Dear Agent Bahn:
As per Company Regulation 405/J we are picking up our option on your contract and will expect you to report to headquarters soonest for active assignment. The current project norms are unstated but understood and will be carried out as expeditiously as possible consistent with maintaining a lowest-cost option/performance ratio.
You will be issued with the latest box-cutter technology and night-dropped by a Stealth Blackhawk on to the top of an Afghani mountain. Should this prove unfeasible due to lack of local cooperation just hitch a ride with a Red Cross aid convoy or an opium mule. Due to budget restraints we are unable to provide black tights or balaclavas in your size, we recommend charging them at Urban Outfitters. Long underwear is probably a good idea too, it gets cold in the Khyber at night. See Q about an insulated container for the proofs-of-completion you will bring back, something along the lines of a small beer cooler should suffice.
If you are weak in the local languages we trust in your ability to pick it up in the streets and markets. I think they mainly speak Pastu or Pushtu, something like that, or maybe Arab, something incomprehensible anyway.
Naturally as an employee of this department you will not qualify to collect any bounty personally so we will arrange to have it paid into the general operating account. It is common knowledge that the cost of living in those parts is very low and we trust that your expense accounts will reflect this.
There may be other units operating in-country in your vicinity and it is important that you identify yourself to them:
Sign: State (firmly and clearly), "Yogi Berra".
Countersign: "Wuhthefu? Muffuh! Cocksucker rag-head bitch! Hit the deck, asshole!"
We expect to hear from you as soon as possible that the project has been completed. Since you are newly re-activated you are in a probationary period and an efficient report will reflect well as to your future prospects with the Company.
As ever,
Agent (temporarily reactivated) X
PS: If dry-ice is not easily available perhaps you could use Popsicles(tm) for cooling purposes.
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The Canadian duck has flown the coup. The portable
coolers should come in heady^H^H^H^Handy. Sorry
we missed the matinee but I had to train Scully on
some of the, ah, more personal techniques for
subduing a passenger. I think she will do just
fine on a camel.
We lost a suitcase in Berlin. No big deal but our expense account is running on fumes. Speaking of fumes, I wouldn't go near the Hotel Ravenna anytime soon. And don't send any more salesmen on the overland route -- not only do we stick out like sore thumbs, this part of the world is a frickin' dust storm half the time. Half of our computer toys are borken.
Any word from Houston? Rumor has it he was retired permanently. His luggage is still missing.
--oTTo--
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Dear Agent Bahn:
The situation with regards to Agent H is strictly need-to-know at this time. I suppose you do need to know this though.
We fear that H may have been compromised. His last message from the Pakistani border decodes as: "These dudes have some righteous shit, see you after the trip" The Committee feels that the first part means he has taken up the Talban religion and the second seems an overt threat to commit an act of terror on Company headquarters upon his return.
A majority vote declared him to be "rogue" and thus he falls under the "fair game" proviso. Currently he has only the standard bounty on his head but this ante may be upped pursuant to further developements. Present policy does not allow compensation for collateral damage in XPD situations so a full list of casualties should not be filed at this time, however a list should be kept on your person in case there is a policy shift in future.
You should remember that the tax on any internal bounties will be deducted at source and must be reported on the standard form.
Compensation for training of Agent S will be at the hourly rate plus materials and equipment used. Please submit an OTJ69Comp voucher listing ALL details.
The lost suitcase is a more serious matter, the cost of it will be deducted from your cheque at a rate of $10.00 per month until it is fully paid for.
We feel that the current per diem expense allowance of $CAN25 ($US4.23) should be more than adequate for your needs. Perhaps you could curtail some of your "playboy" life style and try to cut a few corners, sharing accomodation with Agent S would be a help, and according to your latest medical you could afford to miss a few meals. This operation has a budget which must be strictly adhered to, any variance will have to be explained, by you, to a Higher Authority.
As to your tech toys, they should be kept in polybag when not in use. I fail to see the need for them anyway. In my field days all we had for entertainment were our own two hands and a good imagination. And we liked it that way.
yours truly,
Agent (technically rejuvenated) X
PS: Your input on travel planning will be taken under advisement.-X
PPS: Watch out for camels, they bite. I remember one time in the Soodan when we were at odds with the fuzzy wuzzies this camel driver chap was explaining the difference between a ten day camel and a twenty day camel. It seems that.................
(NOTE FROM ENCODING TEAM):
THE OLD BUGGER GOES ON FOR A PAGE AND A HALF OF THIS DRIVEL, WE GOT BORED AND DIDN'T CODE IT. SUE US!
-TH'ENIGMATEAM
.............only if you get your fingers caught between the bricks. Haw! -X
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Dear Agent Bahn:
I include the following report copy as a "heads up" warning, only because of our previous friendly relationship.
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COPY COPY COPY COPY COPY COPY
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Procedural Directive: (update)
Competency Assessment: 5
Copy from: Secret Internal Affairs Competency Board Field Review Agency. (SIACBFRA)
SUBJECT: Bahn, Otto.
1) Agent was overheard saying "Bahn...Otto Bahn" while staring fixedly into a mirror in the men's room of the Khandahar Hilton Bar.
2) Agent was overheard saying "...shaken, not stirred" while ordering a very dry martini at the above mentioned location.
3) Agent was observed playing high stakes baccarat with gold painted girls at the Jallalabad Casino.
4) Agent was observed being noticeably "kempt" after a desert crossing by camel from Rawalpindi to Kabul.
5) Agent was observed falling out of character after shooting a female Taliban operative, to wit, using an inappropriate Austrian accent to say "Consider this a divohce" and "I'll be baaack".
6) Agent was observed "always" getting the "hot chick" before the credit roll.
Conclusion: Keep him on staff to act as decoy for the "real" agents. Consider him an expendable hero.
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A word to the wise ought to be sufficient Agent Bahn, after all, you are supposed to be a SECRET agent, for G_d's sake!
amicably,
Agent (temporally regurgitated) X
PS: Thank you for sending the beer cooler. It did, however, contain only beer. Perhaps you failed to fully comprehend the "implied" drift of our earlier conversation. -X
PPS: Please keep a close check on Agent Scully's mental condition. She seems more "clocked" than usual lately. -X
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