(2003)

review by:

11-22-03

Written by: Chris Burdick Directed by: Jon Keeyes Starring: Stephen Cloud, Brandy Little, Amy Morris

A group of college coeds gather at an abandoned warehouse to host their annual haunted house. But when a mysterious jack-o-lantern is left on their doorstep, everyone starts turning into whatever their costume resembles. It's zombies, vampires, ghouls, and pirates, all wrapped in a soap opera tortilla. Now that's a spicy meat-a-ball! If only it tasted as good as it sounded. Here at Phantom Films, we hold all movies with zombies in high esteem, but a movie with zombies and pirates?! Surely this had to be a cinematic gem of biblical proportions. Unfortunately, as is true of most straight-to- video fare, Hallow's End fell far short of our expectations. The movie suffered the most in two areas, the first being its slow pacing. There are several scenes that could have been shortened or cut entirely without affecting the main plot (which is interesting since there's already a deleted scenes section on the DVD). The tour scene is a good example of this. The movie actually takes us through the whole thing, which is guided mind you, so we must sit through the spiel for each room. This might have worked had there been some murders cut in along the way, but it's just one big guided tour scene. I got the impression that the crew put a lot of effort into building their sets and just didn't have the heart to let any of them go unused. The movie's other shortcoming was its romantic sub-plot that was way too overly dramatic for a horror movie. I know I don't speak for everyone, but wading through the trials and tribulations of a heterosexual/homosexual love triangle is not what I look for when I'm in the mood for zombie-on-pirate action. Unless, of course, the zombies and pirates are involved in that love triangle... Aside from those two things, the movie is pretty decent for what it is. Production-wise, the movie is really average, without anything exceptionally good or bad about any of it, except for one scene. The second scene of the movie takes place outside the warehouse and introduces us to each of the characters as they arrive. What is so great about this scene is that it's about ten minutes long without a single cut. Now, Honumon, Borg Queen, and I have been dabbling in the cinematic arts for about a year now (the fruits of which will be coming soon to a website near you), and we have first-hand experience at how difficult just a one minute shot can be with only one actor and without even moving the camera. This scene had about 20 actors and the camera moved all over. If any of you from the Hallow's End production crew are reading this, I tip my hat to you. So, if it's Halloween and you find yourself looking for an appropriate movie to watch but can't stand to rent any of the big-name franchises because you've seen each of them 157 times, then you need to get a life. Otherwise, consider giving this one a try. After all, you can't deny the satisfaction of seeing a total asshole get gutted by a pirate's hook. Short as the scene is, it just doesn't get any better than that.

AKA: Queer Eye for the Dead Gal          Knott's Scary Farm Training Video #37: What To Do When Your Costume Possesses You

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