(2001)

review by:

4-19-04

Written by: Jeff Frank Directed by: Lee McConnel Starring: Billy Zabka, Dana Ashbrook, Alex Jolig

Somewhere In Russia (oh damn), two shadowy military guys are walking down a smoky hall. They have to capture a big motherfucking snake, put it in a box, and take it to America. Unfortunately, the plane crashes in an old Russian military base, and the snake gets out and starts reproducing. The military then has to enter this facility and capture the snakes. Oh! the humanity! Where to begin? I won't even touch on the science side of this sci-fi, it's just plain silly. But I would like to know where the military got their stun guns. WOW, those things were huge. This was basically the only sci-fi part of the movie, the HUGE FRIGGIN GUNS. Everything else was your standard issue monster movie. The tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife, and so predictable you could plot it on a calendar. The snake attacks were repetitive and boring. Let me also say that the hero in this piece (a heroic trucker in over his head), is a twat. There, I said it. Every time the snake attacked, I secretly hoped the slithering monster would bite him in the gut so I could watch him slowly bleed to death. He's supposed to be edgy or something, but I badly wanted to see him hurt. They try to play up his baseball roots (apparently the character was in the major leagues or something), but I just didn't find that at all interesting. Forget the cheesy characterization, show me the awesome snakes! Unfortunately, said snakes aren't exactly that awesome. Every time the snake attacks, you see the same three special effects . First, you get the snake cam. Snake came is a distant relative of Evilcam who periodically tilts his head to a 90-degree angle, giving you a "snake-eye-view." After that, you see the awful CG snake leap out and bite someone with a whole load of motion blur (actually a blessing, as the snakes look pretty bad). The absolute worst part is the overabundance of snakes "striking a pose" in still shots. I don't know why this was used at all, as it doesn't look impressive the first time, nor does it look good EVERY SINGLE TIME one of the serpentine wonders ices somebody. Overall, I say "Not again" to the second python movie. I give this movie a "horrible" because it just doesn't have anything going for it. It's an awful bad sign in a monster movie when you want the monster to kill everyone, and you're sorely disappointed every time the monster DOES get a kill.

AKA: Lions and Tigers and Snakes, Oh Crap!          Bad movie, Again!

Rating