Bangkwakg Maximum Security Prison
Bangkok, with its modern airport, pulsing metropolis, and abundance of traveler-friendly amenities, is the gateway to S.E. Asia. A large percentage of visitors to the region pass through this city. The majority of those lacking a trust fund or expense account stay on or around Koh San Road.
As we made our way to the airport, it hit me - I'm coming home baby! Three months ago I packed up my game and headed West - to S.E. Asia. A hell of a lot of crazy stuff had happened - from monastic meditation to Kava fueled Full Moon Parties. Suddenly, however, I was excited by the thought of:
* Drinking water out of the tap
* ATM Machines
* McDonald's
* Well Paved Streets
* Clean Clothes
I suppose when you get down to it, I yearned for convenience. Convenience coupled with the comfort of things going according to plan. Nothing in this part of the world is easy. The way I spent today, my last day in Asia, is a perfect illustration:
All I had to do was get a few last minute presents before my 11:45PM flight - simple. So simple that I decided to get up early and squeeze in a little sightseeing before lunch. By the time the afternoon arrived, however, I realized shopping was going to be out of the question.
Instead of haggling with street-vendors, I found myself dressed like a fag on Folsum, drunkenly weaving down the wrong side of the road. With a B.A.C of a sailor on shore leave, it was all I could do to keep the truck from plowing into the parked cars lining the street. My task was further complicated by an additional number of challenges. My right hand was busy guiding the steering wheel while balancing an oversized Heineken. Whenever it could find a break from fending off the amorous advances of my new friend Lek, my left was learning to work the stick shift (steering wheels are located on the opposite side in Thailand).
-- Here's What Happened --
Back in Vietnam, I'd heard a story about a friend of a friend of an acquaintance visiting an inmate in a Thai prison. Sounded like a cool thing to do on my last day in Bangkok.
7:30 AM
Feeling good, I boarded the Bangkok river ferry to Nontambury, the location of the Bangkwakg Maximum Security Prison.
8:00 AM
I waltzed up to the front desk, proclaimed my nationality, and stated that I would like to visit an American inmate. The officer in charge looked me over, shook his head, and told me to go away. Not to be deterred, I put on my best Rush Chairman smile and asked once more, this time even more convincingly. Again, my request was flatly denied. Something in his tone told me not to press my luck. He was wearing a gun.
8:00 AM - 1 PM
While being bounced from office to office within the prison and adjoining department of corrections, I learned that:
* Embassies need to be contacted.
* Any such visits need to be scheduled in advance.
* Red tape, forms, and procedures need to be filled out.
* Strangely, the biggest obstacle was my outfit. It was repeatedly pointed out that my tank top, board shorts, and flip flops were completely inappropriate for such a visit. I knew that Thais considered beach wear quite disrespectful for attending temple or appearing in court, but it never dawned on me that the same would apply to jail visits!
Ironically, my appearance and utter lack of preparation were so pathetic that an elderly Thai officer took pity on me. After warning that it would be a very long shot, she gave me the name of a coworker who just might be able to help. The friend she directed me to turned out to be one of the officers who had essentially laughed me out of his office less than an hour ago. My return was met with an equal dose of laughter but this time something felt different.
Among his small staff there was a debate in Thai followed by laughter. Finally, a consensus appeared to be reached. The man in charge told me that my wish would be granted. I was floored. Not only would the red tape be cut, but they were going to help me cover up my largest obstacle, my appearance. There was one catch of course - a sort trade off if you will. After listening to the proposition, I agreed. I'd come too far to let such a minor task deter me. The offer was strange but, then again, this was a strange country.
