Do you know why women fake orgasm?
Because men fake foreplay.

What's the difference between white fairy tales and black fairy tales
White fairy tales starts, "Once upon a time....."
Black fairy tales starts, "Yo, you motherfuckers ain't gonna believe
this shit....."

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
after a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention
of driving.

What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts
Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
She is the one who can eat the last donut!

How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and
refrigerator...

I am so good in bed that when I have sex even the neighbors need a
cigarette.

Jewish dilemma: Free PORK.

What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King
Day?

On St. Patrick's Day, everybody wishes they were Irish.

How can you tell which is the head nurse?
The one with the dirty knees.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade.
Who has the biggest tits? The blonde, because she's18.

Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor-lock.

Priests should really be allowed to marry.
Until then, they'll never know what HELL is really like.

What is the difference between Olympic swimmers, and Olympic divers?
Mark Spitz and Greg Swallows.

The three words most hated by men during sex?
"Are you done?"

Three words women hate to hear when having sex
"Honey, I'm home!"

Why do men take showers instead of baths?
Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?
It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.

Who are the three most famous Chinese virgins?
"Tu Yung Tu," "Tu Dum Tu" and "No Yen Tu!"

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went...

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully
in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

Why don't pygmies wear tampons?
They keep stepping on the strings.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!

How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."

Why do women smile as they walk down the aisle?
Because they know they've given their last blowjob.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
give
the wrong answers.

Bumper Sticker: Hang up and drive.

Here lies my wife,
I bid her goodbye.
She rests in peace
and now so do I.

Why did so many blacks die in Vietnam?
When the sergent said "Get down!", they got up and started dancing.

How do you know when your redheaded woman has forgiven you?
She stops washing your clothes in the toilet bowl.

What's the difference between a blonde and a redhead in bed?
A blonde let's you leave the bed when you are satisfied. A redhead
let's you leave the bed when SHE is satisfied.

What's the difference between a terrorist and a Jewish mother?
You can negotiate with the terrorist!

Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.

Penises come in 4 sizes, Small, Medium, Large & "ohhh does
that come in WHITE."

Why are Women's feet shorter than men's feet?
So they can stand closer to the sink.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex
drive By 90 percent. ... wedding cake!

What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Bumper Sticker: Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks
you're an asshole.

If you women knew what men were thinking, you'd never
stop slapping us.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.

My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week, it took four
state troopers and a dog to separate us.

What do you get when you cross 1,000 state workers with
1,000 lesbians? 2,000 people that don't do dick!