March 22, 1997 - Astonished, I looked at the positive home pregnancy test. How could this be possible? I had my tubes tied for over five years. These things aren't supposed to happen. I always had said that I if I became pregnant after having my tubal ligation, that it would be a blessing from God. But now, faced with that blessing, I was shocked. What would Dale, my husband, say? How would I tell him? Where would we put this baby in our small house? I held all these feelings in, not sharing any of this with Dale, for in the back of my mind, I thought that the test could be wrong.

March 23, 1997 - I started to bleed late in the day. I couldn't believe the pain I was feeling in my heart for this child that I wasn't even sure I was pregnant with. I layed in bed, praying to God, for His will to be done. This is probably the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. Knowing that my heart was aching for this child and I as it appeared, I wasn't goint go be able to have. What ever His will, I would have to accept that. I knew that there was nothing I could do.

March 24, 1997 - A call to the doctor meant going for blood work to shed some light on what was happening. Boy, I was not aware of modern medical technology. I told the nurse that I was already bleeding, but she said that did not matter. How would a test show I was pregnant if I was having a period. I went for the blood work at lunch time to avoid anyone knowing what was going on. Another day of not knowing. Later that day I stood crying to a friend in fear of what was happening. I felt such pain, both physically and emotionally.

March 25, 1997 - A call from the doctors office confirmed that indeed I was pregnant. I could not believe what I was hearing. They were telling me I was losing my baby. It was then that I made the hardest phone call I have ever had to make. I called Dale at work. I had to explain the past several days to him in a nutshell. Here, I was pregnant, but I was losing our baby. It was right then that I realized just how compassionate and loving my husband was. He left his job immediately. He took me home and held me and cried with me. I just could not believe the emotional pain I was feeling at that point.

I later named this baby Anna, believing in my heart that it was a girl that I was going to have.

Well, life went on. I cried and I ached, but everyone around me went on. Why couldn't I? Why didn't they think of my baby? Testing later revealed that one of my tubes was now open, or partly open.

June 1997 - By now, I had read, researched and learned so much. I was aware early that I was pregnant. I called the doctor to confirm with a blood test. Much to my surprise, it was negative. How could that be, as my body was saying otherwise? I talked to the doctors office and they were going to run a beta test, but we were leaving for vacation. I then started to spot, so I figured that they must have been right. I spotted on and off the entire weekend.

June 23, 1997 - I recieved an early morning call from the doctors office telling me that indeed, the beta hcg showed that I was in the early stages of pregnancy. They wanted me to follow up with more testing. Once again, not sure what was going to happen as I was still spotting on and off, I held in this knowledge from anyone.

June 24, 1997 - A call late in the day from the doctors office confirmed that I was really pregnant. The hcg numbers were going up like they should. I was so excited that I was going to be given another chance. Later that evening, my joy was shortlived. I started bleeding heavily and was realizing that I was on the road to my second miscarriage. I named this precious baby Ryan. I could not believe that this could happen a second time. I heard of women having miscarriages, but once, not twice. Not now when my heart ached so bad. This wasn't supposed to happen to me. God, why were you allowing me this pain?

July 1997 - I immediately became pregnant again. Thinking this was not possible, I took a test and it was negative. I was sure the symptons I was experiencing were that of pregnancy. I waited a few days and on July 24th, I took another test. It was very faintly positive.

July 26, 1997. It was so hot out. We had a funeral to attend for the son of a friend who drown while swimming in the area. It was as I sat there listening to the Pastor as he preached that I think it really hit me that I had babies in Heaven. I felt the tears running down my face and realized that I was grieving for my own children then.

July 27, 1997 - I started bleeding and was experiencing pain in my left side (this is the side that my tube was open). Fearing I was having a tubal pregnancy, I called the doctors office. I was instructed to go to the emergency room. It was there that they confirmed my pregnancy. Dale and I sat there talking about where we would put this baby, whose room he would go in. What we would name him. It was also there that I learned that this baby was not going to make it. Dale named this baby Conrad.

It is now the year 2002. I have had no further confirmed pregnancies. There are days that my arms and my heart aches so badly for the babies that I never had the chance to hold. I don't know what God has in store for us. We are not planning on having anymore children, but I have not done as the doctors advised me, in having my tubal ligation again. At this point, if God wants us to have another chid, He will provide the way, and He will help us to raise one. Our other children are growing so rapidly, Dale is 17, Aubre is 14 and Tyler is 11. Looking at them, it is so hard to think about 'starting over', but when a little baby is placed in my arms, the feelings just flow from my heart.

December 7, 2002. Well, I don't belive I am writing this, but after all this time, I truly belived that God had closed my womb. I all week, thought that I was starting my period, but it just wasn't coming. Today, I bought a test, feeling foolish for actually thinking this was even possible. Well, much to my surprise, it was positive. I am in shock and very scared. I have had three losses and never made it long enough to really find anything out. I am just praying for a miracle right now. Please keep me in your prayers. I haven't told the kids, but this time, at least Dale does know and he is already doing ok (surprised also) and thinking 'where' will we put this little one... please God, let this one make it. I'll keep you posted.

