(2002)

review by:

3-25-03

Written by: William Shatner Directed by: William Shatner Starring: William Shatner, Amy Acker, Dick Van Patten

A woman with terminal cancer and her boyfriend spend their last days together on a desert vacation, only to become involved in an Air Force colonel’s “humanitarian” efforts to help an alien escape from military exploitation, angry mobs, and bad acting. Being a Star Trek fan, I have only the highest respect for William Shatner, within the context of Star Trek, that is. Outside of that context, I would be the first to admit that even the chimp from MVP: Most Valuable Primate has a better acting career than Shatner. And yet, Shatner just happens to be the best actor in this film. How is that possible, you ask? It’s not so much that Shatner acts better than everyone else so much as everyone else somehow manages to act worse than he does (I’m sure that wasn’t planned or anything). No doubt somewhere in Asia there is a child working in a sweatshop who made more money today than what the budget of this movie was. There also must have been a celluloid shortage as the stock footage ran quite rampantly throughout. Add all this on top of an uninspired, convoluted plot with below-average special effects and you have one sci-fi film that ought to be lost in space. If you’ve seen one Area 51 movie…well, you have my condolences. This movie does manage to break away from the stereotypical Roswell Grey alien that always appears in such movies; this time it’s some form of living gas that flies around in a giant jellyfish and has the amazing power to make old men glow and steal cow pussies. It is here that we get to taste the fruits of Shatner’s imaginative capacities and they are hard to swallow indeed. Somehow Shatner takes Einstein’s theory of relativity, wipes his ass with it, and uses the end result to try and explain how gaseous life forms “expand” their way across the universe. At one point there is an exchange between cancer-chick and the alien in what we’re sure will lead to her being cured, but she winds up dying in the end anyway. Oh, but don’t feel too bad, as we’re assured that her “essence” will live on--not her soul mind you, her essence. I'm so glad that Shatner could clear up that distinction for us. Set phasers to “pass” on this one.

AKA: Lake Flaccid          Vague Encounters of A Turd Kind

Rating



Comment

From: Borg Queen Rating: Bad While I agree with your opinion of the movie, Gameslave, I must say that I am disappointed that you did not mention the two characters who I felt deserve awards for their performances. I am of course referring to the 'King of the Rednecks,' whose demonstration with the balloon condom and snake left me speechless, and the 'Asian Cowboy Lesbian Rapist,' who I felt needed way more screen time. Other than that it was a complete, worthless piece of crap. I say since Kirk died, Shatner doesn't have a reason left to live, and he should be drug out into the street and shot.