“No.”

“Please?”

“Abso-ruttin’-lutely not.”

“Why not? It’s my money.”

“Do ya have any idea how long it’s gonna take to break ‘em in?” Jayne Cobb asked, tryin’ to keep from losin’ his temper.

He was in a store.

A leather goods store, to be exact.

The ladies’ section of a leather goods store, for the love o’ God!

No promise of authentic victuals was worth this gorram aggravation!

River Tam looked down at the skintight black leather molded to her hips and thighs. “But they’re so pretty!”

“They’re impractical,” Jayne reminded her. Again. For the third ruttin’ time in as many gorram minutes.

She pouted as she turned to admire the fit over her shoulder. “Like them.”

Jayne rolled his eyes and folded his arms as his stomach growled loudly.

“Saw that,” she said.

“Hopin’ ya heard, too,” he grumbled, scratchin’ his belly. “Can I start gettin’ fed now?”

“Patience, Cobb,” she chided gently. “Every one of your minutes spent on assisting me with outfitting is equal to five of my credits spent on food for you.”

“Won’t help none if’n I expire o’ hunger afore’n I get recompensed,” he griped. “Way things’re goin’, I’m fit to start gnawin’ on the chair legs any minute now.”

“This is the only leather store on Whitefall,” River reminded him, clenching her stomach muscles and tilting her head at her reflection. “I must make sure I have everything I require before we leave.”

“Don’t know why ya didn’t ask Zoe to do this with ya,” he said, adjustin’ his position in the seat.

“Zoe is with the Captain, arranging our next job,” River replied. “Kaylee’s with Simon and Inara is with clients. All alone in the world with a few loose screws and no other girls to help me with the fittings.”

“Already told ya, Jayne ain’t a girl’s name!” Jayne scowled, glancin’ down at his zipper. “And what’s with this ‘our’ speechifyin’?”

“Want to look like part of the family,” she said, turning this way and that in the mirror.

“And ya think vacu-packin’ yer ass into a pair o’ hide trousers is gonna do that, girl?” he grumbled, lookin’ away from the highly distractin’ sight of that piece o’ clothin’ that looked like it was spray-painted onto her pretty little backside.

River beamed breezily, wriggling her hips to get the feel of the cow’s skin against her own. “All the crew members who defend Serenity wear tight pants and so must I.”

“No they don’t,” Jayne shot back, near to infuriated by now. “Ain't no gorram girl, don’t wear no gorram ‘tight pants', an’ I already done tol’ ya, they’re impractical as hell! You won’t be able to move easy in ‘em for at least three months.”

“How would you know?” River asked, tilting her head as she looked at him.

Swift flare of nostalgia with an atomic burst of scarlet before his eyelids…Jayne suppressed it ruthlessly.

“None o’ yer gorram business!” he snarled. “Now, try to touch yer toes an’ ya’ll see what I mean.”

She bent over and grunted with annoyance as she stopped six inches short of her goal. “You may have a point, Cobb.”

“Told ya so,” Jayne announced before administerin’ a good, hard mental slap as he caught himself droolin’ at the way the leather sculpted her inner thighs.

She looked up at him through her hair. “Parenthetically, you do wear tight pants.”

Jayne snorted with annoyance. “My muscular buttocks I do!”

“I agree, the tan ones with the cargo pockets show off the definition of your glutea maximi quite nicely.”

“Gonna git a spankin’ on yers if’n ya if ya carry on with that crazy talk,” he threatened, doin’ his best to look menacin’.

“Promise?” she teased, grinning at him.

Jayne worked his mouth, but no words came out. Was that one o’ them ‘in-yoo-end-ohs’ ‘Nara’s always needlin’ Mal ‘bout?

River stood up, her face all sorts o’ glowin’ an’ Jayne’s stomach knotted as he recognized the “I’ve-got-a-brilliant-idea” look.

“Oh no,” he muttered under his breath.

"Oh yes!" She looked over at him, her face lit up with inspiration. “Chaps!”

“No!” he barked, plain terrified at his gut-level glee at the notion.

“Yes!” she said, bouncing up and down on her toes and hugging herself at finding a way to have it all.

“Y’ain’t no gorram cowboy!” he hissed through gritted teeth, willin’ his mind to not visualize her wearin’ said item an’ failin’ miserably.

