my female clothing. One time when I was about 14 she threatened to send me to school dressed as a girl. Another time she threatened to send me to a psychiatrist and to tell my father. When you are a teenager and only just starting to understand some of the basics of yourself these things were devastating. I was scared but had to do it, not for kicks but to feel "right". The last time she caught me she called my dad in from Ottawa to talk to me, in hopes that he would scare me into being "normal". That turned out to be a mistake on her part,
because he was fine with it, saying he'd love me no matter what I wanted to do. I still hadn't told anyone that I was a female in a male body, because I really was not too sure on what I was feeling at the time.

My mother finally found out through my wife. She decided she'd tell her because she didn't think I knew how to tell her. She was right, but I really did not want to tell her at that point. My mother was upset, but I think she still thought I could be "cured" and that seeing doctors would change my mind. When she finally figured it out that I was dead serious on going through with the transition she disowned me. Plain and simple. Gone. Out of the family. She even said "I used to love you" and that definitely sealed it.

Now I don't worry about her. I now know where she stands and that has put my mind at rest. There will always be a place in my heart for her, but it will be hard for her to make it back in fully and it will take a big apology from her to say the least.

Updates

My Mom

Recently my mother has written me a letter, and she seems to be a little more open than before. Not accepting yet, but a step in the right direction. Now she says that she could accept me if I was just gay, but can't accept me being "this way". She still cannot say or even write the word "transsexual".

However, she did ask for some literature on the subject. She thinks it might help a bit, and she says she will certainly read it. I cannot afford to send books to her, so I will send her some pamphlets and stuff I've collected off of the net. I think it might help a little, but what would help her more is if she talked with a psychiatrist or therapist about it. I'll also send her titles of books and their authors that she can look up in the library (if a right wing group hasn't stolen them out of the library yet).

June 2000

My mother has written me another letter, and things seem to have stalemated with her accepting me. She still blames herself for "what happened" to me. She still hopes I'll change my mind and be "normal" again.

Mom seems to keep on hoping that she'll have her son again, her trophy. What she doesn't realize is that her son was never really her son, but a lie. Being male was a show, nothing but. She just cannot realize this.

Her last letter was very much feeling sorry for herself. As usual she only focused on her feelings, and not really caring about mine. When I write her, I try to reassure her and make her feel better. She just tries to make me feel guilty in an obvious attempt to make me "change my mind".

I am still not "allowed" to visit my relatives as me. She insists that should I ever visit to show up as a lie. I refuse to do that. I only would have done that once, and that was only if I was able to attend my grandfathers funeral.

She still has not told my step-father, and that worries me. She is now living a lie, and lying to him by not telling him. If he finds out that she has kept this from him for over 3 years, his trust in her will be gone. I care for him, but I will abide by mom's wish not to tell him directly. She'll have to live with the consequences.

I do love my mother very much. However, I will not let her non-acceptance of me hurt me. Life goes on, I have family that does accept me and love me. My grandmother is the one who essentially raised me anyhow, and she never abandoned me to go on vacation to Barbados. At least my step-father took me, even though she wouldn't.

BACK