Katie is into God. I mean like "holy shit what the fuck is wrong with you" into God. Our relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend was great for the most part. The thing that ruined it was her extreme Jesus-freakness. She never actually told me why she broke up with me. She just said "God is telling me that I'm not ready to date anyone." The obvious question then becomes, "Well why the hell were you dating me then?" To this day, I still don't know exactly why she broke up with me. It was tough not knowing at first, but then I figured out that all I have to do is hate Katie's guts and I feel a lot better about it (^^) Enjoy! Oh, and Katie's real parents lost custody a while ago because of drug use. She used to live with her grandmother, but she and her siblings grew up and became too much for granny to handle. That's why she's living with the family that she is right now.
January '04: I had seen Katie at church and in small groups before, so both Katie and I knew about each other. We met eachother for real for the first time at Arcade Church's high school gym night, where I go just to tear up the other church kids in basketball. Katie was there that night and noticed the metaphorical ass rapings I had given to the other kids on the court. When I was sitting out because my team had won a shitload of games in a row and we thought we should be nice and let some other kids play, Katie approached me and said, "You never told me you were good at basketball, like, 'I'll kick your butt' good." At this point I'm thinking, "Well that makes sense, since I've never talked to you before in my life, dumbshit." I told her that I used to play basketball a lot before I started playing tennis. To my delight, that shut her up and allowed me to regain my focus on the matter at hand: raping little boys on the basketball court. For some unimaginable reason, I thought that I might be interested in dating Katie. My guess is I saw that she wasn't a girly girl, she went to church, and she was modestly hot. Two and a half of those three things I liked, so that's probably why I started liking her.
The Sunday after said gym night: I was still toying with the idea of liking Katie. Church was done and I was waiting for my parents to emerge from the sanctuary. I saw Katie across the way and said to myself, "If Katie says hi to me, I'll continue to entertain the idea of liking her." Sure enough, from like 50 feet away, she says hi to me. I waved back and that was that.
The Wednesday after said Sunday: Back then, the juniors from Arcade used to meet at my house on Wednesdays for small group Bible study. I never really payed attention during those things, I just made fun of everything said. Katie had come a few times before, but never often. For whatever reason, she showed up that week. During the discussion, Katie somehow got to talking about how she thought she liked some guy once, but then the next time she saw him she decided she didn't. Since I was starting to like her, I was hoping she wasn't talking about me. When everybody left my house, I wrote Katie a letter and asked her if she was talking about me. When addressing the envelope, I couldn't remember her last name. I searched like 8 different sources and didn't end up finding it until I finally asked someone online. Finally I got the letter out and she called me a couple days later. She said she wasn't talking about me. We talked for a little bit and I got her phone number. Score.
Now that I had Katie's phone number, I could take the next step in the.
She and I talked on the phone a few times and she seemed like a fairly un-idiotic person. I would soon find out though, that it wasn't Katie I should be worrying about, so much as I should look out for her parents. Check that - her prison wardens.
I was going to invite Katie to a movie one night, but then found out that she was planning on going to Chevy's for a friend's birthday party. She didn't have a ride though, so I offered to take her. In the mouth I had a canker sore that day. She was flattered at the offer, but said that her wardens wouldn't let her drive with someone they hadn't met. Look out! I could be a shitty driver! Oh wait, I'm a man. Nevermind. The times that Katie's wardens should really worry is when they drive her around. After all, they are both women. One time, Katie told her shedad that she didn't feel like part of the family, and that sheson of a bitch broke out in tears. Yeah, so I can't drive Katie to Chevy's and somehow I end up buying In-N-Out and bringing it to her house. Damn I spent way to much money on her. She wasn't even that good at chess. She wolfed down her food in about 5 seconds, then morphed back into a human. We talked or did something boring 'cause I don't remember what we did. As I was leaving, she informed me that her shemale warden made her make a list of boundaries regarding me. I was like, "WTF and a bag of chips?" I finished snacking and she told me that for now, she could only high-5 me. I was pretty excited until I found out that it was a sex move. I realized she was a complete perv so I ran home in my car and went and OD'd on pickles.