2:00 - 3:00
I was led to the visiting room. As I waited, I checked out the place. The visitors and I were seated on one side of a chain link fence. Three feet of dead space and another fence separated us from the inmates. To my left an enormous African woman visited what appeared to be her love interest. They were engaged in an animated conversation which frequently vacillated between passion and anger. The scene to my immediate right was far more interesting and quickly grabbed my attention. A middle aged American male with a thick southern drawl met with three Thai inmates. He'd brought a stack of Bibles and an assortment of additional books with titles such as Don't Gamble With Your Soul. The conversation went something like this:
Confederate Bible Beater: "God sent his only begotten son to save mankind from eternal damnation."
Thai Inmates: blank stares
C. B. B.: "Do you understand what I'm saying?"
Thai Inmates: blank stares
C.B.B.: (louder) "DO YOU….UNDERSTAND….. WHAT I'M SAYING?"
Thai Inmates: confused nods
C.B.B.: (even louder) "Without accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior, you can not be granted access into the kingdom of heaven.
etc.
etc.
etc.
Finally, the moment arrived. A good looking guy in his mid thirties took a seat opposite me and introduced himself. Alex Spurgeon resembled a shorter version of B.J. from B.J. and the Bear. He was an immediately likeable fellow with a quick wit and agreeable demeanor [sorry no picture, couldn't bring the camera in]. During our talk, I learned that compared to American prisons, this one really wasn't so bad. There was essentially no violence, the place was relatively clean, and the inmates were granted a lot of autonomy. They were allowed to roam the prison grounds during the day and visit with other inmates at night. If you had some money, an array of additional priviledges were available. These ranged from candy to conjugal visits.
There were, however, a few drawbacks. The most notable was the fact that the inmates, not the state, paid for their incarceration. For Alex, this amounted to about $75 per month. When he couldn't come up with the cash through friends or family, the US State Department was kind enough to loan him the money, with interest. As our time ran out, he answered the question that had been on the top of my mind. He had spent the past seven and a half years in Bangkwakg for unsuccessfully attempting to bring two kilos of heroin into Thailand via Seattle. For his trouble, he was given a life sentence but hoped to be placed into US custody and released on probation before he was forty. I wished Alex luck, told him I'd left a few books with the guards, and made my way back to the offices.
I still had to uphold my half of the bargain.
4:00
I'd been told that Lek [see picture], one of the office workers, was in love with me. How she could have fallen for me in 5 minutes was beside the point. I'd learned long ago that very little makes sense in S.E. Asia. In exchange for my nifty clothes, I was to take her out for drinks. The fact that, for some unknown reason, I wasn't to take off the now sweat-soaked capri pants didn't make the prospect very appealing. Nor did the fact that my date was far from attractive, didn't speak a lick of English, and giggled incessantly.
But a deal was a deal.
Lek had me drive her pickup truck to a restaurant by the river. Shortly after we were seated, a bucket of ice, a flask of Thai whiskey, and a single can of coke arrived at our table [see picture]. Lek smiled sheepishly.
It was late afternoon and I realized that I needed to return to Bangkok soon if I was going to make my flight. A plan was necessary. I settled on the idea of quickly getting her drunk and making a fast getaway. Yeah, she weighed as much as I, but everyone knows that chicks can't hold their liquor as well as guys - they're missing a chromosome or something. I upped the ante and ordered two oversized Heineken bottles.
The drinks were delicious and tasted better than anything I could have imagined. It was spooky how easily they went down. Any rational person would have realized that since I hadn't had anything to eat or drink since breakfast (no drinking fountains in Thailand), my plan was fundamentally flawed.
A ridiculous amount of drinks later, Lek and I stumbled out into the parking lot.
A.) Fire-up the truck and go for it. If we didn't get back to the Prison and its ferry landing pronto, I'd miss my flight.
2.) Do the right thing and walk. Since Bangkwakg is essentially a prison town, it's populated by an inordinate number of police and prison officials. I didn't want some punk kid visiting me seven years from now.
C.) Lie down and take a short nap.
As attractive as C was, I opted for A. By the grace of God, I wound up on Asiana Airline's San Francisco-bound flight that night.
As we lifted off, I reclined my chair and dreamt of McDonald's.
