Letter From Santa
| 2 Cold Street North Pole, Canada H0H 0H0 I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all the gifts from "The Twelve Days of Christmas", but we had a little problem up here. The twelve fiddlers fiddling, have all come down with "VD" from fiddling with the ten ladies dancing. The eleven lords a leaping have knocked up the eight maids a milking, and the nine pipers playing, have been arrested for doing weird things to the seven swans a swimming. The six geese a laying, four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree, have me up to my butt in bird crap. On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined Gay Liberation, and those dumbass Newfoundlanders have re-scheduled Christmas for the 5th of February. Sincerely, Santa |
12 Days of Christmas
December 14, 1972
My dearest
darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real
Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure.
Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always,
Agnes
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December 15, 1972
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine
two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.
They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
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December 16, 1972
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I
don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just
darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
All my love,
Agnes
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December 17, 1972
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really,
they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are
being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
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December 18, 1972
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden
rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
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December 19, 1972
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese
laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh?
These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors
are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
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December 20, 1972
John:
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a
swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all
over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night
and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
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December 21, 1972
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do
with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8
maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure
all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.
Agnes
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December 22, 1972
Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers
playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing
those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are
getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds.
What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours !
Agnes
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December 23, 1972
You rotten prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call
those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long.
Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is
a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to
give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm calling the police on you !
Agnes
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December 24, 1972
Listen Fuckhead:
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and
ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers
ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows.
All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to
death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
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December 25, 1972
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling
which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein.
The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should
come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss
McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been
instructed to shoot you on sight.
With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Law Offices of
Badger, Bender and Chole
Bush Legal Team
Sues
to Prevent Santa Recount
By S. Artist Reuters
AUSTIN, TX (Dec. 4) - Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush filed suit
in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and
then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the
beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional
practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before
packing his sleigh.
The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks a federal
judge to "hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and
duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted,
without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification."
"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It's
totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check?
This checking, checking, and re-checking over and over again must stop now,"
said former Secretary James Baker. Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP
observers witnessed an elf removing all boys named Justin from the 'nice' list,
filing them under 'naughty' instead because "everyone knows all boys named
Justin are brats."
Gov. Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and blasted what
he called the "crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole."
"Their security is really awful, really bad," said Bush. "My mother just walked
right in, told 'em she was Mrs. Claus. They didn't check her ID or nothing."
The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to this latest development with
plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North Pole via dogsled. The
"Million Man Mush" is scheduled to leave Friday. "We need red suits and sleighs,
not law suits and delays," Jackson said.
Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov. Bush's running mate, issued a direct plea to St.
Nick himself. "Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit
checking your list. The children of the world have had enough. They demand
closure now," Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected a
name for the pony she's asked for.
Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but an spokeself said he was
"deeply distressed" by news of the pending legal action against him.
"He's losing weight, and he hasn't said 'Ho Ho' for days," said the spokeself.
"He's just not feeling jolly."
A weary nation can relate.