Dumb parody of the famous soliloquy from Shakespeare's "Hamlet." I turned this in for extra credit.
To poop or not to poop: that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the butt to suffer The cramps and prairie dogs of outrageous bean burritos, Or to fight against a wall of constipation And by taking Peptobismal, end it? To poop: to be relieved; No more; and, by relief we say to end The butt-ache and the thousand natural turtle-heads That poop is heir to, 'tis an elimination Devoutly to be wished. To poop, to be relieved; To be relieved; perchance to relax: ay, there's the Preparation H; For in that relief from poop what dryness may come When we have wiped off this cliffhanger, Must give us comfort. There's the reason That makes the craps of life so long; For who would bear the squirts and wipes of time, The 30 ounce steaks, the fresh Gouda cheese, The pains of double chili burgers, the colon's delay, The sanity of toilets, and the burning sensation that salsa lovers endure, When he might set himself free With some Peptobismal? Who would bear constipation, To grunt and sweat on a weary butt, But that the dread of something after unloading, The undiscovered state of burning from which No traveler returns, puzzles the will, And makes us rather bear the cork we have Than to poop and experiences the unknown? Thus Peptobismal does make cowards of us all; And thus the normal aches and cramps Are melted away by the pink cherry goodness And runs of thin consistency and texture Because of this are no longer a hardship, And never lead to a chaffing butt. Soft you now! The fair Turd! Brown beauty, in your journey Be all my sphincter remember'd.
© 2004 Pflanzenfaser