About fucking time. It's over. Now that it's done, I can write a review.
Overall, Katie sucked an enormous cock. She takes God way too seriously for her age and she doesn't like my music. One time after Bible study I was showing my friend Bob the ending to this Incubus song where Santa Claus beats up a little kid, but OH MY LORDY!!! They say "ass" ("ass" as in butt, not as in donkey; if it would have been "ass" as in donkey, it would have been ok because "ass" as in donkey is used in the Bible; seriously if there was a misprint in a Bible that said "Thou shallt kill thy neighbor" instead of "Though shallt not kill thy neighbor," some people would actually kill their neighbors) and they say "fu-", which obviously would have been "fuck" if it hadn't been cut off by the end of the track. Upon hearing these various words of infidelity, she proclaims, "They don't use very Christian language," to which I reply, "You know what, you're right. They don't use very Christian language, because there's no such thing as 'very Christian' language, it's either Christian or it's not Christian." And then one time, I had Rage Against the Machine's "Down Rodeo" on in my car and she said, "I don't like this song." What a whore.
Beyond that, Katie has another serious problem. This problem has nothing to do with her being spiritually wacky. Her problem (which she openly admitted to, but not under the context that it was a problem) is that she gets depressed when she's not around people. Boo-fuckin'-hoo :*(. This is something that really pisses me off. For example, we'd be together at church and we'd just be standing around or whatever. With the apparent absence of a multitude of people around her, she feels the depression beginning to sink in because she hasn't flapped her gums in the last four seconds. To counter this feeling of depression, she takes a lap around the entire fucking church just saying hi to people. And of course I go follow her around because I dont' want to look like a moron just sitting there by myself. After much experience though, I've found that moronity beats looking like a fucking dog, following its master everywhere she goes. It wouldn't have been so bad if I'd have been able to meet some people that I don't care about. I mean, at least for five seconds I'd know the names of the people that I don't care about. What really gets my goat is that at church, a place I go to every week and mingle amongst the same people, Katie doesn't introduce me to anyone. Then, MY junior prom comes along and I take Katie. Note that it's MY Jesuit junior prom -- J, J, J-E-S, J-E-S-U-I-T Jesuit junior prom, which consists of people that Katie will NEVER see again in her life. Fuck, I'll be lucky if I ever see these people again. But lo and behold, every time I just say hi to one of my friends and walk away, she starts whining, "C'moooooooon! Introduce meeeeee!" Shut up bitch. If you wanted to meet people at this dance, you should have bought your own ticket for ninety dollars.
It's also extremely annoying when I'm at gym night waiting to play and I see Katie talk to someone until they run out of their corny inside jokes that come from the time one of them spilled their drink at dinner five years ago. "Uh oh! My happy-meter shows that I'm damn near suicidal depression! Better go find someone to fill me up!" So she moves on to the next person she barely knows but happened to be in the same small discussion group during winter camp when she spilled her guts about her past, so everyone sympathizes with and tolerates her. I don't think I could handle knowing that many people. If I was in that position, I'd just call all the girls "Ashley" and all the guys "Dick." Except for my real friends, of course. I'd call them by their real names.
I shouldn't be so harsh though. There is one good quality to her. She is smart. When I say she's smart, I don't mean she's nerdy, I mean she is not a dumb bitch. She's above the whole, "Wear Abercrombie & Fitch, get a boyfriend and be a bitch." Unfortunately, she's obsessed with "following God's plan," which, judging by her actions, includes lying to her parents about her relationships. Nice moral judgement on that one, Mother Maranda. I don't know why she was so worried about her parents finding out about us. They didn't trust her with anything in the first place. Whatever though. Her parents can eat a dick for all I care. In fact, I could kill two birds with one stone. I could take the collective dick out of both of their asses and have them eat that. Wow, your adopted daughter has sexual impulses! Remember those? There's these glands in your body that used to be connected to the brain you used to have, and when you used to look at each other when you used to be young, your glands used to send the hormones you used to produce to the parts of your bodies that used to be worthy of being called sexual organs. The phrase you used to describe this was, "being in the mood." I can see the gears turning now. Now that you're awake, try waking up to the fact that your daughter can make her own decisions. Let her fuck up here and there. It'll only make her stronger. "Nooooo, not emotional strength! RUN!!!"
Enough of those cocks.
"Go Stephen! WOOOOH!!!" Where's a tranq gun when you need one? Holy shit Katie is annoying. I was obligated to go to this guy's soccer game because he's in my Wednesday night Bible study and to promote togetherness, we agreed to attend some of each other's events. Watching a rec level soccer game isn't exactly my idea of a good Saturday, but considering who was at the soccer game, keeping my eyes glued to the ball wasn't so bad. You know what I hate most about Katie? I HATE how she says hi to me. Here's how she says it.
"Hey Daniel. How are you?"
Translation: Well well, look who's here. How's the recovery from the massive ass-raping I gave you a few months ago by saying "God is telling me I'm not ready to date anyone," and giving you the impression that we might get back together sometime then claiming two months later that I told you I would never date you again even though I never said anything close to that?
Thanks, but no thanks, bitch. Next time, do me a favor and pretend you don't see me.
I wish I had never dated Katie. In honor of that, I will tell you why no one should ever get married.
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The idea that nobody should get married is based around balance. In short, the ideal marriage that most people dream of is fundamentally unbalanced. If the imbalance is properly countered, the marriage will no longer be the ideal marriage, and who wants to waste their time on something like that?
A phrase that adequately defines "balance" is needed. For this piece, think of balance as, "not getting too high, and not getting too low."
A marriage to the ideal spouse is fundamentally out of balance. An ideal spouse is one that comes as close to perfect as possible for someone. If this ideal spouse was to be married to the one who finds him or her to be ideal, the latter would be completely obsessed with the former. In essence, the latter would like the former too much. This sort of uber-enjoyment is great until something happens: the ideal spouse dies. Once that happens, the obsessed person is fucked for life, 'cause we all know there's only one ideal spouse for any one person. To make the imbalance a little easier to see, here's a chart:
As you can see from this visual aid, the person is doing just fine before marriage; not overly happy, not overly sad. Just cruising nicely through life. But then all of the sudden, the person (he), gets married and is pissing champagne and shitting out bon-bons. He gets used to this kind of life, when all of the sudden, "Ah fuck! Wifey's dead!" Life now sucks, forever, because the super terrific life he was accustomed to is now gone, never to be experienced again because the one person who best completed him is now a rotting carcass. In case you're not familiar with the way lines work on a graph, it's important to know that lines have no end. So when you see an arrow, that means the line goes forever in the direction of the arrow. If you apply this concept to the above graph, you'll notice that Joe Blow's level of happiness is never coming up. He's going to be sad until the day he dies.
Now that you can see why the ideal marriage leads to imbalance, lets see what happens when someone tries to avoid the imbalance by marrying someone who is only somewhat likeable.
Someone: "Um, Onlysomewhatlikeablespouse?...you're...only somewhat likeable. I'm filing for a divorce, because frankly, I can just masturbate and retire 20 years earlier than I would with having to support you."
There you have it. A mediocre marraige is nothing more than X amount of years that your retirement is pushed back.
In conclusion, an ideal marriage will fuck you up, and an average marriage sucks. Therefore, nobody should ever get married. The End.
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Never date anyone like Katie. Though she will try to show you the way to heaven, she will take you to hell in the process.
© 2005 Pflanzenfaser