Behold, the next phenomenon in body fragrance products for men: CHOP body spray.
Unlike AXE, CHOP body spray not only features fragrance names that tell you exactly what you're getting, but it also features on-can artwork that doesn't just look like a Windows Media Player visualization, it is a Windows Media Player visualization. We at CHOP body spray know that the only reason you're using our product is to get chicks, and we respect that. That's why we've conjured up eight different fragrances to best suit your bird-dogging needs. No matter who you are, CHOP body spray has a fragrance that is right for you, and we're not just saying that. I mean come on, eight is a generous estimate as to how many different types of men there are out there. If you can't find a fragrance from CHOP that doesn't suit you, you're probably asexual.
Most men fall into this category. It's a well-known fact that women go for assholes, because women love the push-pull game. You push her away, then reel her back in, and she falls for it every time. Why she puts up with it is a mystery that has baffled men for years. However, for the case in which she actually grows a brain and decides she's sick of the push-pull and just wants to be with someone, you have CHOP body spray's Classic Asshole fragrance. Formulated just for those moments when your naive girl is nearing the threshold of mature womanhood, the molecules in the Classic Asshole fragrance will go straight to the common sense area of your girl's brain when it is being used too much and, ahem, neutralize those cells until she doesn't care enough. She won't know that though; she'll just think she's getting a good whiff of your "irresistable charm."
Let's face it. Some men have it. Some men don't. Unfortunately, sometimes the men who do have it don't have it to go along with it. Yep, moolah. This fragrance is for the man who spent all his early years building up his reputation as a badass in order to attract females, but then realized after it was too late that his badass reputation won't earn him a badass paycheck. With CHOP body spray's Badass With No Money fragrance, you don't need that badass paycheck to keep your girl, because this fragrance has a hint of that crisp new one-hundred dollar bill scent, which never fails to renew your girl's faith that, "Yes, soon he'll hit it big. Soon. I know it because I can smell it."
"Hey baby." "What's your name, pretty lady?" "What's cookin' good lookin'?" These phrases are all typical calling cards for the smooth talkin' son of a bitch. No other type of man angers other men so much as the STSOB. Every other guy knows that he's just being a smooth talkin' son of a bitch, and every other guy knows that he's going to get the girl because of it. Every other guy also knows that being a smooth talkin' son of a bitch can only work so long on a single girl. That's why we at CHOP body spray have developed a fragrance especially for the smooth talkin' son of a bitch. When your girl numbs to the sweet goodness of your suave words, just throw on some of CHOP's Smooth Talkin' Son of a Bitch fragrance. This fragrance's hint of butterscotch candy scent is sure to keep your girl coming back for more of your sweet-as-honey verbalizations.
We've covered all of the "just in it for the sex" types of men, so now we move on to the more sensivite men, the men who care... perhaps too much. They care so much that they do special things for their girl, like remember her birthday, give hand-made gifts, put the toilet seat down after taking a piss, and write bad poetry. These are the men whom we at CHOP body spray had in mind when we specially formulated the Bad Poet fragrance. Simply spray a bit on yourself, and suddenly you'll be endowed with a rich British accent. Stand in awe as everything you say and do becomes more sophisticated. Now even your "Grade D but edible" poetry is like a juicy sirloin hot off the grill. With the Bad Poet fragrance, your girl can't help but ask for seconds.
For the man who has given up on getting some the hard way. We at CHOP body spray know how tough the competition can be these days, so for those who are willing to stoop to new lows, we've created the Serial Killer fragrance. With enough peroxide to kill a horse, your vic--I mean girl--is sure to "fall" for you with just a few sprays in the right place. This fragrance, also known as "con-scent," is sure to give you the help you need to "bag" that special girl. She won't know what "hit" her.
The only Windows Media Player visualization name that isn't completely asinine. I mean, "Spider's Last Moment"? "Dance of the Freaky Circles"? Come on.
They're smart, they're annoying, they're probably making more money than you. They are the know-it-alls, and if the big paycheck isn't there, what girl in her right mind is going to put up with one of them? The answer is that no girl in her right mind will put up with one of them. That's why we at CHOP body spray have created the Know-It-All fragrance to put your girl out of her right mind. She didn't have much brains to begin with, but with the Know-It-All fragrance's patented "kick-in-the-head" formula, she'll be nothing short of a vegetable.
Are you consistently getting in on the hot new fad just a bit too late? Got a perm in '92? Bought neon spandex in '03? Jean jacket just last week? Well those days are over, thanks to the Wannabe fragrance from CHOP body spray. Each can is packed full of today's hot trends. Buy one and try it today, and you're likely to start C-walking out of nowhere. The beauty of it is that each can you buy is up to date. We at CHOP body spray are constantly following the trend train to see what's coming up, so you'll never be left out in the cultural cold.
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"The Axe Effect is the internationally recognized name for the increased attention axe-wearing males receive from eager, and attractive, female pursuers." ~www.theaxeeffect.com/aboutaxe.html
Translation: Axe will raise your chances of banging a slutty ho-bag. Sign me up.
© 2006 Pflanzenfaser