(2001)

review by:

6-4-03

Written by: Jefery Levy, Michael Brandt, Derek Haas Directed by: Jefery Levy Starring: Billy Zane, David Field, Tory Kittles

Stop me if you've heard this one before. A group of evil supernatural beings, known as the Shadowmen, threaten to unleash an ancient power that will destroy the world. Thus, it is up to the mystic warrior Os to train the four hyper-humans to use their powers of fire, water, air, metal, and babies, er, I mean love, to save the world from destruction. And boredom ensues. This is it folks. This movie is the very definition of Matrix rip-off, and while it was at it, it decided to rip-off Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and Mortal Kombat at the same time, leaving us with a steaming pile of all the crap that those three movies left behind. This movie had to have been written by high school sophomores since it has one of the absolute worst scripts I have ever heard. Os's (Billy Zane) witty nonchalance is no doubt intended to come off as brazen and comedic, but is in fact nothing short of being just plain annoying. Though, it wouldn't be surprising if all of Billy's lines were ad-libbed and his attitude is merely the reflection of his actual hatred for being in this movie. With the exception of the opening fight (which they must have blown their entire budget on), the action sequences are pedestrian and poorly executed, relying too heavily on strobe lights and bad wire effects to attempt to make up for their lack of decent choreography. While I would never say that movies require swear words, this is one movie that definitely suffers from not having any at all, often giving this movie the feeling of a bad Captain Planet episode (as opposed to a good one?). And speaking of such, this movie probably could have been wrapped up in a single 30-minute episode if it weren't for some of the needlessly lengthy scenes and aggravatingly repetitive dialogue sequences. If you ever see this movie for rent in your local video store, do yourself and everyone else a favor by putting it someplace where no one's sure to ever find it, say perhaps, behind the Carrot Top movie. Then go rent Equilibrium instead.

AKA: Intolerable          How to Lose an Audience in 10 Minutes

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Secondary Review

review by:

6-4-03

A movie has come along that has dethroned Eraserhead as being the worst movie I've ever seen, and that movie is Invincible. The story revolves around a group of ancient, immortal beings called Shadowmen who got stuck on Earth. The Bad Guy(TM), who cares what his name is, wants to bring about the end of the world. Billy Zane, a Shadowman who was shown the "power of love" by some kind of angelic, woman swordfighter, must train a group of people to save the world. So, what do you get? Take a cup of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Add a scoop of The Matrix. Blend with some Wire-Fu. Add a good ol' helping of "Love is the answer" and you got this film. This was obviously a paycheck role for Billy Zane. He delivered his lines like a guy who had read the script a month ago and then was trying to recall what he was supposed to say. The actors for the four warriors (each corresponding to one of the four elements.....original!!) were utterly forgettable, and everyone else was pretty much trying their best to make the dialogue sound SOMEWHAT natural. The special effects...I guess maybe I should go easier on it since it's a made-for-TV movie, but those sorry excuse for fight scenes make me cringe. There's maybe a minute or two of decent sword fighting, and the rest is covered up by some weird ambient strobe light and shoddy editing, although I did find it kind of amusing when Billy Zane and The Bad Guy were dueling to the death with....compact discs. I suppose they needed to get in the obligatory dance club scene somewhere. Oh yes, and if you thought that the rave scene in The Matrix Reloaded went on too long, well, it utterly pales in comparison to the "dream" sequence in this movie. In order to test the warriors, The Bad Guy enters their minds and "tempts" them to the dark side. While this is happening with lots of spacey music playing and "cool" camera effects, it is intercut with Billy Zane and The Bad Guy lounging around in the training area, casually talking about good vs. evil. It goes like this: Billy Zane: "Good is better, you should be good, because love is way better" The Bad Guy: "No, I don't think so" Billy Zane: "Oh c'mon, man! Trust me on this! Being good is better than being evil" The Bad Guy: "No, I won't take your word for it." And so forth. Does this dream sequence last 10 minutes? 20 minutes? I don't know, but it JUST KEPT GOING. So, in conclusion, I hate Invincible. I hate everything about it. At least, AT LEAST Eraserhead had a chicken that spewed black stuff. There was no such chicken in Invincible. The movie is beyond redemption.

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