Love and Loss from the Petopia.com website How Grief Looks, Sounds, and Feels You'll find it easier to accept your own responses to loss if you know the ways in which grief normally shows itself. By the staff of the Argus Center for Human-Animal Bond Resources When you've just lost a beloved pet, or such a loss is approaching, you may find yourself behaving in ways that surprise you. You may blurt things you didn't know you were going to say. The intensity of your feelings and physical responses may shock you and leave you wondering, "Is this normal?" It probably is. Although responses to loss differ from one person to another, grief generally manifests itself in predictable ways. It may reassure you to read these descriptions of the different forms grief can take. Physical: crying, sobbing, wailing, numbness, dry mouth, the feeling of a lump in the throat, shortness of breath, stomachache or nausea, tightness in the chest, restlessness, fatigue, exhaustion, disturbed sleep, disturbed appetite, body aches, joint or muscle stiffness, dizziness or fainting. Intellectual: denial, sense of unreality, confusion, inability to concentrate, preoccupation with the loss, fleeting hallucinations (visual, auditory, or olfactory) about the loss (such as hearing the patter of toenails on the floor), a need to reminisce about the loved one and to talk about the circumstances of the loss, a sense that time is passing very slowly, a desire to rationalize or intellectualize feelings about the loss, thoughts or fantasies about suicide (not accompanied by concrete plans or behaviors). Emotional: sadness, anger, depression, guilt, anxiety, relief, loneliness, irritability, a desire to blame others for the loss, resentment, embarrassment, self-doubt, lowered self-esteem, feelings of being overwhelmed or out of control, feelings of hopelessness and helplessness, feelings of victimization, giddiness, inappropriate responses to the situation (such as nervous smiles and laughter). Social: withdrawal, isolation and alienation, greater dependency on others, rejection of others, rejection by others, reluctance to ask others for help, change in friends or in living arrangements, desire to relocate or move, a need to find distractions (like staying busy or overcommitting to activities). Spiritual: bargaining with God in an attempt to prevent loss, anger at God when loss occurs, renewed or shaken religious beliefs, feelings of being either blessed or punished, searching for a meaningful interpretation of loved one's death, visions or dreams concerning the dead loved one, questioning whether souls exist and wondering what happens to loved ones after death, the need to "finish business" with a purposeful ending or closure to the relationship (such as a funeral, memorial service, last-rites ceremony, or other goodbye ritual). If, after reading these summaries, you're concerned that your feelings or actions are unusual or truly out of control, it's a good idea to contact a professional therapist. You might also seek support from one of the many resources for grieving pet owners. What to Do If You Learn Your Pet May Be Dying The grief and worry can wear you down and stress you out. Here are some coping strategies. By Dana Durrance and Carolyn Butler of the Argus Center for Human-Animal Bond Resources Your veterinarian tells you that your pet has a serious or terminal illness. It's an excruciating moment ? or perhaps so shocking that you feel numb. The tumult of emotions that follows, though, can really test your endurance. Maybe you feel angry and helpless, or sad and exhausted, or guilty because you wonder whether you could have prevented this. All of these feelings ? in any combination ? are normal and common. You may also have trouble concentrating at work or sleeping at night, or even suffer physical symptoms like headaches or changes in appetite. What's more, you may face tough decisions in the days and weeks ahead. To alleviate the stress and be able to think clearly, you need some coping strategies. The suggestions below have helped many others who have gone through similar ordeals: Write things down. When you're given a lot of medical information and you have a lot of questions, it's hard to remember everything. Keep a list of reminders and concerns. Schedule an appointment with your vet just for asking questions and exploring options, and ask about a good time for phone consultations. Seek support. Share your feelings and worries with people who understand the relationship you have with your pet. When you must make a decision about care, ask trusted friends or family members for opinions. Don't try to protect your children by keeping them out of discussions or decisions; if they love your pet, they need to be involved. If, on the other hand, they seem to need some distance, don't force their involvement. Think about quality of life. Individual animals have different personalities and levels of tolerance. You know your pet best, so you're the expert on what keeps him happy day to day. It may help to write down your thoughts on this. Think, too, about pain versus suffering: Pain is a physical sensation, and medication can control it fairly well. Suffering is harder to evaluate and may arise, for example, from a greatly diminished ability to engage in daily routines or to interact with you. Remember, as you explore this difficult issue, that there are no right and wrong answers. Take your time, and trust your instincts. Take care of yourself. Helping a loved one through a serious illness is stressful and tiring. You may focus so much energy on your pet that you neglect yourself, and over time your own health can suffer. Prevent this by making sure you eat right, get enough sleep, and talk to loved ones frequently. Don't hesitate to ask for their help. Ask for guidance. Don't hesitate to contact a professional counselor, or call your local humane society and find out if it sponsors a pet loss support group. Another option is to call the grief counselors at Colorado State University's Changes: The Support for People and Pets Program. These are masters-level therapists. Call 970-491-1242 between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. Mountain time, Monday through Friday. If you'd like to exchange thoughts online with other Petopia users who are coping with grief, go to http://discussions.petopia.com/we/petopia/loveloss. Dana Durrance, M.S., is the director of Changes: The Support for People and Pets Program at Colorado State University's Veterinary Teaching Hospital. She helps grieving pet owners before, during, and after the deaths of their beloved companion animals. Carolyn Butler, M.S., is the coordinator of the Argus Center's Bond-Centered Practice Institute, also at Colorado State University. Carolyn teaches veterinary professionals and students how to help pet owners during emotional times. Talking With Children About a Pet's Death Here are some thoughts on how to help your kids understand and cope. By the staff of the Argus Center for Human-Animal Bond Resources For many children, the loss of a pet is their first experience with death. Parents often struggle with how best to guide their children as they deal with sorrow, fear, and the inevitable questions. Seeing your children in anguish tears at your heart. You may find a little comfort in taking this opportunity to teach them to express strong feelings without shame