(2002)

review by:

6-01-04

Written and Directed by: John Lechago Starring: Vinnie Bilancio, Melissa Pursley With: Julie Strain

A crime scene photographer sees something fishy on the two newest victims of a serial killer. He gets caught up in the investigation, and begins believing that this is the work of small, invisible creatures... Blood Gnome. How can you possibly go wrong with a movie called Blood Gnome. Instantly attracted to the cover, we picked it up and saw the ever-awesome Julie Strain's picture on the back (though we knew she'd only be in it for three seconds). Needless to say, there was pretty much nothing that could be done to keep GameSlave and me from watching this movie. And for the first time in...forever, we weren't disappointed. Blood Gnome could have been like any of the other crap we've watched lately. The box cover, save for the title and Julie's picture, suggests this movie be placed with S.I.C.K. and Sasquatch on the "Horribly Inane and Insulting to the Intelligence of Preschoolers" shelf. And once the first frames of digital film passed the screen, we thought we'd made another horrible, horrible mistake. But I guess Satan's on vacation because, dammit, Blood Gnome kicks about two and a half asses. It was about 15 minutes into the film that I noticed I hadn't tried clawing my eyes out, or stuck unpleasant things in my ears. Upon closer inspection of the film I realized that, for a digital movie about little creatures killing S&M enthusiasts, there was actually some production value. First of all, there's light! Unlike the aforementioned S.I.C.K., from which my IQ barely escaped alive, one can actually see what's happening in every scene of Blood Gnome. And then there was the sound. There was no annoying buzz so common in crappy digital flicks, and the music was, for once, under the level of the dialogue. I almost peed! The acting was also impressive. Well, for a B-movie. The dialogue seemed to flow naturally, like it had actually been read before the actors arrived on set. It seemed like they actually wanted to be there, rather than showing up simply for the free Tang and a chance to show off their breasts (though pretty much everyone in this film does). Blood Gnome's got everything: killer gnomes, gratuitous breasts, a mean slimy thing in a box, and refreshingly cheesy special effects. Plus, the main character is so incredibly dorky that one can't help but love him. This is what B-movies should be, but rarely what they achieve. If you're looking for some blood-soaked, nipply fun, watch Blood Gnome. And then torch a copy of S.I.C.K. while taking off your shirt and drinking some Tang. Repeat.

Rating