(2002)

review by:

1-17-04

Written by: Brian Mammett, Jeff Rank, Paul Joshua Rubin Directed by: Paul Joshua Rubin Starring: David Keith, Simmone Mackinnon, Mark Sheppard

A plan to avert global disaster by closing a rift near the polar ice caps turns deadly for the crew of the Hubris, an underwater research complex. A team is sent in to investigate, and the horror commences. I guess. Ok, look at the cover for this movie. A huge sea monster coming for some scuba divers...the very thought of it makes me pee. Crap, there I go again. The amount of scare potential this movie had was ridiculous, especially since I'm deathly afraid of anything bigger than a hamburger swimming around in the ocean. Well, the only peeing done to Deep Schlock, I mean, Deep Shock was while laughing at the incredibly stupid design of the man-sized electric eel things meant to be scary. They looked...like ass, but less freaky. Apparently, these things are supposed to be aliens preparing earth for colonization. Or something. It's not like any of us could tell what was going on, since the sound effects and music were louder than the dialogue, for which there was no subtitle feature. It was hopeless. We were able to determine, though, that these eel things can kill you through your brain waves (we think). Also, Quicktime apparently serves as an alien eel-speak translator. Yup, Dr. Anne Fletcher, our heroine, manages to not only decode eel language, but ends up pretty much IM'ing them back and forth. Yes, it is as stupid as it sounds. Things we learned from Deep Shock: 1) Your entire crew can be killed by a massive electrical attack, but your computers and electrical fuses will be left unscathed. 2) If you ever encounter murderous electric eels, play their noises backward and they will go away. 3) On research facility computers, "losing" is spelled with an extra "o." You know, because they're smarter. 4) Quicktime actually can save the world. 5) The UN holds session in a playhall, and the conference room is in a gym. And 6) Although there are only 3 sets in the whole film, we viewers are so stupid we need to be reminded where we are every time the scene changes. Goddam this movie is bad. And not entertaining-because-it-can-be-ridiculed bad...just bad. I think the only reason we finished it was because we'd already turned off Leprechaun in the Hood, crippling our six-movie marathon. It gets a "Bad" and not a "Horrible" simply because I didn't try to gouge my eyes out...but for the love of all holy crap, pass on this movie.

AKA: Deep Shit

Rating



Comments

From: Hammer Rating: Horrible This was one of the crappiest movies i think i have ever seen. I was sucked in with that cover, what a f_cking tease! Those alien creatures you were talking about, they look like a cartoon rendition of the Loc Nes Monster. And who ever mixed the sound, just needs to die, horribly!