Lois & Clark
They Ain't What They Used To Be

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Story © Steve Zink

The following story contains characters owned by DC Comics/Warner Bros. It is written as a fanfic parody story not intended to make any use of actual story lines in published books. The story is purely for fun, with no profit to be made by the author.

This story builds upon a story appearing in the comic books "Superman's Girl Friend Lois Lane" numbers 70 and 71 which appeared in November of 1966 and January of 1967 respectively. These are very valuable comics to collectors in that they are the first appearances in the Silver Age of comics, approx 1958-1970, of Batman's feline foe, the Catwoman. In number 70, Lois is forced by Catwoman to put on one of her costumes, then is hypnotized into thinking she is the Catwoman. Lois gets her mind restored, but Catwoman then persuades Superman to take her, thinking she is Lois, to her Catacombs. There Catwoman uses Circe's wand to change Superman into a Super Cat. This book, if it was more readily available, would probably be a bestseller amongst the TF crowd! Anyway, Lois and Clark got married on the TV show, and let's say the comic book story appeared only about three years before the marriage...  SZ




Shortly after they returned from their honeymoon, Lois and Clark got back into their grind at the Daily Planet. Lois made a concerted effort to keep her mind on the stories assigned to her by her editor, Perry White, but it wasn't easy with memories of the two weeks spent in Hawaii. The super shenanigans occurring in their bedroom every evening since their return didn't help, either.

Clark, it seems, had what you might call a superhuman ability to control his erections, giving him the gift of being able to satisfy his mate in almost any form of sexual play. After innumerable tests performed by his friends at Star Labs, though, the Man of Steel had to tell Lois that as much fun as they were having, they were fated to never procreate - his Kryptonian anatomy just would not match her human anatomy. Lois decided that this would have to be taken in stride, and if nothing else, she would never have to worry about birth control.

While Lois was grocery shopping one afternoon, Clark started looking through some of their newspaper clippings. He found a few pictures that their photographer friend Jimmy Olsen had taken of Lois, without knowing it was her, in her Ultra Woman costume from a year earlier when his powers had been transferred to her. This got him to thinking about possible ways to get around the Kryptonian-Human mismatch.

As he was helping Lois bring in the groceries a bit later, Clark asked, "Lois, do you think you might want to become Ultra Woman again, and see if temporarily un-super Kryptonian sperm could work with temporarily super Human eggs?"

Lois gave him one of those looks for which she had become famous, or is that infamous, amongst her co-workers at the Planet, then apparently decided to give it some thought, since she didn't say anything right away. As she was putting the milk in the refrigerator, Lois turned to Clark and said, "As tempting as it is to think that Ultra Woman might have the oomph to mate with you successfully, I think I've had enough of wearing costumes for a while."

Clark reached over to hug her from behind, then whispered in her ear, "Even if I am the only one in this family wearing a costume, you're still the best. If you ever change your mind, you just let me know."

Lois turned her head, then reached up to cross her hands behind his neck, and kissed him so hard even his potentially rock hard lips gave way. "Make love to me now, you super sex machine! You turn me on way too easily, Mister Kent," she managed to get out after some intense tongue action.

* * * * *

At about the same time in Gotham City, Selina Kyle was busy packing a box with what she had been on the verge of introducing to Batman and the rest of Gotham as her latest Catwoman costume variation. "Too bad," she purred to herself. "I was so hoping to give Batman a thrill with this one. But too much has been happening in these last few weeks. I think it's time to curl up at my scratching post. I've had enough of chasing down Batman, and him chasing me down, then spending time in prison. I'm retiring, to enjoy the riches I've accumulated over the years. I don't think the world has seen the last of Catwoman yet, though." The next morning, Selina took her little bundle to the Post Office, and with that, said good-bye to her past life. "Maybe now I can convince Bruce to see me as a friend, and get on with our lives."

Wednesday afternoon, the Planet was a beehive of activity. It seemed that Lex Luthor was up to his tricks again. The ultra rich megalomaniac was buying out a collection of famous Greek relics from a retiree in Gotham for a ridiculously low price, then putting them on display in the Metropolis Museum of Art, his own little toy. Perry assigned Lois to find Lex himself and get an interview about the collection, while Jimmy and a number of the other photo journalists were told to photograph the relics as they were put out on display.

Perry was going to get Clark to fly to Gotham and get an interview with the person Luthor practically robbed the collection from, but couldn't seem to find him anywhere. As Lois was going into the elevator, Perry got her attention and asked if she knew where Clark had run off to. "Oh, I'm sorry, Perry," she answered. "Clark told me he heard about some connection this collection had to some criminal elements in Gotham City, and went there to check it out. I forgot to tell you."

"Great Caesar's Ghost! Doesn't anybody around here wait for their boss to come up with ideas anymore?" Perry blurted out, as he waved Lois back into the elevator and went storming into his office, mumbling under his breath.

