Getting married
is very much like going to a restaurant with
friends.
You order what you
want, then when you see what the other person
has, you wish you
had ordered that.
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At the cocktail
party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you
wearing your wedding
ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes,
I
am, I married the
wrong man."
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After a quarrel,
a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool
when I married
you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and
didn't notice."
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A lady inserted
an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next
day she received
a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You
can have mine."
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The bride, upon
her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've
found a man just
like father!" Her mother replied,
"So what do you
want from me, sympathy?"
-----------------------
When a woman steals
your husband, there is no better revenge than to
let her keep him.
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Eighty percent
of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in
Europe.
=======================
Man is incomplete
until he is married. Then he is finished.
-------------------
A little boy asked
his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?"
And the father
replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
----------------------
Young Son: Is it
true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a
man doesn't know
his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens
in every country, son.
----------------------
Then there was
a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was
until I got married;
and then it was too late."
-----------------------
A woman was telling
her friend, "It is I who made my husband a
millionaire."
"And what was he
before you married him?" asked the friend. The
woman replied,
"A billionaire."
-----------------------
"The trouble with
being the best man at a wedding is that you never
get to prove it."
-----------------------
Marriage is the
triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage
is the triumph of hope over experience.
----------------------
If you want your
spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
word you say, talk
in your sleep.
-----------------------
Just think, if
it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had
no faults at all.
-----------------------
You know the honeymoon
is pretty much over when you start to go out
with the boys on
Wednesday nights, and so does she.
----------------------
During a heated
spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd
learn to cook and
were willing to clean this place, we could fire the
maid."
The wife, fuming,
shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make
love, we could
fire the chauffeur and the gardener."
-----------------------
Personally, I think
one of the greatest things about marriage is
that as both husband
and father, I can say anything I want to around the
house.
Of course, no one
pays the least bit of attention.
------------------------
According to the
latest surveys, when making love, most married men
fantasize that
their wives aren't fantasizing.
-------------------------
Husband: Want a
quickie? Wife: As opposed to what?
-------------------------
My girlfriend told
me I should be more affectionate. So I got two
girlfriends.
-------------------------
How do most men
define marriage? A very expensive way to get your
laundry done free.
------------------------
The most effective
way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget
it once.
--------------------------
Words to live by:
Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your
parachute.
--------------------------
First guy (proudly):
"My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're
lucky, mine's still alive."
---------------------------
Women will never
be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head
and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.