12-13-03 |
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The Academy Awards. The Emmys. The Grammys. When people think award shows, these are the
main three that pop into one's mind. Why? Because they comprehensively rate the three most
popular areas of modern entertainment. In recent years, these awards have since spawned
countless derivatives (e.g. the Golden Globe Awards, the People's Choice Awards, the
Billboard Music Awards, the Tony Awards...the list is endless) to the point where getting an
award doesn't mean anything anymore because, since there are so many, everyone's bound to
get at least one. It's like in grade school, when the class would compete in spelling bees
and other such academic contests for candy or some other treat, but when all was said and
done, the teacher would give the same thing to everyone just so the dumb kids wouldn't feel
left out. Well you know what? I won my fair share of those contests back in the day, and I
say the dumb kids can go fuck themselves--I earned that goddamn candy!
But that's not what I'm here to rant to you about today. For you see, there's one other major area of entertainment that is rapidly starting to catch on in the mainstream public but has not yet gotten its own legitimate, respectable, televised award show, and that area, as you may or may not have guessed, is that of video games. The art, storylines, music, and many other aspects of modern video games easily rival the best of what the other areas of entertainment have to offer, and to this end the industry as a whole should be taken more seriously. Leave it to Spike TV though, the self-proclaimed "first network for men," to destroy any credibility that video games have gained in the eyes of the non-gaming public. Unfortunately, there are probably a good number of you who, like me, witnessed the travesty that was the "first annual" Video Game Awards last week. This was less of an awards show that it was a concert for mediocre rock and hip-hop groups punctuated by Funkmaster Flex's introductions and David Spade's sad attempts at comedic hosting. In fact, the only thing it had to do with video games at all was the occasionally-mentioned game title and the game scene that played on the monitors in the background while the bands played. Over half the people they had as "presenters" (including Lil' Kim, Jenna Jameson, and Pamela Anderson to name a few) I guarantee you have never even played a video game in their lives. Only in a show such as this could Madden NFL 2004 win Best Video Game and Enter the Matrix win Best Game Based on a Movie. Can we say "biased?" Have the people at Spike TV even heard of RPGs or adventure games? And as much as I love Final Fantasy XI, there's no way it deserves to win Best Online Game. This however doesn't even begin to scratch the tip of the tip of the iceberg. It would be impossible for me to relate how truly horrible this show was...but I'll try anyway. First off, the producer of this show, Albie Hecht (who is also the president of Spike TV), had obviously never watched another award show, which is quite an accomplishment considering how many there are. There were no nominees; they simply kept listing off the "winners" one-by-one while the Raiderettes danced around the main monitor. What do the Raiderettes have to do with video games? There were also no acceptance speeches; their excuse for presentations consisted only of four girls in bikinis (who were supposed to be girls from Dead or Alive: Xtreme Beach Volleyball but bore absolutely no resemblance to any of them) throwing confetti on the table of the winner. There was the superbly un-funny induction of the dot from Pong (voiced by Gilbert Gottfried of all people) into the "VGA Hall of Fame". They also treated the closing performance by DMX as the main event (yet another reason why this seemed more like a concert). And as if Spike TV didn't show enough WWF wrestling as it is, there was 15-minute long wrestling match as part of the show when they awarded Best Fighting Game to WWF Smack Down!. The crowning atrocity, though, was when Steve-O and Chris Pontius took off their pants (actually it was only a towel) on stage in front of the audience. Mind you, they weren't wearing any underwear. All I have to say is: why? Why did Spike TV have to drag the good name of video games through the mud like this? This is the kind of shite that Joe Lieberman is just waiting for to use as ammunition in his anti-video game campaign. Just about the only enjoyable thing about the whole show was when Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic was awarded Best Fantasy Game and we get to see Darth Vader and Boba Fett sitting at a dinner table getting confetti thrown at them by the DOA girls. There's just something funny about seeing those two in a lively, cheerful environment that you just can't help but laugh at. It's amazing though that almost every decent thing that Spike TV touches manages to get turned into crap. Does anyone remember their short-lived Ren & Stimpy revival? I sure hope not. I'm just glad that Star Trek: The Next Generation has somehow managed to remain unsullied. If you look at the premiere award shows like the Oscars and the Emmys, even if you've never seen them before, you can tell how prestigious they are based on the caliber of the guests and the budgets they must have had in order to put on such elaborate productions. Spike TV however seems to be under the impression that if they dump enough money and scantily-clad women into their show and host it at the MGM Grand Hotel that they'll be able to artificially inflate their prestige. Sorry guys, I didn't buy it. The Glow Awards on the G4 Network had way more class than this, and that show actually flowed like a traditional award show. I'm confident, though, that Spike TV's Video Game Awards will not become the annual event that they claim it will, and with the G4 Network being in such small circulation, it looks like we gamers will have to wait a bit longer for a widely-recognized, legitimate video game award show. Oh, and if anyone from Fox is reading this right now, don't even think about it! |