Jenny was the first pet I had after graduating from college and getting my first apartment. She was a lively, affectionate long-haired guinea pig who spent her evenings exploring my living room and snuggling on my lap. Occasionally, she liked to "share" my snacks, though I tried to discourage her from crawling into my ice cream dish to take a bite.
Jenny loved riding in the car and I took her everywhere I went on weekends. When she got sick, I rushed home from work every day and spent the entire night hand feeding her with an eyedropper and warming her in my sweater sleeve till she stopped shivering and collapsed into a sound, peaceful sleep.
When I came home from work one day to find her dead, I was devastated. I felt guilty for not finding her a better vet who might have known how to help her, for taking her to a vet who gave me medicine that might have made her worse, for going to work that morning when I had a horrible feeling she wouldn't last through the day.
For nearly four years Jenny had been my constant companion, and just walking into my silent apartment, with no cheerfully chirping guinea pig to greet me, made my heart ache.
The death of a dear friend is always painful. The loss is doubly hard when the friend is a pet and your family and friends don't take your grief seriously. People who don't understand your attachment to an animal may even ridicule your grief or urge you to just "replace" your pet immediately.
I was lucky that I had a close sister who gave me the emotional support I needed, but the grieving process for a lost pet can take a long time. As pet bereavement counselor Linda Peterson says, "Our relationships with pets can last longer than some human friendships. Today, marriages often don't last as long." But we often don't find the same emotional support from family and friends to help us express our grief.
Your pain may be most intense at certain times of the day, when you were usually involved with your pet, at feeding times, for instance, or like me, when you come home from work. Finding something else to do or changing your behavior patterns at those times can help.
It's also normal to imagine that you see or hear your pet for some time. Or you may find yourself still automatically performing routines like getting out your pet's food. After my first rabbit, Esther, died a few years ago, I continued to take her "vegetable server" down from the refrigerator every morning and start filling it with carrots or lettuce, and weeks later I was still calling her name out every time I walked through the door.
Grief for a lost pet can be especially intense for the elderly or children. "Empty-nesters" suffer because they "put more value on their animal," and for children, a pet's death may be the first experience of loss. But young adults who have no emotional supports to help them cope with the loss are often hardest hit. For single adults, the human-pet bond may have been particularly strong, and frequently no one else knew the pet well enough to share the intense grief. Sue Duberstein and Lesley Holden of Pet Bereavement Counseling say that adults living alone are often the most vulnerable group in their practice.
Peterson suggests making a photo scrapbook or writing a poem in memory of your lost pet. Focusing on the good memories is helpful for both adults and kids.
It's also a good idea to spend extra time with your aging pets - they may not be around for long. Peterson urges people to take a lot of pictures or videotapes of pets when they are still young and healthy, as well. These photos will be valuable for preserving your pet's memory when it is gone.
If you must have your pet "put down" to end its suffering, it may help to be present during his final moments. Rituals like a burial ceremony or leaving flowers at the site of the grave can have a healing effect. Many people make a donation to a humane organization or shelter in their deceased pet's name, and some veterinary schools accept scholarship funds in the name of donors.
Honesty is the best approach when your child asks about the pet's death. Say something like, "Fluffy's body stopped working properly," instead of telling your child the pet "went to sleep and won't wake up," which can frighten a child.
Funeral services are important opportunities for children to say a final goodbye to their pet, and a simple memorial should also be encouraged.
Don't be afraid to show your own grief. This helps validate what your child is feeling. Encourage your child to talk about his feelings, too. Creating a scrapbook, drawings or a poem in memory of the lost pet helps children focus on positive memories.
Many people post poems or tributes at a pet memorial web site like the Rainbow Bridge in memory of their beloved pets or create a special page on their pet's site. Most of us will, unfortunately, outlive many companion animals during our lifetime. Formalizing our grief in ritual, memorials, scrapbooks, and tributes can help ease the pain.
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