(1998)

review by:

8-22-03

Written by: Matthew Bright Directed by: Richard Elfman Starring: Casper Van Dien, Natasha Gregson Wagner, Kim Cattrall, Udo Kier

Dallas, a wandering vampire, has been away from LA for a long time. Upon his return though, he hears tales of the LA Slasher, a young vampire girl whose messy kills are attracting some unwanted attention. Now, for reasons of his own, Dallas must find and protect this girl before she is hunted down by Count Dracula, all while evading the relentless pursuit of Dr. Van Helsing and his gang of inner-city vampire hunters. Ah...so many good things...where to begin? Well, first off, let me clear away the misconceptions that I'm sure you already have about this movie. Modern Vampires, believe it or not, is neither stupid nor a Blade rip-off. Once again, this is one of those movies that is the victim of its own publicity people. I don't know what kind of moron designed the cover, but it's obivious he/she never actually saw the movie, since those outfits and knives you see there never appear anywhere in the movie. Even the back shows a scene that is also nowhere to be found. That aside though, this is, without a doubt, the best modern-era vampire movie out there, in every respect. This movie, more than any other, really shows us what life would be like for vampires living in the present day. Everything from the exclusive nightclubs stocked with humans for feasting, to the telephone pick-up service for cleaning up those bloody victims, shows the cleverness and thought put into this movie. Oh, and when you see the vampires shoot up their victims with heroine before slowly enjoying them intravenously, you know you're dealing with modern vampires. One of the unique things about this movie is that it is the only one, to my knowledge, that uses the traditional Dracula/Van Helsing formula in which Van Helsing is cast as the villain and it is the vampires who are the good guys. Granted, Dracula is a villain in this movie as well, but he's really more of a mob boss who bullies the other vampires into submission. Another refreshing treat was to see that the stereotypical vampire weaknesses are somewhat downplayed in this movie. Only direct sunlight has any effect on these vampires, as indicated by the scene in which the vampire Vincent, played by Udo Kier, is unharmed by the indirect sunlight pouring in through his bedroom window. Garlic merely weakens vampires, rather than hurts them. And best of all, crosses don't do shit against them (I always thought that one was stupid). I also feel it's worth mentioning that there are a lot of likeable characters in this movie, and when a certain few of them get killed, you find yourself actually giving a damn. If you ask me, that's quite an accomplishment, for any movie. As if the plot weren't good enough, Modern Vampires excels in just about every other area as well. The acting is great all around, despite the fact that everyone talks with a slight lisp due to their ever-present fangs (but then, come to think of it, who's to say that vampires wouldn't actually have lisps, right?). The writing is also exceptional; never cheesy, never boring, and with more that a few lines that had Honumon and me totally busting out laughing (because they were genuinely funny, not corny). Even the special effects were done well. The wire-work was so convincing that you almost believed these vampires actually were jumping twenty feet into the air and tackling their foes. Add to all this the fact that Danny Elfman, master of creepy and macabre movie soundtracks, composed the theme music and you've got one hell of a film. While you'll probably find this movie in the horror section (at least we did), it really is more of an action flick. Either way, it's sure to please, no matter what your preference in genre. Modern Vampires has something for everyone. Now, where'd I leave that fang sharpener...

AKA: Lifestyles of the Rich and Undead          Don't Be a Menace to South Central While Sucking Your Blood in the Hood

Rating