::Sarcastic Column::

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A: May I hold your hand? 
B: No thanks, it isn't heavy. 
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A: Please say you love me! 
B: You love me. 
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A: If we become engaged, will you give me a ring? 
B: Sure, what's your phone number? 
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A: Am I pretty or am I ugly? 
B: A bit of both, I think you're pretty ugly.
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A: You remind me of the sea... 
B: Is it because I'm wild, romantic and exciting? 
A: No, because you make me sick. 
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A: Would you like your coffee black? 
B: What other colors do you have? 
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A: Do you say prayers before eating? 
B: No, my mom is a good cook. 
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A: Stop following me! 
B: It’s not my fault if we’re heading in the same direction. 
A: Oh really? And where would that be? 
B: The future. 
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A: Why didn’t you tell me? 
B: You didn’t ask. 
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A: Are we clear? 
B: Crystal, my friend! 
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Taken from: Matilda by Roald Dahl 
Title: End-of-term reports 
 
“Your son Maximilian is a total wash-out. I hope you have a family business you can push him into when he leaves school because he sure as heck won’t get a job anywhere else.” 

“It is a curious truth that grasshoppers have their hearing organs in the sides of the abdomen. Your daughter Vanessa, judging by what she’s learnt this term, has no hearing organs at all.” 

“The periodical cicada spends six years as a grub underground, and no more than six days as a free creature of sunlight and air. Your son Wilfred has spent six years as a grub in this school and we are still waiting for him to emerge from the chrysalis.” 

“Fiona has the same glacial beauty as an iceberg, but unlike the iceberg she has absolutely nothing below the surface.” 
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A: What should I do to get to heaven? 
B: You've got to be dead. 
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A: Go to hell! 
B: Been there and back. 
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A: Sorry... 
B: If sorry is of any worth, what's the police for? 
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A: I can't stand him. 
B: You don't have to make him stand. 
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A: Who asked for your opinion! 
B: No one, I gave it free, so you should be thankful. 
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A: Call me if you need me. 
B: Dream on. 
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A: We looked for you there already! 
B: You just didn't look hard enough.
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A: You got a problem? 
B: No, I have problems. 
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A: Does he have any brothers or sisters? 
B: No, he's single. 
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A: Can anybody give an example of coincidence? 
B: My mum and dad got married at the same day and at the same time. 
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Hope you enjoy this sarcastic column.
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