I went to her house a few days later and did something else that was boring and leveled up to hug status. Somehow between then and Valentine's Day, we figured out that we liked each other. I don't know if it was the casual phone conversations, the good times at Bible study, or the hot rampant sex, but somewhere in there we ended up liking each other. Valentine's Day was on a Saturday I believe and there happened to be a gym night that night. As any two people who have liked each other would know, Katie's brain and my brain were as one. I think Katie's brain had the most influence though, 'cause I ended up buying her a lot of shit. That and I started shoving tampons up my ass uncontrollably. So, thinking and acting as one, we brought each other Valentine's Day gifts. I gave her some coffee and a documentary that I spent a whole night making. The documentary turned out shitty, but the coffee was damn good. In return, she gave me a small stuffed skunk with a candy cane up its ass. I took one look at it and said, "If you're asking me to do what I think you are...." Then she said, "What do you think I'm asking you to do?" And I said, "Well the anal sex I'll do, but I will not eat this candy cane. I'm diabetic."
At this point, I was in total control. I'd say, "Jump," she'd say, "How high?" I'd say "Eygun in knock 'n' fwerf," she'd say, "Aaaaaaw Yeeauh chicken wings." The relationship had some good prospects, but all of that was about to change.
Katie and I were at my house watching the documentary I made and having fun doing it. We finished having sex and watched the rest of the documentary. While we were watching said documentary, I put my arm around her shoulder. She felt the arm around the shoulder, and saw that it was good. I was so in control. When the documentary ended, she went home, and I went into the bathroom and masturbated. With my dog I like to run around the neighborhood.
The next day, Katie came over and caught me masturbating. With my dog I like to run around the neighborhood. She was about to join in, but I was done masturbating. With my dog I like to run around the neighborhood. She didn't come over just to catch me with my pants down though, she came to totally blind side me. She felt that the arm around the shoulder during the documentary was too fast.
"Whaaaaa!?!"
Arm around the shoulder too fast? Does an arm around the shoulder even indicate progression at all? I mean what is that, like one-fourthst base? So much for my control. I was so bewildered, I didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything.
Oh yeah, I had to have an interrogative lunch with the shemale warden in order to be able to date Katie. I can't remember which Sunday it happened, but it happened. The best part about it: free pizza. The worst part about it: everything else. That manwhore even gave me some bullshit book about dating. I knew there was something fishy about it when I saw that it was written on 8.5x11 inch paper, the pages were in a binder, half the pages were blank so it looked thicker than it really was, and he specifically told me he didn't write it. I still haven't read that book. In fact, it's still in the manilla envelope he gave it to me in. One time my friend Mike fucked his girlfriend in Copeland's and left the condom in a jacket. I can only imagine what his book might say. Probably something to the effect of, "I churn butter on my Amish farm. Don't date my daughter."
So, in a matter of a little while, I went from king of the hill to mad TV. FX shows them back to back. It's awesome. Alright that was dumb, I'm sorry. There's one more thing that added to the snowball effect of the relationship becoming shitty.
I guess Katie and I were dating or something. Well one Sunday at church, Katie decides to forfeit her ticket to heaven and stops listening to the pastor. Instead, she starts writing notes to me. She asked me, "Why do you come here?" Naturally I wrote back, "'Cause if I didn't you wouldn't go out with me, DUH!" Then she asks me to recall the last time I prayed. Besides the night before at dinner, I couldn't think of when I last prayed. Well that sure didn't help. Just to keep myself in contention, I had to write some long ass letter about how I had been considering a new commitment to God. Katie believed me, but guess who didn't. Nope, actually it was the shemale warden. Shehe didn't buy it for one second, despite the fact that it was true. Basically what happened after that was shehe said Katie and I should wait 6 months before we start dating. How he came up with that number I don't know. He probably just bought a new tractor that had a 6 month warranty and thought, "Well if it works for John Deere, then damnit it can work for me." When I heard about the 6 month proposal, I figured Katie and I were through. But there was a side to Katie that I hadn't seen up to that point.
