This is a small homework assignment I turned in for my 100-level writing class.
My response to the 2003 edition of "crimes reported by SDSU Police Department" is to modify my entire strategy on security and well-being. I have calibrated these modifications based on the rank of each category of crime (on the SDSU campus only). First place goes to "Motor Vehicle Theft" with 154 reports. Second place goes to "Burglary" with 23 reports. Third place goes to "Forcible Sex Offenses" with 11 reports. Fourth place goes to both "Aggravated Assault" and "Robbery," each with 8 reports. Sixth place goes to "Arson" with 2 reports. Seventh place goes to "Non-Forcible Sex Offenses," "Murder" and "Manslaughter," all with 0 reports.
To counter the ever-increasing threat of having my car stolen, I've made a habit of parking my car on the top level of the parking structure where I can see it from my dorm room window. I'm not always in my room, perched and waiting to yell at any would-be thieves though. To compensate, I've installed a nifty little security system. First, I've installed a voice recognition system. Before the car will start, a button must be pushed and a secret password uttered. Without the password, the key will not turn in the ignition. If someone steals my car key with the intention of stealing my car and doesn't give the correct password within three tries, the car will blow up. Second, I've installed a wire sensor incase someone tries to hot-wire my car. Once the would-be thief cuts all the appropriate wires to begin the hot-wiring, the car will blow up.
The easiest way to prevent burglary is to simply lock one's door. Sometimes that just isn't enough though. For those special instances when a deadbolt alone won't do the job, I've rigged up my dorm room with a voice recognition system similar to the one in my car. The password must be said by either me or my roommate. As with the car, the secret password must be uttered within three tries. If not, paralyzing nerve gas will be released from beneath the beds.
Being a guy, I am not at nearly as much risk as is a girl for being a victim of forced sexual offenses. You can never be too safe though, which is why I've equipped myself with a retractable blade down there. The blade is controlled by my brain, as I've rigged it up with my nervous system. It's like how Wolverine from X-Men uses his claws.
It works out nicely that aggravated assault and robbery would be tied, since they both occur under the same circumstances. This has allowed me to knock out two birds with one stone. If anyone approaches me with the wrong intentions, all I have to do is whip out my can of stinko-spray and give that walking scum a good up and down. That'll have 'em smelling rotten for a month.
According to the statistics, arson is a rare crime on the SDSU campus. However, that doesn't mean some wacko won't try to blow up PS6 tomorrow. There's no need to worry though, not since I've taken the liberty of transplanting a few canine tissues into my nasal system. Now I can smell all types of explosive materials from one hundred yards away. With this ability, I can easily track and capture anyone with explosive materials on person and turn them over to the proper authorities.
Since all of the seventh place offenses had 0 reports, I have done nothing to try to prevent these offenses.
These measures will work to discourage would-be offenders of all types of crimes. I encourage all others to take similar measures so that one day this campus may be free of crime.
© 2005 Pflanzenfaser