Introducing a story so rich, so full of emotion, so downright human...if you don't cry during this story, you must stop to question the acuity of your sense of humanity. This story is not your typical story -- it is much less than that. But from that humility is derived the spirit of an underdog. An underdog that is so repressed, so suppressed, so oppressed that no one with a heart can side opposingly. This story -- surely one of the most widely become to known -- is a tale of lost and found love forever, discovery of self whole, and sentences incoherent. Do not attempt to connect the dots based on this paragraph, for it was merely a ploy by the author designed to warm himself up and to waste the reader's time.
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"OH, I'M SO EXCITED!" said Carol. "OUR FIRST AUTOMOTIVE PURCHASE INDEPENDENT OF PARENTAL FUNDING!" "I KNOW, BABY! IT'S GONNA BE GREAT!" said Howard. "FIRST THING WE'RE GOING TO DO WHEN WE GET IT IS ORDER LUNCH VIA DRIVE-THROUGH SERVICE AT HOT POX!" "OH, HOWARD! YOU'RE SUCH A ROMANTIC!" "WELL, I DO WHAT I CAN TO KEEP YOU HAPPY, BABY!" "AW, HOWARD YOU'RE THE BEST!" Just two years into his marriage and already Howard Kourpantine had forgotten his anniversary. What a hoser! What ever shall he do? "I THINK I WANT RED, OR MAYBE BLUE, OR AQUAMANILLA!!!!" "YOU CAN HAVE ANY OR ALL OF THE FLAVORS YOU WANT ON YOUR NEW CAR, BABY!" "I'M JUST SO DANG EXCITED I COULD JUST SAY DANG JUST ABOUT TWENTY DANG TIMES! MINUS 18! I MEAN 17!" "CALM DOWN, BABY! YOU'RE STARTING TO SCARE ME!" "I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'D BUY US A CAR! HOW CAN WE EVEN AFFORD THAT!?" "DON'T ASK QUESTIONS, BABY! JUST PICK OUT THE CAR!" "I DON'T KNOW IF I'LL EVER BE ABLE TO CHOOSE! I'M GOING TO WANT THEM ALL!" The lovebirds parked their go-ped and walked into the car dealership. "WOW, WHAT A NICE PLACE!" "Baby, you're still yelling. You can stop now." "Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just so excited! When can I start choosing?" "Well, I have to wee-wee, so why don't you have a look around here until I get back?" "Okay!" Carol couldn't have been more excited about getting a new car. She was walking on cloud nine. "I want this one and this one and this one and this one and -- oh! This one!" thought Carol. "Can I help you with something, ma'am?" asked a voice from Carol's 5:28:34. "Oh, thank God! I was about to have a heart attack from the sight of all these beautiful cars!" "Ha, well, this is quite the gaggle of automobiles we have here now isn't it? Ha ha! Name's Slick Trickstien, lieutenant junior colonel salesman. And you are?" "Carol. Carol Kourpantine. I'm getting my first new car ever! I'm so excited!" "Ha, well Carol Kourpantine, can I coax you into quaffing a cold cup of coffee to calm your corpus?" "Oh my! Your alliteration and contrived mannerism have persuaded me to deal through you so that you get the sales commission from the car I'm going to buy." "Hey baby, see anything you like?" "Oh! There you are, honey! Well, I was just browsing the showroom and Slick here offered me a cold beverage." "Oh, how nice! Well, Slick, I'm Howard Kourpantine, Carol's husband, and we're here to buy us our first car." "It's a pleasure to meet you, fool. Now, believe me when I talk. You couldn't have come to a better place to buy your first car. We've got customer service awards up the high-rise." "Huh?" "We've got customer service awards off the suspension bridge." "Uh, I'm not sure what you mea--" "We've got enough customer service awards to feed Africa twice." "I still don't understa--" "Come with me, kids." The happily confused couple followed Mr. Trickstien outside to the general lot of cars. "Now this one," said Slick, "is a beauty of a car at a beauty of a price. Check out the specs. It's got a 4.8-liter DOHC (4 cam) 360-hp 32-valve V-8 engine with Valvetronic technology, aluminum block and cylinder heads, direct ignition system with knock control, and a whole lasso of other fixin's I don't care to recite."