"I'm fucked. In the matter of going out with Katie, that is," I told myself. Katie and I still liked each other and still kept in contact regularly. Easter vacation came around quickly. I don't know what happened between the 6 month proposal and Easter, but our likings for each other somehow remained throughout. Probably because of the Bible study at my house.
So anyway it's Easter break and we're all on vacation, and Katie's wardens leave town for some reason. They probably just got lost on their Amish farm somewhere in a pile of mud or shit. Anyhow, Katie was staying at her godparents' house. They are nice people. One day Katie was bored so she went skydiving. She asked me if I wanted to come over and do nothing, but I said I had tennis practice to go to. She ended up coming to my tennis practice and watching me play. Similar to what I do when playing basketball at gym night, I raped some bigger, yet still relatively small boys. Katie was impressed at how good I was at playing tennis and raping little boys at the same time. When practice was over, Katie and I went to her godparents' house and watched TV or something. Once TV was over, we watched a heart-warming romantic comedy next to a cozy log fire, all bundled up in warm flannel blankets and held each other until we both developed 108 degree fevers and died. We were watching Crank Yankers and all of a sudden we started making out. I bit her tongue off and she bled to death. Thankfully I was ready with a big glass bowl to catch the blood while she was dying and was able to donate the blood to leukemia patients.
We made out for two months straight without stopping and without her wardens finding out. I think they were still lost in the same pile of mud or shit as before, so they had no idea. We were still making out, then Junior Prom came around and we had sex for 12 straight hours no we didn't. Junior Prom was cool but the next day Katie said she was paranoid about getting caught by the wardens while making out. With my dog I like to run around the neighborhood.
We pretty much broke up after junior prom. The day after prom, Sunday, we talked about it and then prayed and asked God if we should be going out (I mean like "holy shit what the fuck is wrong with you" into God). The only issue was that we were going behind her wardens' hairy backs. My parents were fine with us dating. They don't live on an Amish farm. So basically all Katie and I needed was permission from her wardens. Lo and behold, the day after we pray, the shemale warden says Katie and I can date because shehe is tired of bickering with Katie over every little thing.
Alrighty, we can date now. But, oh no. Katie wants to wait until the end of June when she gets back from a two week long church camp to finally decide whether or not to date. This is when she decided that she really didn't want to date me because all we ever did from then until she got back was make out and that's about it. Friends with benefits.
Predictably, she came back from camp and confirmed the prior indications that she didn't want to date me. She said, "God is telling me I'm not ready to date anyone." She left me with the impression that we might go out later on when, "God tells her she is ready to date now," or some shit like that. So I was thinking, "Well no other girl I know is as cool as Katie. I guess I can hang out until she's ready." I went and watched The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring and right when it finished Katie burst in and said she was ready to date now that she had fulfilled her lifelong dream of killing a hedgehog. Not.
Well June turned into July, July turned into August, August turned into September, September turned into October, October turned into November, and November turned into December. Sometime in August though, our relationship began to deteriorate, so I posed the question, "Are we still planning on dating?" to which the response was, "No. I told you back in June that we would most likely not date ever again."
"Uh, no you didn't. You said you weren't ready to date anyone."
"Yeah, and that we'd never date again, unless something changes."
"You're full of shit."
"Yeah I am - I mean no I'm not."
"I'm not the kind of person who waits around for two weeks for a big piece of news, and then fails to listen to the news. You are full of shit. This isn't the only time you've claimed to have said something when you really didn't. I can't remember what it was because it was a while ago and it didn't matter much."
"Oh well. We're not dating ever again. Good bye."
"Your haircut looks like shit, BITCH."
© 2004 Pflanzenfaser