or embarrassment, and to respond to these feelings in ways that bring the experience to a healthy conclusion. While each situation must be handled somewhat differently, depending on the age and personality of the child and the level of his or her attachment to the pet, a parent needs to be patient, honest, and reassuring. Furthermore, like adults, individual children grieve in their own ways. The following suggestions will start you and your children on the path to healing: Honesty is best. Sit down with your children and explain what happened (using age-appropriate language), and encourage them to ask questions and talk about their feelings. Don't try to protect them by making up stories such as that the pet "ran away" or "was given to a better home." Your children might wonder why and might feel abandoned or guilty, thinking they were somehow to blame. Listen. Don't assume your children feel the way you do. Allow them time to express feelings in various ways. Young children who haven't yet developed strong verbal abilities tend to express grief physically and through play. So listen and watch for clues. Keep it simple. Direct language works best. Use the words died and death in your explanations. Avoid euphemisms like "put to sleep" that can confuse and frighten children. After all, children perceive that they're "put to sleep" in the evening by their parents. Of course you'll need to tailor your words to each child's age and emotional development. Don't hide your grief. It's appropriate to show your own feelings, but verbalize them too, so your children don't misinterpret intense sadness as anger, for example. Your children will take cues from you. If you behave as if your grief is normal, acceptable, and something other people can help you with, your children will do the same. Prepare for imminent loss. If you know your pet's death is approaching, talk to your kids about it. Give them chances to say goodbye in their own ways. If you're considering euthanasia, explain the procedure to them and encourage them to ask questions. If they'll be present for the euthanasia, tell them what they may see (if you don't know, talk to your veterinarian first). If children are prepared, the knowledge that they were with their pet at this important time can ease their grief. Find ways to say goodbye. Memorials allow children ? and adults ? to express grief and find closure. Encourage your kids to draw pictures, write poems, plant a tree, or make up a song. Memorials are something the whole family can share as both an expression of sadness and a celebration of your pet's life. Choose a "linking object." In addition to creating memorials, it can be valuable to keep something that reminds your children of their pet, giving them a tangible link. Children are often comforted by keeping the pet's collar on the bedpost, a picture on the dresser, or a clipping of fur in a locket. Sometimes well-meaning parents put away all pictures and other reminders of the pet because they don't want to upset the kids, but it's better for the family to see the mementos and work through the emotions stirred by them. Don't try to bring comfort with a substitute. Resist the tempting impulse to adopt a new pet right away. Your children might get the idea that a beloved family member is replaceable. Whenever you get to the point of considering a new pet, explore your children's feelings about it and make sure they understand that there will never be another animal just like the one you lost. Let other people know. With young kids especially, it can be a good idea to tell teachers that the family pet just died. The teachers will then be alert to any signs that your kids need some extra help coping. If you become concerned about one of your children's reactions to the pet's death and feel unsure how to proceed, don't hesitate to talk to the school psychologist or contact another mental health professional. The death of a pet is sad and stressful for both kids and adults. Coming together as a family to acknowledge and accept the sorrow and to talk about the life you all shared with your pet will support each person's journey toward healing.   Preparing for Your Pet's Euthanasia If the best thing for your pet now is a gentle goodbye, this guide will help you with choices you'll need to make. By the staff of the Argus Center for Human-Animal Bond Resources When your pet has become seriously ill or achingly old, you may at some point feel that her suffering is casting too dark a shadow on her life. Yet even when you know she's no longer happy, going through with euthanasia is difficult. To have as much energy and serenity as possible during this painful time, you need to make some decisions before the day of the euthanasia - ideally, as soon as you know your pet will eventually be euthanized. If you're finding it hard to think clearly, though, don't hesitate to ask a good friend to go through this list with you. (The best choice may be someone who cares about your pet but is able to be more objective than you can be.) Try to address each of these issues: Methods and details. What euthanasia procedure does your veterinarian follow? If you aren't certain what you're likely to see and what your pet will experience, ask your vet for a description. Figure out what you feel is important to know, and ask questions about those aspects. Who will be there. Do you want to be present during your pet's euthanasia? Do you want a friend or any family members to be there? If you have children, talk to them about whether they want to be present. Be sure that everyone who will attend gets informed in advance about what will take place. Emotional support. Even if you wish to be alone with your pet for the euthanasia, consider asking a friend or family member to accompany you to the appointment; this way, you'll have support as well as someone to drive you home afterward. It's especially helpful if you can tell this companion specifically what you'd like him or her to say (or not say) before and after the procedure. Logistics. Make these decisions about the euthanasia: 1. When will it take place? 2. Where will it take place? 3. What will happen to your pet's body? If you're unsure of your options, ask your veterinarian. 4. If you take your pet's body with you, what will you place it in? If you plan to bury your pet, check with local authorities about restrictions; if you're planning on a plot in a pet cemetery, visit the place and talk with the caretakers in advance. Autopsy. If there are unanswered questions about your pet's illness or injury, consider asking for a postmortem examination. Wondering why your pet was sick or hurt can complicate your grief. Last days and moments together. Think about how you want to say goodbye to your pet. Memorials. Plan some ways you'd like to honor your pet, whether by making a scrapbook, creating a monument in your backyard, or just sitting in your pet's favorite park and picturing her romping there. Consider saving something like her collar, a lock of her fur, or a clay impression of her paw. One thing you can do after the euthanasia -- until you have the emotional energy to establish a more permanent memorial -- is set out some of your pet's special possessions (toys, food bowl, a blanket, and so on). The presence of this small shrine can ease the emptiness in your home. This page last updated 3/31/02 Get your own FREE Website at