(1966)

review by:

6-12-04

Written and Directed by: Hal Warren Starring: Hal Warren, Diane Mahree, John Reynolds

Manos: The Hands of Fate, regarded by many as the worst movie ever made, definitely lives up to its name. Before I go any further I have to mention that I watched the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version of the movie. I have attempted to watch the original cut in the past, but deemed it too unbearable. The slogan of the "movie" is, "It's Shocking!" Indeed, it is definitely shocking; I almost died from the amount of shock sustained from this terrible piece of trash cinema. "Mangos: Cans of Fruit," as the crew working on this movie called it, was solely funded, written, directed, produced, and starred in by none other than Hal Warren. Never heard of him? Figures, he was a fertilizer salesmen in El Paso, Texas in the 60's. He had a dream. A dream to spend his life savings on a horror-ible movie. After a humiliating one-time screening in El Paso, three of the stars committed suicide. A few years ago I was tempted to visit Mr. Warren in Texas and slap a DVD copy of Citizen Kane across his face but found out he was killed by some guy named "can-sir." Usually when talking about a very bad movie, there is always a redeeming quality hidden in the film, like the fight chorography, foley artistry, or editing. Manos failed on all of these levels. There was absolutely no part of the movie that sucked less than another; it was all equally a travesty. When writing a review, one usually talks about the story of the film while occasionally throwing in witty comments. Unfortunately the story is unbearable to read or write down, but I will try: A family is driving on some sort of highway in an unknown state. After hours of driving in opposite directions, they finally get to some sort of shack where they are greeted by the best thing to come out of this film, Torgo. This evil monster with gi-normous knees talks and walks like he just had a seizure and resembles a cross between Van Gogh's "Self Portrait with Straw Hat" and a scarecrow. Fortunately he was one of the lucky individuals to commit suicide after the premiere, or else his life would have been filled with millions of fans sporting big knees and begging for his autograph. After their meeting with Torgo, a lot of nonsensical events happen that I really don't remember. Then the Master rises from a sleep (?) and his wives get in a fight and yell and police drive around and do nothing and stupid teenagers are kissing and stock photography snakes attack and guns go off and the Master waves his staff at Torgo and Torgo's hand catches on fire and the Master laughs and then more people come. Did that summary sound like someone trying to recall what they did after a night of heavy drinking? Indeed, unfortunately I wasn't drunk when I watched this but I wish I had been.

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