“I know that, Cobb,” River replied, a beatific smile on her face as she ran her hands up and down the luxuriant buttery skin encasing her sleek flanks. “If I was, I would be a cowgirl. But I can have the best of both worlds – scrumptious slacks and the ability to put my ankles behind my neck!”

Jayne turned her ‘round, shoved her back into the changin' room, shut the door behind her an’ banged his head against the doorframe repeatedly.

Will.

Not.

Visualize.

Sexin’.

Girl.

“Sir, are you all right?”

He looked up to find a sales clerk peerin’ up at him with concern.

“Got any pants that won’t make her look like a bounty hunter’s wet dream?” Jayne growled.

“Ummm, I’m not sure to what you’re referring,” the clerk replied nervously, handing a leather jacket with a great many zippers over the door.

“Thank you!” River’s sweet voice came from the other side of the changing room door as she took the jacket. “May I also try a pair of chaps, please?”

“Batwing, shotgun or chinks?” the clerk asked, missing the way Jayne’s eyes crossed.

“Shotgun, please,” River replied, before making a soft exasperated grunt.

“We have ones with zippers and ones with spandex,” the clerk offered, catching sight of Jayne and stepping back. “Which would you prefer?”

“Zippers, please, and as tight as can easily fit over skintight jeans. But no fringe, thank you.”

“Certainly, miss,” the sales associate replied, scurrying away.

Jayne breathed out heavily an’ rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands as he sank back into the wooden chair.

The door to River’s cubicle opened and she peeked her head outside. “Jayne?”

“What?!” His voice came out much harsher than he planned an’ he could’ve kicked himself for the way she flinched. He was gonna hear ‘bout this when they got back to the ship, he just knew it.

“I need some help,” she said.

"An' I need to eat!"

She bit her lip and looked up at him through her lashes. “Please.”

He sighed heavily an' made a beckonin' motion.

She shuffled out of the cubicle an’ his eyes almost bugged outta his head. The pants were still molded to her body, but the zipper was undone, displayin’ a lotta inches o' pale smooth belly an’ a few inches o’ a right nice pair o’ blood red satin unders.

“You were right about impracticality,” she divulged, hopping over to him. “Can’t get them off.”

“What the hell ya want me to do ‘bout it?” Jayne squawked, tryin’ to tear his eyes away from her belly button an’ failin’ miser’bly.

She reached down, took his hands and placed them on the top of the pants. “Provide assistance, of course!”

Jayne glanced up an’ found himself thisclose to bein’ face-deep in her cleavage.

So this is Special Hell. Welcome, Mr. Cobb. Come in, git comfortable an’ please avail yerself o’ the beverage bar ‘cause y’ain’t leavin’ anytime in the near future!

“Jayne?” Her soft, shy voice cut through the dirty movie clip that was stuck on auto-playback in his filthy mind. “Please, I need you.”

He shook his head an’ wordlessly started shimmyin’ the leather down her thighs. “Um, girl, I keep goin’, there’s a good chance yer gonna lose more than the pants if’n ya know what I mean.”

“Oh…many thanks for the warning.” She smiled and hooked her thumbs into her unders. “Ready now.”

It took a fair bit of fancy maneuverin’ on his part, but Jayne managed to help River liberate herself from the pants while keepin’ her unders on.

“Ahhh!” she sighed before planting a swift kiss on Jayne’s forehead for his efforts. “Xie xie!”

Jayne wiped the back of his hand across his mouth as she pranced back into the changing cubicle.

The clerk returned with a selection of chaps and started handing them over the door to River. “The first pair have zippers and are built for low-rise jeans.”

“Oooh! Fabulous!” River called out as Jayne sat there, the discarded leather pants clenched in his fists.

“And the second have a matching studded belt,” the clerk said, handing the next pair over.

Jayne glanced down at the leather pants, up at the door, closed his eyes an’ bit his bottom lip.

“Even better!” her musical voice carried as the chaps disappeared over the door.

Jayne found himself reaching for his wallet.

“Wait a minute,” he said softly to the clerk before she returned to the floor. He handed over the pants and a wad of cash. “Ring these up for me.”

“Yes, sir, of course,” the clerk replied with a completely straight face as she took the pants and the cash.

“Oh yeah,” Jayne told himself as he settled back into the chair and raked a hand through his hair. “Next stop, Special Hell.”