To whom it may concern: Due to a large increase in writing experience since the last story for children sorta, I feel that no official warm-up is necessary in order to denote the start of this new story for children sorta. I hereby waive my right to an official warm-up to this new story for children sorta. I do hope that my decision will be accepted without evoking any sort of disappointment or lament. I urge the reader to take notice of the fact that with no official warm-up to read, he or she can move that much more quickly to the story itself, wasting no time in experiencing the fabricated dramatic unfolding which it offers. Regards, Pflanzenfaser = = = = High school is often said to be one of the best stages of life. It's also said that if you can survive high school, you can survive anything. "ALL RIGHT YOU HOOLIGANS, PIPE DOWN!" said Mrs. Panderson. "Today we'll be breaking up into small groups to begin discussing our big project coming up -- geometric phenomena. I've already sorted the groups, so just listen for your name and the group number. Yes sir, you have a question?" "This is world history, not geometry." "Very funny, young man. Now, group one is--" "Sorry I'm late. Thank you for sitting in for a few minutes, Mrs. Panderson." "I'm sorry Mr. Gelsy, but this is my geometry class." "Oh boy. Jeff, could you go down to the office and tell them to take Mrs. Panderson away." "Sure Mr. Gelsy." "Thank you." "Mr. Gelsy, I really don't appreciate you coming in here and trying to commandeer my classroom." "Mrs. Panderson, you haven't taught a class in 17 years. You're a substitue now! That's why you were asked to go to this room and supervise the kids while I made my way here." "Well, I never! How dare you insult me so! I'll have you know, Mr. Gelsy, that the state honored me with a prestigious award just last year: Geometry Teacher of the Year, 1973." "Mrs. Panderson, today's date is January 25, 2006. Look at the calendar on the wall." "Mr. Gelsy! I will not play these silly games with yo--. This is... impossible. Just yesterday I was teaching these kids about circle inscriptions and radial symmetry. I'm sure of it!" "They'll be here in just a second, Mr. Gelsy." "Thank you, Jeff." "This can't be. This just can't be! This is just a big joke, right? A senior prank? Are you an accomplice in this prank, Mr. Gelsy? Or is this something bigger? Have the communists won? Am I the only true American left? This is the invasion of the body snatchers, isn't it!? They've gotten to all of you! You're all body snatchers! Oh my God, this can't be! No! You'll never take me alive! You hear me? NEVER!" "Hello Mrs. Panderson." "Oh, Dr. Spetten! Thank God you're here! You'll protect me from these body snatchers, won't you?" "You're just going to feel a little bite." "A bite? What are you talking abooouph--" "Thank you, Doctor." "You're welcome, Mr. Gelsy. Thank you for putting up with her." "Makes me not want to be late again, ha ha!" "Good day, Mr. Gelsy." "Good day." "Can you believe that Mrs. Panderson?" asked Brian. "She's a classic." "Let's face it -- she belongs in a home," said Jon. "What they do to her here is horrible." "Well, she should have payed her taxe--" "It just goes to show what a vile and twisted world we live in; so much injustice. Old ladies have to be substitute teachers just to keep their heads above water, old men get ripped off every day by internet scam artists, young women have been objectified, and young men who are not girl-crazy are labled homosexual. It is unjust, and I will not stand for it, daggumit! I will not stand for it! Something must be done! SOMETHING MUST BE DONE!" "Right. So... snack bar or cafeteria?" "Snack bar." "Awesome, I agree. I think I'll try the chili-cheese popcorn this time." "Hm, that could be tastey. I might try that to--ah, blast! I forgot about algebra." "You didn't do your algebra homework? That's a first, ha ha." "I had too much other homework last night. Darn it! I say, if the real world gives you as much busy work as high school does, I do not want to make it that far." "Geez man, relax. You're just stressed out. Just hang in there until the 3-day weekend coming up." "I will try." "Good. Well, once I get my popcorn, I'm gonna go initiate that new grass patch they just laid down, heh heh. What about you?" "How unsanitary. I can never do homework outside anyway. Too much glare." "All right. Well, I'll see you in English class then. Later Jon." "Farewell." "Omagosh did you see The Real Deal last night!?" "Omagosh yes!" "Omagosh can you even imagine!?" "Omagosh no!" "Omagosh I know! So where do you want to eat?" "I vote benches." "Eww! I veto benches! Some gross boy has most likely spat or peed on them multiple times. Let's go sit on the new grass patch they laid down!" "Oooh! Okay!"