Lois made her way to the museum after innumerable stops and starts by the taxicab in the traffic building up around Lex's latest publicity stunt. While it is doubtful an average reporter would get anywhere close to Mr. Luthor, Lois had no problem. It certainly didn't hurt her chances that he was doing his damnedest to still woo Lois, even after she married that measly reporter instead of him.

He gave her a personally guided tour of the acquisitions he had just brought to Metropolis. "Some of these trinkets are rumored to still have the power of the Greek Gods hidden in them, Lois," said Lex while pointing out a box that his underlings were just unloading. "For instance, do you see that short wand right there? That is supposed to have belonged to the sorceress Circe," he said. "She used it, according to legend, to transform visitors of her island into all manner of creatures. I read somewhere that she even used it once to change an entire army of Greek warriors into what we now know as the Amazons."

"Are you sure you want that wand this close to the public then, Lex? I mean, if someone were to get their hands on it, all kinds of havoc could take place," replied Lois. She also knew that the wand had been used as recently as three years ago, but wasn't about to tell Lex about that.

"Don't you worry, Mrs. Kent," Lex said, with a bit of poison in his voice saying her name, "this facility is very well guarded, and I've got state of the art security devices watching over the entire exhibit." With that, the interview more or less came to an end, and Lois called in to say she was going to go right home instead of back to the Planet. She gave the interview results over the phone so Perry would have something to work with, and told them she'd finish off the story the next day.

Unfortunately for Perry, that was all they were to get on that story...

When Lois got back to their apartment, she found a large box on the doorstep, with her name and address on it, and a Gotham City postmark. She gave it a quick shake, and hearing nothing ticking, Lois picked it up and opened to door to the apartment. She then went straight to the blinking answering machine next to their phone. She put the box down, then punched the play button. "Hi Lois, it's me, Clark. Found a few things, but nothing to write home about." Lois groaned. "The past owner of the collection is staying in hiding, apparently rolling in the dough they got from Luthor. Anyway, I should get back later this evening. I'm going to stop for a minute or two at Wayne Manor, since I'm here. See you about 9 or so. Bye!"

At that, Lois looked at her watch. "4:30. Oh well, I may as well fix a quick meal and catch the news," Lois said. After she munched on a salad while watching the local news, Lois forgot about food and watched intently when the national news came on at 6:30. There was a rather intense story being aired about the nuclear weapons situation developing in southern Asia.

When the news was over, Lois got up to clean her dishes. When she was going back into the living room, Lois saw the box she had laid there and temporarily forgotten. She picked it up and took it with her into her bedroom. "Think I'll take a shower, and maybe get set for Clark's return," Lois said to herself as she stripped off her clothes.

As she was getting ready to go into the bathroom, curiosity finally got the better of Lois, and she sat down on the end of her bed to open the box. After she stripped away the tissue wrapping, she exclaimed, "What the...it's a costume of some kind! Who would have sent me a costume?" Her inquisitive mind took over, and Lois started to pull items out of the box. A leotard, some tights, gloves, boots, a belt, "Hmm, what's this? Some type of green jewel..."

Lois felt some kind of compulsion, and proceeded to pull on the light blue tights, without bothering to put on any panties first. She reached for the dark blue leotard, then looked more closely at it. It had high French cut legs, a deep V down the chest to show off cleavage with some kind of mounting at the base, and a high collar in back. Lois pulled on the leotard, saw how her hips and legs projected out nicely, then saw the way her not inconsiderable breasts filled out the upper parts with a good bit of cleavage showing. Then she figured the mounting had to be there for something, and picked up the glowing green jewel to inspect it. Sure enough, there was a latch on its backside, and Lois mounted it at the base of her chest. She now felt an even stronger urge to put on more of the costume.

Lois picked up the thin blue belt which matched the leotard, then noticed the tail attached to its back. She hooked it around her hips, making sure the tail fell from the top of her anal crack. "Oooo, kinky," she said, then pulled on the dark blue boots with stiletto heels, a gold buckle over each instep, and red cuffs which folded over just below her knees. Lois stood, then walked over to her full length mirror. "Oh wow, what a sexy outfit!"

Even as she was admiring her figure, though, Lois found herself reaching for the dark blue opera length gloves, which she now noticed had long claws at each fingertip. After she finished pulling these on, Lois noticed one last item in the box, and pulled out a wide red domino mask. There was a note attached to the mask. As she was putting the mask into position, pulling its elastic band under her hair in back so it wouldn't show, she read the note:

Hello, Miss Lane. You probably don't remember, but three years ago you did an incredible job filling in for me after I hypnotized you. Well, by now you should have on the complete costume, including what you may realize by now is *your* Cat's Eye Jade. I made sure you'd see it soon after opening this box. You see, you have been enslaved by the Cat's Eye. When you next look into a mirror, you will see Catwoman as she now appears. Forget your past as Lois Lane. Your name is now Selina Kyle; you are Catwoman!

