(2002)

review by:

9-03-03

Written and Directed by: Tommy Lee Wallace Starring: Jon Bon Jovi, Cristian de la Fuente, Natasha Wagner, Arly Jover

Blah blah blah...ragtag group hunts vampires in Mexico...yada yada...stuff happens, people die...ugh... God damn. That's about all that needs to be said about this movie. But since it wouldn't be much of a review if I were to just leave it at that, I suppose I should elaborate a bit. After all, I owe it to you fine folks to properly warn you about this one. First of all, don't confuse this movie with the other John Carpenter vampire movie titled, oddly enough, Vampires. This is the sequel to that movie, the latest in the ongoing shit parade of straight-to-video sequels. Though I haven't had the displeasure of seeing the first film, I'm told by Honumon and Borg Queen, who did see it, that Vampires: Los Muertos is the exact same movie, only with different characters and the order of events switched around. I won't waste your time or mine by going into details--just trying to remember any is putting me to sleep. Sufficed to say, if you've seen one, you've seen them both. With that in mind, I can safely declare this to be one of the most boring and least original movies that I've ever seen. It's not so much that the movie is poorly made, rather you just don't get any enjoyment out of watching it. It is mediocrity at its best. Everything from the acting to the set design is just plain average. Admittedly, the main villain chick was somewhat cool, but it's that generic kind of cool that you realize you've seen in a hundred other films. Simply put, Vampires: Los Muertos is the hotdog of Hollywood: it's familiar fare that's ok until you realize it's just a hodgepodge of the rejected, unpalatable parts of better stuff. John Carpenter, thanks for Halloween, but for the love of Jeebus (and any fans you have left), stay away from the vampire movies. To close, I'll leave you with a few tid-bits of movie wisdom that I gained from this film: - It's possible to fit a several-month supply of pills into a single, small bottle; - When you die in a Mexican clinic, no one notices; - Don't leave your cocaine out around vampires; - All female vampires are lesbians; - Mechanical devices always fail the second time; And last but certainly not least: - No matter what time of year you go to Mexico, it's always the Day of the Dead.

AKA: Brain Cells: Los Muertos          An American Vampire in Tijuana

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