I hurried into the toilets, hoping to God it was the men’s (I wasn’t paying attention). I was busting. I went quickly to where I expected the urinal to be, hastily unzipping my fly. There was just cubicles- Bother! It was the Ladies!
     Oh well, there was no one about, so it could have been worse.
     “Oh yes, Susan,” I suddenly heard a voice, “I couldn’t agree with you more.” Bother again! Someone was coming! I sprinted to the cubicle at the end, quickly and quietly closed the door, panting slightly. “Eustace is an absolute horrid little beast!”
     I held my breath as the girl, it sounded like two actually, came closer and closer. Just my luck! It had to be this cubicle! I spun around, looking for somewhere to hide, but of course there was nowhere.
     Suddenly, I noticed that the toilet was glowing
     “At least now, we’ll be alone!”
     The golden glow seemed to be emanating from inside the toilet. What was in it for heaven’s sake? I won’t mention what I originally thought it must have been. I bent over, and forced myself to look, fearing what I would see. The bottom, filled with water, was no longer visible. Around the brim of the toilet, there was a circle of golden light, and through it I could see trees and plains of grass through it. I had a sudden urge to jump into the circle…
     “You mustn’t tell anybody about this.” The door opened. I wasn’t there. I had closed my eyes and jumped in, not thinking about the consequences.
     I found myself falling a slight way, then hitting the soft ground. I slowly opened my eyes, and saw the circle that I had jumped into above me. It was disappearing fast, but through it I could see inside the cubicle, in which I had been in just a second beforehand. I saw that there were two girls, who had caused my plight. One of them was Gertrude Baker, a girl I’d been chasing after for weeks but had been rejected several times, as had many other boys; she was the most desired girl in our large public school! I was flabbergasted when I saw the other girl, very plain looking, start to unbutton Gertrude’s blouse!
     “Oh Sue, you’re so naughty,” the later giggled excitedly. I watched intently, mouth open, drooling slightly. This was what I’d always dreamt about!
     Alas, the glowing circle closed before I could get a good glimpse at anything. I took it well though, and put it behind me. Ok, so I actually started bawling my eyes out, and hitting the ground in front of me in frustration.
     “You there!” I suddenly heard a girl’s voice calling. I looked up and quickly brushed away my tears. “Are you alright?” she asked with some concern. She was a pretty young girl (though not as pretty as Gertrude * sigh *), wearing a slightly old-fashioned yellow dress. I stood up and straightened my tie, brushing off some dirt.
     “Yes, I’m fine.” I finally answered.
     “Ahem…” She glanced downwards. I zipped up my fly, promptly. “Sorry about that.”
     She waved my apology aside. “I saw you arrive- how did you get here?”
     “Jumped into a loo, if you can believe that.” I said lightly, making a joke out of it.
     She cringed slightly, but managed to put a brave face on it. “I always try to believe three impossible things before breakfast.”
     “How did you get here then?” I asked.
     “I followed a white rabbit into its burrow and here I was.” She said simply. “Oh, I haven’t even introduced myself, how rude. My name is Alice, what’s your name?”
     I looked at her in amazement. “Y-you mean, Alice in Wonderland?”
     The white rabbit, the strange world he now found himself in, it all fit!
     Alice looked at me, faintly surprised. “How did you know this was Wonderland?” She asked.
     “Err… I just did.” I replied lamely. “I didn’t see any white rabbit when I jumped into the toilet though.” I added.
     “Ahem…” I heard a voice coming from below us, so I looked down. As I watched, a white rabbit stepped out from behind Alice’s leg, dressed in a waistcoat, and holding a pocket-watch. “You just missed me, I’m afraid.” He said apologetically. I was just about to answer the white rabbit before he hopped off hurriedly, saying worriedly, “I’m late, I’m late!”
     “I’d better go after him.” Alice said apologetically, and after wishing me good luck she ran off after him. The two figures quickly disappeared, and I was alone. For the first time, I noticed my surroundings.
     The grass was so very green, unnaturally, so, like that in a picture storybook. The trees were also a picture of perfection, again, that same unnatural green, but covered in shiny red circles of fruit: perfect apples!
     I grabbed a few off the tree next to me, and chomped into one greedily. Scrumptious!