As she once again walked over to her mirror, an abrupt change came over her face when she saw her image there. "Meoowwwrrr," she purred as she stretched out her clawed fingers, then took a menacing pose. "I know who I am now, my name is Selina Kyle. I am Catwoman! Meowwrrrrrrrrr!"

Catwoman took note of the time on her bedroom clock, saw that it said 8:15, then figured she had some work to do. Selina locked up the apartment, putting the key in the tiny weapons bag attached to her belt on the left side. She then made her way to the Metropolis Museum of Art, making sure she wasn't seen by anyone on the way. Catwoman easily jimmied the lock at the front door, then set off a small knockout gas bomb at the guards' desk.

Grinning at the loud clicking sound her heels made on the tile floor, she made her way to the new Greek Relic exhibit. With her goal within easy reach of her claws, Catwoman then purposefully set off an alarm. She knew police would be there in minutes, but she was counting on Superman getting there long before them. True to form, in mere moments, a bright blue and red blur appeared, gelling into the solid form of the Man of Steel. He quickly appraised the situation, then made a guess, "Catwoman, is that you? What are you doing here in Metropolis?"

"I'm here to uncover new spoils to plunder," Catwoman replied with spite in her voice.

Clark recognized the voice right away. "Lois, is that you in that Catwoman costume?"

"Lois? My name is Selina Kyle," Catwoman replied. "And in my new plundering, I'm going to be needing some help." As she picked up Circe's wand, Catwoman held it over Superman's head, and continued, "Wand of Circe, make him curtsy. Superman is he, but Catgirl to be!"

Superman immediately felt massive changes occurring in his body, since magic was one thing he was vulnerable to. In as much time as it took to blink, the tall red and blue Kryptonian he-man disappeared. Where he had stood now appeared a 5'3", long black haired female of exquisite shape. She was dressed in a tight fitting black leotard over black fishnet tights, her legs in thigh high black boots with spike heels, her arms encased in elbow length black gloves. These gloves, of course, had long claws at the fingertips, and Catgirl also had a long black tail hooked to her rear end. Her domino mask was identical to that of her mistress, but it was black like the rest of her costume.

Catgirl held her hands out in front of her voluptuous breasts, nowhere near able to cup them, then lifted her left leg and turned to look down behind herself. "Catwoman, what have you done to me?" she exclaimed. "I am a female now, and this costume? It looks so sexy and positively evil!"

Catwoman put the wand down, then said, "Yes, my dear. I was tempted to turn you into a satyr to satisfy my sexual cravings, but then I thought having someone at my side to assist me in my crimes would be more fun." The Feline Felon unhooked the Cat's Eye Jade from her chest, then held it in front of Catgirl's eyes. "You may still have your super powers, but you are no longer Superman. Forget any memories you had of being a super powered good guy named Clark Kent. You are now and forever more the super powered villainess Catgirl, unless when you get older I let you take over as Catwoman. Your name is Kitty Kyle. Now, show me that you understand."

Catgirl minced over to her boss, hips swaying seductively, then hugged her. "Meow," she purred softly. "Let's get going here, Catwoman. I don't want to be around when the cops show up, and I'm eager to get back home to the lair to snuggle with you."

"Okay, Catgirl. Let's grab a few more baubles, then I've got one more place to stop on the way home."

As the two new Feline Felons made their way in the shadows of Metropolis, Catwoman made a stop at an open adult book and novelty store. Her appearance drew the eyes of all present, but she hissed and spat out, "If you want to continue using those peepers, put 'em elsewhere before I scratch them out for you!" Catwoman then went to the back wall, reached for and then pulled down a fifteen foot long cat o'nine tails, then offered an ancient Greek trinket in trade. The clerk took it from her eagerly, and as she proceeded out the door, the first photo of Catwoman in Metropolis was taken by the clerk, even if it showed her from the back, with her tight ass proudly supporting a whip she had just hooked to the belt around her tiny waist.

The next day at the Planet, various people started to wonder when no sign was seen of the newlywed Kents. Jimmy raced into Perry's office with a photo in his hand. "Chief! You're not going to believe this! Last night, this picture was taken downtown here in Metropolis. This appears to be the Catwoman, but in a mighty sexy new costume. And look closely, just outside the door. See this faint image? That is another woman in a costume making Catwoman's look lame! What is she, or they, doing here in Metropolis?"

"I don't know, Jimmy, and don't call me Chief! Find Clark and Lois, get them on this one!"

"Uh, Chief...err, Mr. White, no one has seen Clark or Lois today. Have you heard anything from them?"

"No, but when they do show up, get them on these two women."

Little did the Chief know; Lois and Clark were very much on these women, they were these women...



Now, could you just picture Teri Hatcher as Lois from the TV show in this costume...

 

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