"Ohhhh yeah. I've been holding this in since period 2. Whew! Aaaand a few steps this way... perfect." "Aw, kittens! Someone beat us to the grass patch! Guess we'll have to sit at the benches." "Halt, fair maiden! There's a cute boy on that grass patch! We must investigate! Act natural. Ahem... Say there, kind sir, mind if we sit? "Wha? Oh, well certainly not! Have a seat! My name is Brian." "Nice to meet you, Brian. I'm Kim. I'm the one who started the omagosh dialogue." "And my name is Shelly. I'm the one who rebuttocks. Oh, I mean rebutted." "Ha ha! Well it's a pleasure to meet both of you. In fact, I'd hazard to say that meeting both of you at the same time has in fact increased the pleasure exponentially, on account of how beautiful you both are. Beauty squared, right? Ha ha!" "Oooh, you must be in that advanced algebra class, huh? "Ha! No, I'm in regular. But my friend is. Must have rubbed off, ha ha!" "Ha ha! Ha ha! That was one laugh for each of your two jokes. I would have laughed directly after your first joke, but I'm a subordinate character in these circumstances, so I usually don't get to act first." "Ah. Fair enough. Thought you were tellin' me my joke sucked by not laughing, ha ha! I'm glad that's cleared up." "What's that you're eating?" "This is that new chili-cheese popcorn they're selling at the snack bar. It's pretty good. Care to taste it?" "Sure! *HOM* Mmmm! I like it a lot!" "Shelly, would you care to taste it?" "She likes it," Kim interrupted. "So, Brian, got any big plans for the 3-day weekend coming up?" "Oh you know, just relaxing. Maybe go to a party or something. How about you two?" "Same. Which party might you go to?" "I think it's Jeff's party." "Really? We were thinking about going to that one too! Maybe we'll see you there!" "Awesome! I look forward to it!" "All right! Well, if we don't see you before then, have a good week! Bye Brian!" "All right, bye Kim! Bye Shelly!" "Bye Brian!"
"Oh man, Jon, you picked the worst day to forget about algebra. I was at the grass patch, and these two angels came up to me. They were sooo beautiful!" "Really?" "Yeah dude! And then two girls came up to me." "Ellipsis." "Nothin', eh? Darn. Anyway, yeah these two girls were gorgeous." "Truly? What were their names?" "Kim and Shelly. Kim was the more attractive of the two, as well as the more talkative. Shelly actually sheemed shorta shy. Just right for you maybe. Eh, eh? Ha ha." "Oh, she is shy? Well shoot! Where do I shign? Ha ha. I think I should meet her before I make any binding agreements." "They said they'd be at Jeff's party this weekend. You gonna go?" "Jeff's party? That ape would not let me on his street if he had the say-so. Besides, I do not even like parties." "Yeah well if you want to meet Shelly, that'd be a good place to do it. And don't even worry about Jeff seeing you. It'll be a big party, and if we show up a bit late, Jeff won't even see you walk in." "Very well, but what if he sees me inside his house?" "Eh, I'm sure he'll be too busy hitting on girls to do anything to you, if he even notices you in the first place." "Hmmm... all right. I suppose I will plan on going." "Good man. You need a ride home right now?" "No, my mother is picking me up." "Ha ha, man, when are you gonna get a car?" "Probably never. Twenty dollars a month from the folks is not the kind of income that allows you to buy a car. Besides, at present I am saving up for my lifetime hunting license." "Ah. Well, whatever floats your boat. Later Jon." "Goodbye."
