Happy New Year, Lafayette, and Happy New Fear! That's right, in case you have been living in a cave for a few weeks, there has been at least one confirmed serial killer attack on this side of the Basin.
I started thinking about this whole deal and I realized that we may be in it for the long run. I mean, when is the last time our boys in blue had to hunt down a serial killer? Hey, maybe I am wrong and they are closing in on Jacque the Ripper, as I like to call him. (I figured Warren Perrin would sue me if I called him my original tag - The Cajun Cutter.) In the meantime, ladies, I have devised some warning signs to help you through these times.
Now is the best time to invest in a gun. Here's a quick lesson in gun handling. There are two ends. One is the end you hold, and the other is the end you point at to make things dead. Use wisely, and don't believe Hollywood. In other words, don't go for a shot that will disable or injure him until the magistrates arrive. Go for the torso, several times. If you don't have a good aim, just upgrade to the shotgun. True, you may be knocked over by the recoil, but you should see the other guy.
Used to be, you had to be on the lookout for a white van. But this being Louisiana, he drives a pickup truck and a white one at that. That really doesn't narrow it down. I counted five white trucks on my way home for lunch the other day. Why can't this guy get around in a dune buggy or purple Ford Tempo?
If someone knocks on your door and you are not expecting company, it's go time. Quick, out the back window! If you do go to the door and it is someone claiming to be a cop, think before letting him in the door. Does he have a big mustache? Does he have a name like Falco, Cooper or Kojak? If the answer is no, he's probably not with the local bureau, and it is not the best idea to let him into your domicile. Quick, make with the aforementioned firearm!
Here's a thought: They say this guy has gained access to his victims' homes. Maybe he's a charmer, even capable of charming a few dates out of you. Think about it - you could be dating the serial killer. If your man's hobbies include doing the Silence of the Lambs dance in front of the mirror or self-mutilation, you may have to blast him. If he has severe maternal issues and sometimes refers to you by his mother's name, it might be time to change addresses. If your man is real clean and spouts things like, "We don't need any of this DNA evidence lying around," he might - hear me out - just be the serial killer. Hell, if you are dating a guy who is clean, you might want to leave now - that just ain't right.
If he performs as a clown at kids' parties on the weekend, you might want to call the cops. Or, if your beau has ever asked you how to get blood out of wool, you may have to take him down.
Consider this: In 1974, Ted Bundy approached a woman in a shopping mall, identified himself only as Officer Roseland and told her that someone had tried to break into her car. He never once mentioned what kind of car she had or how he knew it was hers, but he still managed to lure her outside and nearly kill her. In other words, if you think this nice guy you just met is just that, a nice guy, think again. Be suspicious ... be very suspicious.
He could be anywhere, like driving an ice cream truck, handing out flowers at the airport or in your aerobics class. Just be on the lookout. In the meantime, go ahead and dial 9-1 and wait to dial the other 1, so you can have a jumpstart if you think trouble is heading your way.
Ladies, all kidding aside, be safe out there, and don't think it can't happen to you ... because it can. Lock your doors all the time, and keep an eye out for creepy characters. After all, I can't afford to lose readers.