     Suddenly I remembered the events taking place at the start of this story, and the tree next to me seemed the most suitable place to relieve myself. After I had finished, I looked up to see a large cat sitting on a tree branch, grinning at me.
     Yes, this was definitely Wonderland, all right.
     “Hello there.” The cat said pleasantly, still grinning.
     I was annoyed. “How dare you sit there watching me go to the loo! If you don’t watch it, I’m going to give you a bunch of fives!” The Cat ignored me, and its expression did not change.
     “Follow the yellow brick road.” It said mysteriously, and then the Cheshire Cat faded away.
     “Follow the yellow brick road, it says!” I scoffed. “What does it think this is? The Wizard of Oz?”
     I laughed loudly, and was still laughing as I walked to the top of the next hill, and saw, in front of me, a brick road stretching out into the distance. And believe it or not, it was a bright shade of yellow!
     I shrugged, and started briskly across the road. Suddenly a girl ran up to me
     “Hello.” She said. It wasn’t Alice this time (or Gertrude * sigh *), but I knew exactly who she was. She wore a dress similar to that of Alice, but it was light blue, and her hair was in pigtails.
     “Dorothy, I presume?”
     She didn’t seem surprised that I knew her name.
     “Yes, and your name is?” she asked primly.
     “Eustace…” I answered uncomfortably, adding quickly, “Where’s the tin man? (he being my particular favourite from the book)”
     “Here I am!” said a muffled voice, and turning around, I saw the man of tin walking alongside me morosely. The lion and the scarecrow were there also (of course).
     “You know something?” I asked conversationally.
     “What?”
     “I don’t think I’m in Moe anymore!”
     They told me they were off to see the wizard, so I decided to tag along, and ask the wizard if he knew how I could get home. I sang along with my companions (We’re off to see the Wizard…) until we reached the emerald city.
     After he finished with Dorothy and the others he turned to me, and I told him all about my situation.
     “Well.” He said wisely, after I had finished. “Although I haven’t told anyone, I got here the same way you did, but have no desire to go back to my former life of sex, drugs and rock & roll. This seems to be a land made up of different types of fiction, book and film. This is ‘Classic Children’s Story land.’ Other lands include ‘Crime Fiction land,’ ‘Action Movie land’ and my personal favourite:” he winked at me, “Mills and Boon land!”
     He moved towards a door to the left. “I’ll open the portal you came in, and provide you with transport to it.”
     “Thank you very much.” I said, and followed him.
     He led me to a huge room, filled with more modes of transport you can possibly imagine!
     “I’ve borrowed a few of these from other lands…” He admitted . “Now, you can either take: ‘Chitty Chitty Bang Bang,’ (he pointed to a vintage roadster) ‘Thomas the Tank Engine,’ (pointing to a blue train) ‘The TARDIS,’ (This time it was a Police telephone box he motioned to) ‘The Bat mobile,’ ‘flying broomstick, ‘The Magic Schoolbus’ etc…”
     After some time, I pointed to a rather large animal in the corner. “How about him?”
     He seemed pleased, and gave the animal friendly pat on the rump.
     “Ah yes, good choice- apparently this fellow is fairly powerful back in this own land, he’s as harmless as kitten here!”
     The powerful looking lion glared up at me.
     “I’ll remember this next time you’re in Narnia.” He warned him.
     So I hopped onto Aslan, said goodbye to the ol’ wiz, and in quick time we were back to the place I had first arrived in quick time, during which I comforted myself with the thought that I was probably too old to get into Narnia anyway.
     I saw the ‘portal’ back again, and waved Aslan away. I then remembered the Cheshire Cat’s helpful advice, and called out loud “Thank you Cheshire Cat!”
     His face instantly appeared in front of me grinning of course. “No problem.” He answered. “My last advice is to keep your hands off!” He winked, and then he was gone again.
     I wonder what he meant? I pondered, as I stood under the portal, and jumped up into it’s golden light.
     When I got back to the cubicle again, I found beautiful Gertrude standing before me, her blouse on the floor and two enticing parts of her anatomy under my nose.
     Keep your hands off, keep your hands off!!!

                         ~Eustace Scrubb