"All right Jon, simply walk over there and start speaking with her. Approach calmly, do not trip over anything, and for godsake, keep eye contact!" "Dude, quit talking to yourself and just walk over there." "Right, right. Whew... here I go." "HI!" "Woah, hello. ... How are you?" "Oh, me? I am well. You know, just uh, hanging out." "That's good... so did you come here with anyone?" "Yes, yes. My uh, buddy, Brian over there." "Ohhh, Brian. I remember him. I saw him at the grass patch with my friend Kim." "You caught them together at the grass patch?" "Noo no no. I was with Kim and we both saw Brian there." "Oh okay. I thought for a second that Brian had not revealed to me the full story." "Ha ha! Nope, no dirt to dig up there." "Ha, very well. Oh! Sheesh. I am Jon, by the way." "Jon, nice to meet you. I'm Shelly." "I know. Er, I mean, because Brian pointed you out and said I should go talk to you, and so I figured he would walk over with me and introduce me, but he wanted to go talk to someone else so he did not want to go with me and told me to just walk over by myself." "Oooh, okay. Ha ha." "That probably sounded rather creeping. 'I know.' Hm, probably not the best thing to say to a new person when they give their name." "Yeah, I wouldn't recommend it, ha ha." "Whew... well anyway, boring get-to-know-you dialogue." "Totally." "So you like animals, do you?" "Yep! They're the best! I especially love horses." "I see. Well, you may not like this, but I do a lot of hunting." "You shoot animals?" "Yes... but do not be upset. It never endangers the population." "I guess that's good... What do you normally hunt?" "I hunt a variety of different game. Quail, deer, ducks... horses." "How awful!" "Ha ha! Kidding of course." "I'm not sure I like your sense of humor, ha ha." "I suppose that was a bit of a cheap shot. I apologize." "Ha ha, all right. No more of that, you!" "Ha ha! Agreed."
"So how did things go with Shelly?" "Ehh, good I suppose." "Good you suppose?" "Well you see, I creeped her out a bit at first. She told me her name and I said, 'I know.' " "Doh!" "Ha. Yes, an obvioius mistake, but she did not hold it against me. Very gracious of her." "Sweet. Kim and I really hit it off. I've got a date with her next weekend." "Is that who you went off to talk to instead of introducing me to Shelly?" "Yeah, ha ha!" "Scoundrel!" "Ha ha! I saw that she was by herself, so I wanted to catch her right then before some other dude started talking to her." "Ah, that is a reasonable excucse." "So what did you think of Shelly? You like her or what?" "Hm, well she was very nice. That is a good start. She loves animals and I hunt animals. A bit of a conflict there. She is definitely attractive. I am not sure. I suppose you could say I am interested, but I am not certain of the odds for my courting her." "I see. Well, one thing I can tell you is that even if you're not certain you want to pursue her, keep yourself in her view. If you decide you don't want to go after her once you've gotten to know her well enough, you can always back off. What you don't want is to not talk to her for a while and then decide you want to pursue her, only to find that she's with some other guy already." "Duely noted. Thank you, Brian." "No prob bob. I think it's time to crash." "I agree."
"What the heck were you doing at my party, DORK!?" "What anger!? I accompanied Brian!" "Brian, huh? I can't believe that guy puts up with you. He could be bagging so many chicks, but noooo he's gotta hang around you, Dorkus Maximus, with your crummy clothes and your stupid messenger bag. Listen up real good, short stack. If I see you at one of my parties again, or at any party for that matter, I'll knock you out, you hear? Knock--you--out. Consider yourself warned. Now get outta here!" "My next class is here." "Oh, well then get outta here, um, relatively speaking... I'm leaving." Ohhh my Goddddd. I cannot believe this place. Jeff is the biggest jerk at this school, yet everyone is in love with him. 'Ooooh look at Jon. He has unfavorable genes. Let's make fun of him!' How come honest, hard-working, genuine people always seem to get reemed? It does not make sense. This world is so messed up. I hate it. GOD, HOW I HATE IT.
"Sup Jon." "Hello Brian." "So, did you see Shelly at all today?" "No. I have no idea where to find her." "Ah, that's a problem." "I did get the honor of receiving a death threat from Jeff, however." "A death threat?!" "Well no, more of a beat-up threat." "Really? Why?" "He did not like that I was at his party. I suppose I am not pretty enough to be within 100 feet of him off-campus." "Eh, don't worry about it. He's all bark, no bite." "You are probably right." "I bet he'd need his parents to hire a hitman for him, that rich son of a gun." "Ha ha!" "Ahhh man. You got much homework tonight?" "It is a light homework night." "Awesome. Wadda ya say we kick it at my place? Maybe figure out a way for you to run into Shelly tomorrow. I assume you're still interested in her?" "Yes, I would appreciate that. Let's go."