"What do you think, baby?" "It looks nice!" "Would you kids like to take it for a test drive?" "I think that's a good idea." "Ooo! Can I drive it!?" "Of course you can, baby. You can drive it first." "Yay!" The three characters hopped into the car and took it for a spin. It was a good spin, but not quite what Carol and Howard were looking for. "Well Slick, what else ya got?" asked Howard. "Hm, let me think. Ah, I've got one that I think you'll like. Walk with me." They walk. "Now this, this is even more of a beauty with an even more beautiful price. Now, before you talk, let me just say, I know what you're thinking. 'It's more expensive than the last one, so how can the price be more beautiful?' Well folks, let me tell ya a little somethin' about the beauty-per-dollar ratio. The ratio is different for every single car ever made. Now, if this here auto were to be priced according to the same beauty-per-dollar ratio as the one we just test drove, the price would be at least double. Enough of my gobbldeegook though. Let's get you acquainted with this car. It has a 5.5-liter 36-valve v-12 engine that produces 493 hp @ 5,000 rpm."
"Ooooh, that sounds exciting! Let's try it out!" Once again, the whole gang climed in and went for a spin. This time, the spin was better, but there was still something missing. "Wow Slick, that was amazing!" exclaimed Howard. "But...I don't know. It's just not quite enough." "Yes, I agree with my husband. I don't know what it is, but something is definitely lacking." "Hmm. I've seen this before. I know just what you kids need. Come, I will lead you to paradise." They walk. "Here it is, kids. This is the one you want, right here."
"Holy shart sandwich," the kids said in unison. Howard continued, "Slick, my friend, now THIS is what I'm talking about." "I'm so captivated, I don't think I even need to take it for a spin. Let's just sign the papers now," said a stunned Carol. "Howard, is that okay with you?" asked Slick. "She's right. Let's get those papers out of the way lickedy-split! Chop-chop! Gung-ho! Mish-mash!" "Okay, you were fine with 'chop-chop,' but 'gung-ho' ju--" "Pish-posh!" "No, no that doe--" "Flim-flam! Wigwam! Hong-kong!" ... ... ... "Okay so the papers are insi--" "Ding-dong." "Do you want the car or not?" "Yes." "Very well then. Let's get to that paperwork." The big three returned to the showroom to fill out that paperwork. Howard and Carol were so happy to be getting such a luxurious automobile as the one they were about to drive away. "You gonna eat that last chicken strip, baby?" "No, I'm full. You can have it." "Okay kids, we've finally reached the finish line. I just need one last signature here and the car is officially yours!" "Sign away Howard!" "This is for you, baby. Muah!" Howard put his final John Hancock on the paperwork, and Slick handed him the keys. "Now you kids go on and enjoy that sexy hunk a metal, ya hear?" "We hear. Thanks for all the help Slick. We couldn't be happier with our buying experience," said Howard. "That's right, Mr. Trickstien. Next time we buy a new car, we're comin' a right back here!" "Well, it has been my pleasure to serve you. Ya'll have a wonderful evening." "You too, Slick." The couple left the dealership hand in hand, anxious to drive off in their brand new automobile. Boy, Howard really dodged a bullet on that one, eh? "Well baby, I bought this car for you, so you get to be the first to drive it." "Oh Howard. I just...I just couldn't be happier right now. I just love you so much!" "I love you too, baby. Now come on, let's see what this beast can do!" "All right!" Carol slipped into the ergonomically correct bucket-style driver's seat and Howard sat shotgun. Carol slowly slipped the key into the ignition and turned that mo-fo with a passion. The engine roared like a lion, or perhaps a tiger. Maybe a gorilla. Chills ran up and down the spine of each of the car's occupants. Carol pushed in the clutch, got a feel for the gearshift, and slowly made her way to the parking lot exit. She turned right onto the main road leading to Hot Pox and accelerated in front of the welcoming green light of the busy intersection upon her. "This car feels great!" said Carol. What doesn't feel so great is getting T-boned by an 18-wheeler going 60 mph. Needless to say, both Carol and Howard were killed instantly by the collision. I guess that's one way to die happy.
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Well children, let that be a lesson to ya. Don't you ever lose hope in finding happiness. Your life can be a complete mess -- marital troubles, dependence on a go-ped for transportation at the of age of 20 or above, hoarse voice -- but in a matter of minutes, you and your spouse can find ultimate happiness by purchasing a sickeningly expensive car with money you lie about having and getting run over by a semi-truck.
© 2006 Pflanzenfaser