Vive le Freedomiana!
Quick, great state! Cast out your French ties before we become any more of a laughing stock.
Nick Pittman / Assistant Editor
Posted on April 16, 2003

Some of you have criticized me for not taking a stand on current issues in my governor's platform. Well, if that is what it takes to get the kids and me into the mansion and out of the duplex, that ends now.

There's a serious problem facing our great state. Currently, our nation is renaming all things bearing a French moniker. If you haven't heard, French fries are now freedom fries, French kisses are now freedom kisses, and don't forget about the freedom tickler. We, on the other hand, must purge ourselves of the French Quarter, the French Market and the French Triangle.

However, I will, when elected, take it a step further and get tough on dissidents in this state. It is about time we get serious about keeping the separatists out of this country. I've noticed that there is a large part of our culture that clings to its French heritage. These rebels try to hide behind the term "Cajun" when we all know that they are the descendants of farmers who came to Nova Scotia from Western France. How could these French people and their culture be allowed in our state when their mother country doesn't support our actions in Iraq? It's true that their soldiers are serving with ours in Afghanistan, but that isn't enough.

What kind of sick dissident doesn't support our efforts to disarm Saddam Hussein of his weapons of mass destruction? Wait, I'm sorry, I meant our efforts to stop terrorism. Scratch that, we're in this to liberate the Iraqi people. Hell, pick one and slap it on a bumper sticker! I'll take liberating Iraq. True, some of them will die, but, as we say here Stateside, freedom is not free.

Back to the dissidents - they should head to the hospital and get blood transfusions until they are pure-blooded Americans. In the meantime, we need to round up these potential traitors and ship them to internment camps in the deserts of Iraq, since they seem to like it so much. There's no crawfish there, Boudreaux. I vow to round up every frog from Ardoin to Viator.

And for those major troublemakers, they will be made official enemies of the state. As I see it, our most wanted list should read something like this: Steve Riley & The Mamou Playboys. Not only does this band promote its French heritage, but they also play French songs. Warren Perrin also promotes the French language and wants to sue the queen of England. Hey, that's our ally! Don't mess with the U.S., Texas or any of her friends. If Dewey Balfa wasn't dead, I would have him arrested for going to other states and starting French sleeper cells with his Cajun dance camps. Now, there are even two weeks of workshops and dancing to continue his mission to turn the United States into France. But, public enemy No. 1 should be BeauSoleil, which has received worldwide notoriety for its French music, even bringing it to Carnegie Hall.

Speaking of enemies, let's take back that invitation to the Louisiana Purchase ceremony we sent to France's prime minister, Jacques Chirac. And just what about those French bands that will be at Festival International? We have enough dissenters in this country, thank you very much!

But, wait! There is another, more severe issue facing Louisiana ... bilingualism! Here, we use both French and English. We need to take all those road signs down, break all of those Joi De Vivre coffee mugs and close those stores with French names, like Le Video Store. I think Billy Tauzin had the state's best interests in mind when he closed the French version of his Web site. Tauzin's spokesperson said that Tauzin "is disappointed with some of the decisions being made by his ancestors."

Then, there's the problem of the old folks who only speak French. I will take it on myself to teach them sign language. And I'm talking American Sign Language, not some pansy French Sign Language!

And, lastly, are you aware that our name comes from a French king? I suggest we drop the Louis and change it to Freedomiana before the the nation catches on and learns of the French culture that we have struggled to preserve for so long.