"Okay, we're kicking it at my place. Now, let's figure out a way for you to run into Shelly tomorrow." "I would appreciate that. Let's go." "All righty. So, what do you know about her so far?" "Hm... the only distinguishing characteristic I am aware of is that she likes horses." "Aha! Perfect! There is a horseback riding club at school!" "I am not joining that club." "Ha! No no no, you wouldn't have to join it, you'd just need to know which classroom they meet in." "Oh, okay. I was about to say... I could help myself if I wanted testicular trauma; I would not need to ride a horse for that." "Ha ha, yeah for sure. Anyway, I'm pretty sure that the horse club meets every week because they're on the list of announcements every freakin' day. Hopefully they meet tomorrow." "I do not see why they would not; such a scenario would be inconvenient for the author of this story." "You raise a good point. We'll meet up at break tomorrow to find out the room number then." "Splendid. See you tomorrow." "See ya."
"Hey, short stack! Get a backpack, freak! You'll never get any chicks with that stupid messenger bag! You tryin' to be the mailman or something?" "Get away, Jeff." "You won't be able to get away from me after school, dork. But then again, I'm in a good mood today, so instead, I'll let you hold my books while I stand in line at the snack bar. Hm, actually I'm not in that good of a mood, so I'll let you hold my books and stand in line for me at the snack bar." "I will do no favors for the likes of you." "Ha! A fighter, eh? Well, you'll regret that after school. Later, dork." "Ugh." "Hey dude." "Hello Brian." "Something got you down?" "Yes, but I suppose I should be accustomed to being harassed by Jeff." "That guy again?" "Yes. He said he would rough me up after school because I refused to hold his books and stand in the lunch line for him." "Ah. Well, if you're worried that he'll actually follow through with his threat, you can get a ride home with me." "That sounds nice. I do not know if Jeff would actually do it, but I would like to avoid any kind of abuse, be it physical or verbal." "Whatever you want." "Thank you." "No prob man. All right, now let's get down to business. Did you check the announcements for the room number?" "Yes." "Good, 'cause I forgot to." "It's in 502." "Oh, good. Right in one of the main hallways. Now it won't look like you planted yourself there when you run into her." "Heh. The meeting should be over any time soon." "Sweet. I'll chill over here by the uh, trash can. Good luck man!" "Thank you." All right Jon, stay calm. The awkward part was passed at the party, so everything should be smooth from here. Wait, what am I supposed to say to her? "Hi Shelly! Just wanted to keep myself in your view to better my chances of courting you in the near future. Okay, bye!" I do not believe an invite to a hunting trip would go over too well. Blah. Perhaps I will just try to -- gah! The door is opening! Okay, just uh -- oh crap! There she is filing out of the room. Okay, I've got to get her attention without making a scene... um, well, I will just look at her and hopefully she will return the glance. Okay, come on, look over here. Come on... no! Come back! Wait! AGHH! That was awful! A complete failure. I cannot believe-- "Dude! What were you doing!? She was right there! Why'd you just stand there!?" "I did not know how to get her attention!" "Why didn't you just walk up to her?" "I tried using eye contact to get her to look at me." "Ugh. You've gotta be more assertive. You can't expect her to just happen to notice you." "Well I am not exactly a veteran when it comes to corraling young women as they walk out of club meetings." "This isn't that complicated. All you had to do was look up when she walked by you, say her name, and walk a few steps to catch up to her." "Well thank you for the advice now, coach." "Hey, look, I'm not helping you with this because I have to, I'm helping you because you're my friend. Now, if you don't want any help, just say so." "I apologize. I am just a little frustrated right now." "All right then. Dude I know you can do this. You just have to relax." "Relax. Okay. I will try to be more relaxed next time." "Good. I guess you'll just have to wait until next week to try again." "Yes. I will dwell on it all week. I will succeed next time." "Thatta kid."