December 9, 2002. Well, I started all my phone calls this morning. I did get into a lab today. Hcg is 751, but progesterone is ONLY 3!!!!!! Being at that number, they weren't able to see anything on the ultrasound yet. They won't give me any until they know for sure that they pregnancy is in the uterus (due to previous losses and tube problems). I am scheduled for another blood test on Wednesday morning and than another ultrasound on Thursday. Depending on the results of the scan (if they don't see anythign in my uterus), we go right to the operating room for a laproscopy (something or other). They will go in through the belly button to see if the pregnancy is in the tube. If it is, they will remove my tube and the pregnancy. If it is not (and this is my MAJOR prayer request) then they will start me on progesterone and pray that all is well and wait. I am so scared right now. I've cried so much today, my head is killing me. I know that this is still just a possiblity, but I am so afraid. Please keep praying and I'll keep you posted.

December 10, 2002. Well, here goes... I am pregnant! I am very scared. My progesterone is VERY LOW (only 3) and they won't start me on progesterone YET due to the fact that they can't locate the pregnancy in my uterus (or my tube, yet). My hcg was 751 on Monday am. I have to have more blood work done on Wednesday am and then Thursday they will see if they can locate where they pregnancy is. There is a CHANCE that it is in the uterus and only God knows for sure. I am praying for that miracle. The big concern is due to all my losses and failed tubal ligation, they are concerned that the pregnancy is in the tube (the only one that is open). On Thursday, if they cannot locate the pregnancy in the uterus, they will send me to the operating room for a lap(a something) where they will go in through the belly button and check my tube. If the pregnacy is in there, I lose and so does my precious miracle. If that is the case, they will also take my tube. If it is not in the tube (my major prayer) then they will close me up and hopefully start progesterone then. Please pray for me and this little miracle. My own children don't know yet. I can't tell them again that they have another sibling in heaven. This would be more than my youngest (Tyler) could handle. I'll keep you posted and thanks in advance for the prayers (ps... you can pass this along to any of your friends, I need all of Gods strength to get through these next few days.

December 11, 2002. Yesterday, I started to spot, on and off. It didn't get heavy and for the most part was brown (was red at one point). I am going this am for more blood work. I did have a dream last night that this pregnancy was in my uterus (I am praying that this was God's way of telling me). Trying so hard not to stress. I am going to try to go to work today (I did part of yesterday, but as soon as I started to bleed, I was told to go home and get off my feet). Praying for my Christmas miracle.

December 11, 2002 (evening). I am asking for a lot of prayer at the moment. I have an ectopic pregnancy (in my tube). I have to go in for surgery Thursday morning. They will also remove my tube, so I will not be going through this again. I know that tomorrow is going to be a very difficult day. We have not told our kids yet. I know that this is going to be hard on everyone, but Tyler has a very difficult time dealing with death. He has the lead part in his school play on Friday evening and I don't want to mess that up for him. He has worked so hard. Please if you could remember our family as this is going to make an already difficult holiday much more difficult. Thanks for allowing me to share this with you.

December 12, 2002 - before going in for surgery. This was how I told my family (who didn't even know I was pregnant yet). Today I am going in for surgery. I am pregnant, but it is my tube. They will be taking my tube out also during the surgery. We haven't told the kids about this yet. Tyler has the lead in his christmas play on Friday night and I don't want to upset him and make this more difficult for him. I just couldn't deal with talking to everyone and repeating it again and again, so this was the easiest way to handle letting everyone know right now.

December 13, 2002. I had spent so much time getting things ready to help my own mother through her first Christmas without my sister, Susan. I spent days getting just the right gifts so that this year might not hurt her quite as badly. I had no idea that I would be suffering another loss. I had a very 'surprised' positive pregnancy test on Saturday. After the moment of shock, I was getting so excited that I had been given this Christmas miracle, knowing this would make the holidays so special. Well, the joy was short lived. I went in for surgery Thursday. The pregnancy is in my only open tube. Due to my previous medical history they removed my tube and my Christmas miracle. I cannot believe that I am going through this again. I honestly believed God had closed my womb as I have not conceived in the past five years and was doing fine with that. I am asking if you don't mind, please send any extra prayers this way. Our children don't know about this yet. My youngest son does not handle death well at all, his grief is going to be very difficult. He has the lead in his Christmas play tonight (friday) and we have decided to wait until after this to tell them. All they know is mom hasn't been feeling well and has been going to the doctor this week.

December 13th evening. I am doing 'ok' but that is about it for now. Tyler's play was tonight and that was the big thing. He did a wonderful job. At one point I started to cry (for no reason of the play) and Ty saw me and he had to look away. I felt so bad. They took part of my right tube when they did the surgery. My left tube was the one that was open when I got pregnant five years ago, so until I go in for my post op, I really don't know if my left tube is open, not, was tied again or what. I am physically in some pain, but the meds make me feel worse, so I have been just dealing with it. Well got to run (actually limp) to the sofa and rest. Talk to you soon.

I found these beautiful graphics at Mother's Memories Graphics. They have beautiful graphics to help you create your own web page in memory of a loved one.