Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband
     wears boxers rather than briefs?
A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he
     doesn't wear anything at all.

Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly
     when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is
     A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
A. Then the jig is up.

Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby
     will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should
     I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.

Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose,
     and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have
     a big nose as well. Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.

Q. Since I became pregnant, My breasts, rear end, and even
     my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller
     during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.

Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go
     to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what you're doing with them.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers
     smile at me. Why?
A. Because you're fatter then they are.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that
     sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question, dipshit?

Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.

Q. Under what circumstances can sex at the end of
     pregnancy bring on labor?
A. When the sex is between your husband
     and another woman.

Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant
     woman and a Playboy centerfold?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows
     what's good for him.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel
     during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be
     called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room
     while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will
     see me in that delicate position?
A. Authorized personnel only -- doctors, nurses, oderlies,
     photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.

Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink
     her plans to nurse.

Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra.
     It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.

Q. What is the grasp reflex?
A. The reaction of new fathers when they see
     a new mother's breasts.

Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby
     from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

Q. What happens to disposable diapers after
     they're thrown away?
A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest,
     in the event of global chemical warfare.

Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q. What causes baby blues?
A. Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.

Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.

Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother
     dreams she's pregnant again.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife
     begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.