"Hey dude. What'd you think of history class?" "History class? Oh, right. The class we just finished. I was there in body, but not in mind. I am so anxious about approaching Shelly." "Relax, man. Relax." "Relax, relax. Whew... deep breath." "You can do it. Nicorette can help." "What?" "Er. Yeah, too much TV." "Have you started smoking?" "No, of course not. My sister showed me why I shouldn't smoke." "Very well then. Oh, my goodness. I cannot believe I forgot. How was your date with Kim?" "Bleh. I hoped you wouldn't ask. It was pretty bad. Nothing that I did, it's just that she is such a spoiled brat. Too much of a diva for me. I get tired of that whole act really fast." "Ah, that is unfortunate." "Yeah, oh well. There are plenty of girls out there. That's not important right now though. What is important is you talking to Shelly." "I sure hope I am ready." "You'll do fine as long as you relax." "I hope you are right." "I am. Now remember, once you catch sight of her coming out of the room, look away, look up toward her, say her name, walk up to her, and BAM, you're good to go from there." "But what if she asks why I was just standing there?" "She won't. Just move right into conversation. Try to think of it like you're running into me by chance." "Hm, that may be a good way to look at it." "All right, good. Go with that." "Thank you for the help Brian. I really appreciate it." "Thank me after you talk to Shelly." "I will." "That's the spirit. Now get out there and have some conversation." All right Jon, you are ready. You know what to do. You just have to do it. Just relax. Relax. Relax. See her, look away, look at her, say her name, approach her. Relax. See her, look away, look at her, say her name, approach her. Relax. Relax. Relax. Whewww. Okay, the door is opening! Relax. Relax. Whew. Okay, see her... Look away... Look at her... "Shelly... er, Shelly. Shelly. Shelly!" What in the name of -- did she not hear me? I felt like I was practically-- "Jonnnnn, you had it! Why'd you stop?" "Stop? I never stopped. She must not have heard me." "How could she not hear you?" "I do not know! I felt like I was practically yelling her name." "You must have lost your voice from anxiety or something. Weren't you relaxed?" "I thought I was." "Gah. I dunno what to tell you man. You can't get with her if you literally can't talk to her." "I will definitely succeed next time." "You're gonna try this again? How many times will you try this before figuring out a better way to talk to her?" "As many as it takes." "All right then. I've told you everything I could though. You're on your own from here." "Wait, Brian, I do not know if I could do it without you there to help me." "Well Jon, I won't always be there to help you, so maybe this will be a good chance for you to succeed by your own power." "Fine then. I am hardened and determined to work myself into Shelly's graces. Rest assured, I will succeed." "More power to you."
"Brian residence." "Greetings. This is Jon. May I speak with Brian, please?" "One moment." "Hello?" "Brian, how was detention." "Super. How was not detention?" "You will not believe what my parents just gifted me with." "Oh yeah? What is it?" "I will show it to you tomorrow, but for now, here is a hint. I will be putting it to good use next hunting season." "Cool. I think I know what it is." "I doubt that." "Ha ha, okay. We'll see if I'm right tomorrow." "Indeed we will. See you tomorrow." "All right, see ya."
"Yeah, it didn't go so well." "Aw yeah, that's what Kim told me." "At least we agree on that, ha ha! She's just too much of a diva for me." "Ha ha, yeah, she can be that way. Sometimes it rubs off on me. I hate catching myself acting like that." "Yeah you just don't give off the diva aura. You seem much more down to earth." "I guess you could say that." "You don't like being called 'down to earth'?" "Well, I dunno. It depends. Some think that people who are down to earth are boring." "I don't think so. I'd prefer to be with a girl who is down to earth. I don't want someone who's going to expect me to be perfect, you know?" "Totally! Some people have these ridiculous expectations. And then when that person realizes that the expectations can't be met, they're crushed." "Exactly. I don't wanna have to deal with a girl who is broken simply because her expectations are way too high." "Yeah! It's just a bunch of unnecessary drama." "Yep. Speaking of unnecessary drama, I can't believe you actually watch The Real Deal. That show is so ridiculous!" "Ha ha! You know, I really only watch it so I can have something to talk about with Kim. We really don't have much in common." "Really?" Ughhhh! I cannot believe how poorly I performed on the algebra exam. If I had not been so preoccupied with trying to talk to Shelly... Darn it! No matter. I will ace the next algebra quiz to get myself back on track, and I will still manage to talk to Shelly! Next time, I will test my voice beforehand to make sure that -- wait a minute. Is that Brian and... "Shelly?" "Oh! Hi Jon!" "Jon! What's up buddy?" "Hello... um, nothing, I was just going to my locker." "Cool. Yeah I was going to my locker too when I ran into Shelly here. How'd you do on that algebra test?" "Not so well." "Are you the friend of Brian's who is in advanced algebra?" "Heh, yes, I am." "Ohhh okay. I should have known." "Why is that?" "Look, Jon, Shelly's gotta be at a tutoring session, so we should probably let her get going." "Oh, okay." "Bye Shelly! I'll see you later!" "Great! Bye Brian! Bye Jon!" "Goodbye, Shelly." "What were you doing talking to Shelly, huh? I thought I was the one trying to court her!" "Look man, you had your chances, and you blew it. Shelly is a great girl, I realize that now more than ever. I sat back and let you try to snag her, but you failed. You couldn't even talk to her. I told you exactly how to start a conversation with her, but you couldn't do it." "But I would have eventually!" "Dude, if you couldn't even handle talking to her, how did you expect to be able to handle being her boyfriend, huh? "I could manage it." "How? By calling me and aksing what to say everytime you got stuck? Come on! You're nowhere near ready to handle a girl!" "Then why did you coax me so far into trying to court Shelly?!" "Look. At the time, I was interested in Kim. I wasn't impressed with Shelly. But then on my date with Kim, she wouldn't shut up about how she's trying to mold Shelly into being just like her. How Shelly is too nice and too down to earth. The more Kim kept talking about Shelly, the more I realized how perfect she is for me. Even after I knew that Shelly was the one to go after, I still let you try to wiggle your way into her life, but you failed. You missed your shot, and now I'm taking mine." "I thought you said there were 'plenty of girls out there.' Why then did you have to choose my girl as your next target!?" "There are plenty of girls out there, but not plenty of Shellys. Besides, that's just something you say to yourself to cheer yourself up. Don't take it so seriously." "Gah! I have had enough of you!" "Whatever dude. You can chill out by yourself. Don't talk to me about this until you've given it some good honest thought." "Do not talk to me about good honest thought." "Good, I don't want to. Later." Of all the nerve! I cannot believe this! My best friend, whom I had trusted like no one else, has betrayed me over a girl! Unthinkable! What is wrong with this world! Can no one be trusted? Can there be no trust between the closest of friends? Is trust so fragile that it can be shattered in an instant by a fleeting desire after all the years spent building it up? This is unfathomable! To think that-- "Hey shortstack! What's the matter? Did your boyfriend just break up with you?" "Please, Jeff. I am in no mood to be mocked." "And I'm in no mood to wait in line for lunch. Should I tell you to do it for me, or should I save you the trouble of saying you won't do it?" "You do not need to save me from anything." "Oh-ho really!? Well then I won't save you from a terribly painful beat-down after school, ha ha! Until then, Mr. mailman-messenger bag freak! God I hate that stupid thing." So you hate my messenger bag, do you? Well, I cannot blame you, considering the action I am about to take against you. If I had a regular backpack, I would not be able to do this... Jon's revenge would have been perfect. He had the quick-draw maneuver down and everything. If only he'd been trained to shoot a handgun. He had only shot a rifle before. He had no idea how to handle that pistol. This became clear when he fired at Jeff and missed. He did hit someone though: the hall monitor, Mrs. Panderson. Good ol' Mrs. Panderson. At least now she doesn't have to work off a debt for the rest of her life. Fancy that, something was finally done. = = = = Wow, kids. Wow. Give me a hand for the job I did crafting this fine piece of literary work. Thank you. Thank you. Okay that's enough. Well, children, there is a lot that we can learn from this story. Let's see here. Always remember to relax/act natural/stay calm. Never cheat on your taxes. Don't betray your friends. I'm just going off the top of my head here. No particular order with these. What else? Always be on time. Never shoot a gun unless you know the right way to do it. Hm... never say 'I know' when someone gives you their name. I'm sure there are plenty of others that could be pointed out, and maybe you've learned something from this story that I didn't mention. If so, all the better. Either way, just take what you got from this story, and use it to better yourself in as many ways as possible.
© 2006 Pflanzenfaser